Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Nobody would save her


Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 190
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 907
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 1266



Description:


Old poem I wrote in middle school. Let me know what you think of it.


Nobody would save her



I stand there
frozen
I see them staring at me
but I don't say anything
I simply look at my stomach
the images
of what happened
appear in my head
the loud noise
coming form behind me
the gasps
coming from others
my mouth hanging open
in shock
blood everywhere
and as I realize this
it isn't long
until I fall forward
with no one there to catch me
I lay on the ground
my hands shaking
I try not to concentrate
on the pain
I can taste the blood in my mouth
but it's as if everyone's stuck
because no one is helping me
they're all just watching
watching me die
right in front of them
I want to scream at them
but I can't
because I'm gasping for air
I can't get any though
teras fill my eyes
I know what is to come
but I know I don't deserve it
that bullet wasn't meant for me
I saved a life
and they do nothing to save mine
I let out a soft whimper
closing my eyes
blood surrounding me
I can no longer breathe anymore




Submitted on 2006-08-01 14:21:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  humm , vary vary intresting . the ending was vary shocking. its a vary sad story.
but vary wisely told.
bloody mary~~~>
| Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by BloodyMary87 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is raw!, you paint a picture of true everyday life. The stuff that never happens to me untlill it happens to me. & of course the old, a good deed dosen't go unpunished. At lease that's what I got from the poem. I thnik is was a good read. The Poor Man's Poet.
| Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]
  "I try no to concentrate
on the pain"

It should be...

*I try not to concentrate
on the pain*

............................................................................

This actually had some meaning beyond the raw words of it. When you talk about everyone watching you die while you're chocking on your own blood, I thought instantly of how people can be suffering or 'dying' inside and the people who talk to them or see them will never know something is wrong. Therefore, they watch that person die. I'm not sure if that was intended, but if not, it was still very clever.
The poem itself was very angsty, common angst poetry, a little cliché' but that meanign that I found made it original for me.
Otherwise, I don't have much else to say....Just keep writing and trying different styles to get some variety, or read different styles to get a variety into a certain kind of poem. Good luck, and hang in there!

*tox*


| Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



112936