Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If I were...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Flynn
    ASL Info:    24/M/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.77 - 74/123/48
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1077
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 875



    Description:
       Looked at the writing prompt categories and say "If I were..."
    So I just wrote. It's a five minute work, probably has a few errors, but it looks Flynn-approved to me - but what about you?
    All comments appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf I were...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    If I were a Hamster, then I'd be small and fluffy.
    I'd eat my pellets every day, and drink my water freely. I'd run around in circles, and I'd jump onto my wheel - and I'd be agoin and agoin, by never get no where.
    And I would live inside a cage, and I'd know nothing else.
    Alas, I am a hamster.

    If I were a frog, then I would hop all day. I whip my tongue and with avarice I'd feed. I'd need always be near water, and always out of sun, and restricted by these two things, I'd know only of them.
    Alas, I am a frog.

    And If I were a human, I'd live inside my house. I'd murder all the nasty pests, and kill the ucky mouse. I'd hunt in my refrigerator, and watch my loud TV, and believe all that I see, and I'd know thing else.
    Alas, I am a human




    Submitted on 2006-08-01 12:16:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very interesting piece. And well written if I may say so. I loved the comparisons and the way in which you described ze humans. 'Tis true, sadly. Though imagining you as a hamster was fun. Awesomeness.

    Duv
    | Posted on 2008-01-21 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      well, i know this is an old piece but it drew my attention so here you go
    and im going to avoid saying what butterfly_chi5 has already said :)



    i think in the frog bit, in the second sentence, it should say "I'D whip"-wronge tense
    and the word Avarice does not really fit the lingo of the poem, although i agree that having "greed" and "feed" that close together would look awkward as well



    i really like the Human part :)
    so true about ppl in general these days!


    well, have fun writing! maybe i should look into some of your new stuff, eh? :)


    ha, take care

    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2008-01-16 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      lol this was interesting! i guess i never knew there were prompts to write on...never saw them, who knows. but this was cool...i never thought of it. putting yourself into the ideal of different animals, you could have gone on for a whlie in this. before you go into humans, go into the big animals, and then how man hunts them, kills them for sport.

    the only thing that kinda took me away from this was all the "and"s. i guess its from taking so many english classes....got a case of the ands as teachers always say. it fits alright, becuase these are more....random thoughts i guess you could say, but with so many, it sounds strung together. and when you say "and I'd jump onto my wheel - and I'd be agoin and agoin, by never get no where." i think you ment "again" and "but" instead of agoin or by. instead of no where, try any where. those are just my thoughts, take them for what they are...they dont mean that much. i liked this tho, good job! youve gotten me interested in the prompts...lol ~Nichole
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by butterfly_chi5 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah. I love this. It's good to free write on topics every now and then. It's a good way to free ones mind to write about other things.

    I usually, once every few weeks sit down and write every single thought that comes into my head. I think of it as "purging the junk" so I can write something worthwhile.

    It's good to put yourself outside of the box. Put yourself in a different persona.

    Anyhoo,

    glad to read.

    Hope all is well.

    -Sami
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      wow thats verry different than anything ive read on this site i like it!

    <3 Brittaney-Mae
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by justkillme08 | [ Reply to This ]
      Like always, a VERY original post! I love that creative flare of yours! you whip the words around and make them your own.. while impressing everyone on the way. This is very intriquing. I see it as a cinical post. Kindof saying that the human sub-culture does not only comprise of what you have said but a much more complex whole. We need to stop taking the "norm" and making it a stereotype.

    Hope this helped. I really love your writing :)

    Amber
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by PoeticSoul666 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    112919

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry