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Author: Sanjhana
ASL Info:    21/f/India
Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 118 /154 /45
Words: 54
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 931
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 403



there was a shrill scream,
blurred movements.
shaken to the core.

there was thick red blood,
oozing with ease,
staining the world.

there was an attempt to kill.
successful or not?
noone knows.

it hurts like hell.
but i'm still alive.

you didnt stab my body...
you stabbed my soul...

Submitted on 2006-08-02 11:33:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Merry Meet again Sanjhana. I understood the pain in the poem, but it was hard to read. The flow was not there at all. The poem just seemed to broken. I believe this could be an awesome poem with some work. My favorite stanza was the last

You didn't stab my body....
you stabbed my soul.

I think you also need to work on puctuation. The ? didn't fit in stanza 3 line 2. Also capitalization.

I like your poetry. And these are just suggestions. I hope I didn't offend you.
Blessed Be Andrea
| Posted on 2007-02-16 00:00:00 | by magickandie | [ Reply to This ]
  so i guess this poem was about feelings in a physical sense - "you didnt stab my body...
you stabbed my soul...", yet "there was thick red blood".

suggestions i have would be, firstly, punctuation. maybe you could change it to "you didnt stab my body -
you stabbed my soul"; i think that just flows better with what you're trying to say. and the last line could be broken up, too:
"and now -

i'm broken."
i don't know, that's just what i think.

i don't think i liked the last two stanzas as much. also, it's a bit unclear - you talk about stabbing, but then you talk about letting you fall?
but i like "blurred movements.
shaken to the core."
| Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]

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