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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Final Blessingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rask
    ASL Info:    17/female/Canada...
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 56/34/14
    Words: 233
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 993
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1647



    Description:
       This was originaly a journal entry, but was pointed out to be rather poetic... so with the help of heartlessname, I turned this into a poem. Although, I think I like the journal entry better, not sure though. Anyway, enjoy!

    PS: No stupid, lameass, two line comments please... or I'll return the favour, but not so nicely ^_^ Thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFinal Blessingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Final Blessing

    For reasons purposely unknown,
    thinking is harder than dying tonight.
    Wishful thoughts carried on
    through darkness are embellished
    when our lips touch;
    my only release.

    It's staggering,
    the thoughts of your solitude;
    alone in the dark, nothing but the constant buzzing,
    frequent beating and
    eternal pain [without another]
    to keep you knowing
    you're still alive,
    but not ceasing the desire to perish

    Is this thought nearly enough
    to keep that heart of yours living,
    loving, beating?
    These constant, harsh reminders
    when your thoughts of sleep are close,
    but the reality
    is so much further?
    Where is she?
    Where has she gone...

    But the next night,
    when you're alone feeling that
    thinking is harder than dying,
    know I'm there.
    Feel me,
    the ghost trapped inside your soul.
    I'll never leave you,
    I'll never hurt you
    [purposely]
    and even though, my presence
    may be solid at times--
    the weight in your heart--once
    held and embraced, my love
    will no longer possess that
    fragrance of sorrow.

    Join me in solitude,
    be my angel, as I
    am your ghost.
    And once our lips finally retreat
    to that embellishment once more, our hearts
    will no longer grasp that dreadful burden,
    but will be in our hands as we
    chose to share them with eachother.




    Submitted on 2006-08-02 17:14:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is really well written
    I like how you have taken a relationship and gave it real new vivid life simply by writing about in your own style
    I enjoyed this
    Very Strong
    II especially liked the referrence of Ghost as in Holy Ghost and Angel to bring some much needed light to the Reader very creative
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Finally a poem with a little substance that is worth taking the time to say something about...

    First I like the fact that this started out as a journal entry and that you took the time and effort to make it into a poem. It still reads a little like "journal prose," but at least its great start. You could try to re-work some of the wording, word order, line breaks, etc, in order to make this read more like a poem... I really don't have specifics for you, and if I did I wouldn't tell you anyways, as i feel it is far more important for the poet to edit and revise, or he/she will learn nothing of the process...

    When I first saw that you labeled this a Romantic Poem, I was put off a bit... till i read it... Yes I can see the romance in it, and while I hate most love/romance poems (though I have written a few myself) I have to say that this poem doesn't fall into that ultra-cliché love/romance genre... It has genuine emotion and none of that "Romeo, Romeo, Where art tho Romeo" crap.

    Anyways, keep working on this Journal Entry turned poem and it will keep getting better... Good Luck

    PEACE and LOVE, gregory
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by geherald | [ Reply to This ]
      Indeed. It is a very beautiful love...song? Poem. Well written. This was journal entry? How odd :|

    I can only imagine what you were gonna put up in your journal... xD

    keep writting!

    -- Jason Clement
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]
      You've put alot of sentiment into this peice.. something rare I don't read too often. Your prose entry in your journal reads more letter-like in it's form.. which allows it to come togather more naturally - in my opinion.

    Nonetheless, you portray a deep sence of passion and concern for this being/person, who may not know needs you at first until that 'touch' or 'embrace'. And I like how you take more of a subdued persona - shadowy & ghostlike but not somber or sullen as the entity you possess.

    Nice work.

    Peace,

    Sarah
    | Posted on 2006-08-02 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      wow I realy loved this. I talk to you on chat. and I wana tell you I love your writing.
    this is proubly the best poem Ive read.
    with all my heart
    allmine
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by allmine | [ Reply to This ]
      wow
    this is the most beautiful powerful piece that ive ever read
    its so amazing andi love it so much

    ::For reasons purposely unknown,
    thinking is harder than dying tonight.
    Wishful thoughts carried on
    through darkness are embellished
    when our lips touch;
    my only release.::

    i love this the best
    its so powerful and it speaks
    even with out a voice

    i love it, it made me feel true, raw and honest
    i love this

    <3

    asherr
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by brokenHEARTed09 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely said.

    Wording sentimentality is diffcult and you, for the most part, nailed it on the nose.

    I only have a couple suggestions.

    I would try to take out as many 'you's' and 'yours' as I could. It will flow a bit better, be less repetitive, and more open for others to fall into.

    Also, the last line you wrote "eachother". I wonder if it was on purpose and if it was, it's a cool concept, but it should be a concept introduced somewhere earlier in the piece so it doesn't come across as a misspell.

    Very nicely done. There is a serious lack of real emotion on this site right now, so this was a breath...

    Take Care!

    Chell
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      i had to read this a few times before i fully understood this. it's so sad, but really pretty...
    the first and last stanza, i think, were best... but the meaning behind it was beautiful.
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by Jenni Bean | [ Reply to This ]
      this is the most passionate poem i've read in all my life.the passion shown here it is so deap.the love of two so strong that you can't even seperate them at death is the strongest of all love.i myself had to read this a cuple of times my mind swarmed w/ so many emotions.this piece was truely heartwarming,in a way saddening.but just the same i enjoyed it throughly.
    good jog to the both of you,
    bbcherry-jenn
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by bbcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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