Oh,virgin white breathe in my thoughts
and exhale them;ending that drought.
As my heart fills with joy,
filter my sadness;
repairing this heart,a mere broken toy
filled with festering bitterness.
Oh,clock tick wild,
oblivious and unforgiveningly mild,
stopping and living its will
with bloodied,burning scounces
as light and bitter poison as a seal.
Oh,blackened heart fail me
for love hath blinded all I see
all faith that resounds in me
what's left of the poisoned blood that's entreating thee.
Oh,poor soul of mine I pray you find salvatoin
when I leave you here in this awful collaboratoin;
swiming in the dark with red-ribbon tears streaming
in these treachorous ghost of shark
threading and weaving in the corporate that life is all but seeming.
| i'm not a fan of the imagery. for a while i used disturbing images, and i'm sure your imagery is intended but we don't need the red-ribboned tears. onto the adjectives, we don't need the FESTERING bitterness, and i don't understand the grammar in the first part of the poem. many parts of poetry are unkempt, i'm sure the pieces i just posted are. i believe if you are going to use the hath, and your thees, you stick to shakesperean (however that may be spelled) style, and not tinker with the darkness edgar allen poe and modern grammar. i'm not trying to say taht your writing is a replica of other writers, i'm just using them for comparison in my explanation of your errors. poor person that you left in the "awful collaboration" he must swim, then he must thread, then he must weave? =P it might jsut be me, but it's odd that you make reference to a shark. stands out. never heard someone talk about a ghost of a shark in a serious manner. i like you lindel. i think with much practice, you could be the best.||| Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by jesus etc. | [ Reply to This ] |