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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: metallichick786
    ASL Info:    32/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    2.79 - 78/85/52
    Words: 231
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 747
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1331



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    You label me a failure
    Condemned with only sin
    A constant reminder
    Of never being good enough for him

    You say I can be better
    More beautiful and thin
    You beg for me to change
    The plea comes from within

    My mind is my opposer
    Constantly unpleased
    My mind is never satisfied
    Never allowing me to breathe

    I see disgust ever time I look into that mirror
    I see the lust my mind has for all of my fear's
    A constant war inside my head battles till the end
    A wish for some contentment
    But never will this send

    If I was only you how nice that would be
    Because to be like them must be perfect
    A life I could live free

    Never will I know this life I’m stuck inside this
    Shell
    Everyday trying to pull out of my own personal hell
    A compliment rolls off my back as if it was never said
    Sometimes I think I'd like myself if I was only dead
    I feel as if I cannot go anywhere
    Stuck inside this box
    I feel as if my brain has put my sole behind a lock
    I wish I could make myself into what I want to be
    Because maybe then when I looked in the mirror my mind will like what it see's.




    Submitted on 2006-08-01 20:34:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This write was a bit off.. The rhyming changed, making it flow badly. At first it seemed you went ABCB. Then It was AABB.. You shouldn't change the rhyme scheme in a poem, it throws the whole poem off. There was one line that was really off to me, "But never will this send." I had to read that 4 times in order to move on. I think you should rearrange it to make it sound better. Perhaps, "But this will never end." Yes, I know it sounds over used and a bit cliché, but it flows soo much better then what you have.
    Now, I don't want this comment to seem all bad, because I really didd enjoy reading this poem. Its the topic that kept me reading. I have been in that same situation, in fact, I'm still coming out of it now. It really feels bad to have your mind not like what it sees. Sometimes I thought it was the mirrors fault and just bought new ones, but each one showed the reflection I dreaded to see. But after awhile I realized that my mind was playing tricks on me and the reflection I saw was actually quite beautiful as I'm sure yours is. This was a very nice poem to read, once you get past the offness. :D Keep up the nice work, and I'll keep reading..

    Sweet Blood Vampire
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by SweetX_XBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree the rhyming and flow was off in places but it was really nice to read nevertheless. Dont allow anyone to make you feel inadequate, you are your own light dont shine for others.

    Be Blessed,
    Jay.
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]


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