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    dots Submission Name: Nobody would save herdots

    Author: PiperH
    ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253/299/172
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 799
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1266

       Old poem I wrote in middle school. Let me know what you think of it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNobody would save herdots

    I stand there
    I see them staring at me
    but I don't say anything
    I simply look at my stomach
    the images
    of what happened
    appear in my head
    the loud noise
    coming form behind me
    the gasps
    coming from others
    my mouth hanging open
    in shock
    blood everywhere
    and as I realize this
    it isn't long
    until I fall forward
    with no one there to catch me
    I lay on the ground
    my hands shaking
    I try not to concentrate
    on the pain
    I can taste the blood in my mouth
    but it's as if everyone's stuck
    because no one is helping me
    they're all just watching
    watching me die
    right in front of them
    I want to scream at them
    but I can't
    because I'm gasping for air
    I can't get any though
    teras fill my eyes
    I know what is to come
    but I know I don't deserve it
    that bullet wasn't meant for me
    I saved a life
    and they do nothing to save mine
    I let out a soft whimper
    closing my eyes
    blood surrounding me
    I can no longer breathe anymore

    Submitted on 2006-08-01 14:21:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      humm , vary vary intresting . the ending was vary shocking. its a vary sad story.
    but vary wisely told.
    bloody mary~~~>
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by BloodyMary87 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is raw!, you paint a picture of true everyday life. The stuff that never happens to me untlill it happens to me. & of course the old, a good deed dosen't go unpunished. At lease that's what I got from the poem. I thnik is was a good read. The Poor Man's Poet.
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Bobby K | [ Reply to This ]
      "I try no to concentrate
    on the pain"

    It should be...

    *I try not to concentrate
    on the pain*


    This actually had some meaning beyond the raw words of it. When you talk about everyone watching you die while you're chocking on your own blood, I thought instantly of how people can be suffering or 'dying' inside and the people who talk to them or see them will never know something is wrong. Therefore, they watch that person die. I'm not sure if that was intended, but if not, it was still very clever.
    The poem itself was very angsty, common angst poetry, a little cliché' but that meanign that I found made it original for me.
    Otherwise, I don't have much else to say....Just keep writing and trying different styles to get some variety, or read different styles to get a variety into a certain kind of poem. Good luck, and hang in there!


    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]

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