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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I miss youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 123
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 988
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 796



    Description:
       A friend i met online came out to stay with me for two weeks. He kinda confessed to eachother months ago tha we like each other so this was a chance to really test it. and it worked. We fell head over heals for each other and. . well he had to go back home (all the way on the east coast. . im on the west coast) and i really. . .really miss him. Its only been a few days but. . . . its been really hard on both of us. <3 tell me what you think


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    dotsI miss youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I miss you

    A piece of me is missing
    Since youíve gone back home
    Iím always looking behind myself,
    Your footsteps seemingly follow me.

    I feel like Iíve forgotten something
    Since you went back home,
    Iím always checking my pockets
    And wandering through the house.

    My bed seems too big now,
    Since you left for home
    Iím constantly waking up at night,
    Never having moved from my place.

    My eyes seem to never dry
    Since youíve been gone,
    For when I think of anything
    Itís always linked to you.

    When you went back home,
    A part of me left with you.
    Until the day we meet again,
    A piece of me will be missing.





    Submitted on 2006-08-01 16:19:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I can tell by reading your work you really miss him. The imagery of your piece is good in this part. However the flow to me seems off a bit, perhaps because it is a freeverse, I don't know? It is only my thoughts on it. I believe you were on the right track with it though. The reader can feel your agony of the one you love being gone. Wonderful job on this write and thanks for the share. Good luck with all your writing!!

    ~Gigglebox~
    | Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by gigglebox | [ Reply to This ]
      well...
    im glad that the whole thing worked for you...
    it seems that a lot of people meet people online these days and its always interesting to see how it works out in real life i guess...

    as for your piece...
    have you ever heard the brian adams/mel c song "when your gone"?

    I've been wandering around the house all night
    Wondering what the hell to do.
    Yeah, I'm trying to concentrate
    But all I can think of is you.

    Well the phone don't ring 'cos my friends ain't home
    I'm tired of being all alone.
    Got the TV on cause the radio's playing
    songs that remind me of you.


    Baby when you're gone
    I realise I'm in love.
    The days go on and on
    And the nights just seem so long.
    Even food don't taste that good
    Drink ain't doing what it should.
    Things just feel so wrong
    Baby when you're gone.


    [Yeah]
    I've been driving up and down these streets
    Trying to find somewhere to go.
    Yeah I'm looking for a familiar face
    But there's no-one I know.

    Aww this is torture, this is pain
    It feels like I'm gonna, go insane.
    I hope you're coming back real soon
    Cause I don't know what to do.


    Baby when you're gone [when you're gone]
    I realise I'm in love.
    The days go on and on [on and on]
    And the nights just seem so long.
    Even food don't taste that good
    Drink ain't doing what it should.
    Things just feel so wrong [hah, yeah]
    Baby when you're gone.

    [Hey, don't go Brian, don't go]
    [Hey, where ya gone baby?]


    Don't go, don't go


    [C'mon baby, ahh]
    Baby when you're gone [when you're gone]
    I realise I'm in love [so in love].
    The days go on and on [oh yeah]
    And the nights just seem so long.
    Even food don't taste that good [no oh ohhhhh]
    Drink ain't doing what it should [aaahhh]
    Things just feel so wrong [so wrong]
    Baby when you're gone [you're gone].
    Aw baby when you're gone [aahh, yeah]
    Baby when you're gone.


    thems the lyrics and they sound so much like your write its not funny...
    i guess its hard to write about something like this without sounding like something else somehow as so many people have written about the same idea right across genres and art forms...

    i really like the part about feeling like youve lost something and always searching your pockets... thats a really original idea in my head... ive never come across it before...

    i think there are some parts in here that are a lil too clichť... ideas that ive heard many times one way or another but yeah...
    i hope you show this to him
    i hope it all works out
    i hope you get to see him again sometime soon
    | Posted on 2006-08-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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