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open laceration

Author: silent_death12
Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739 /805 /135
Words: 194
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1573
Average Vote:    3.5000
Bytes: 1390


This was a fairly random write, really any thoughts would be appriciated,

open laceration

composing an open laceration
in the center of my chest,
as the blood rapidly flows,
the silhouette of my life,
painting itself upon my flesh,
like an undeviating scar...
that refuses to fade.
cradling your head,
as you drink these crimson tears.
mixing my existence into your life,
as tainted blood caresses your lips...
your dim heartbeat meeting my own,
and two shallow breathes intertwine as one.
bleeding my sin into your conviction,
(as if that will atone for all I've done)
singing along to our twisted lullaby,
creating a silent diatribe...
in this new form of repetition,
as you drink my poison lies,
and love fades along with life.
as my starless eyes remain in this stare,
and this river of blood proves there's still life.
but the sea of crimson is running dry,
fading away to embrace this intoxication.
obsession hiding in scars of apathy,
blade laced with whispered faith,
trapped within this ethereal fence,
handcuffed near a shattered crucifix
chained to someone else's views,
dying with my own beliefs...
but falling for another's cause...
*cause you can't have the smile of an angel,
without the wrath of 'god'*

Submitted on 2006-08-01 23:34:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  holy shyt? wth? I re-wrote this as a collaborative write, but I never actaully commented? wtf is wrong me?!? This is one of the very few things I ever collaborated on any-body with. And it's the only one in which I asked, instead of being asked. this is an old one, right when you and I stared talking frequently. it's amazing, of course I think my actions can speak volumes in comparison to any comment I could leave.
| Posted on 2008-02-17 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
   I have alot of trouble with your pieces, you make very frequent references to feeling like (or perhaps literally) bleeding. I feel like you often make some good points, but the way in which you do them are in a style perhaps my brain just doesn't relate to well. None the less, I can see what you're getting at, pouring yourself into something and getting nothing, feeling like you're exposing yourself in doing such, corrupting those you care about by doing such, good ideas, I like and can relate to them :-). Once again, if you were to go to google and type in "Things Behind The Sun Lyrics" you would get a good song/poem with a simular subject matter ,you would probably enjoy.
| Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
  it was very intriguing. was a slow read
and lacked a lot of flow.
mainly because of the "over-wording"
of quite a few lines.

if you don't know what i mean by that, it is simply that you should maybe tone down a lot of the descriptive words to more of flow words.

the poem itself in the beginning paints many beautiful pictures but get repetitive in a since almost the whole thing is overdrawn with ,beautiful yes, too many fancy words.

no i'm going to stop my own skipping record and leave you with my thoughts.

| Posted on 2007-01-20 00:00:00 | by spartan089 | [ Reply to This ]
  i loved the ending lines of this one:

*cause you can't have the smile of an angel,
without the wrath of 'god'*

because its so true. This write had good flow, and it was very depressing, dark, and romantic alltogether. nice write. keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2006-12-03 00:00:00 | by itsjustme22 | [ Reply to This ]
  Damn, I loved this. I know you know but I find this poem very ummmm... like romantic like especially this part

"cradling your head,
as you drink these crimson tears"

I found these two lines very romantic and I know that this isn't a vamp write but it still reminded me of them especially them drinking blood. I like those two lines a lot because I think that stuff is really ummm... hot. (as if you didn't know already) hmmm.. I can't really think of anything to say other than me liking this because of what its about. Lets see... I really liked ur language in this one, it was very complex and made me imagine the scene a lot more vividly. Damn! Can't think of anything else to say other than... I f.ucking loved this! I'm adding this to my favs. And I agree with Darth Zeus that the ending would be better in italics instead of asterixes.
| Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
  as you drink my poison[ed] lies,

Uhm.. well small suggestion. That plus the fact that I liek a piece better when properly capitalized, but thats a minor thing..
I did not really get where this was going to;
spoke of a love.. where two persons kind of mix to gether and feel as one, but then i get lost..
like.. your blood stream runs dry, and so does the love?

anyway.. I really like this part you wrote:

mixing my existence into your life,
as tainted blood caresses your lips...
your dim heartbeat meeting my own,
and two shallow breathes intertwine as one.

and for theose last lines,

cause you can't have the smile of an angel,
without the wrath of 'god'

maybe you can put them in italics rather than with the asterixes..

| Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]

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