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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Wall Infront of Suicidedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mr. Creep
    ASL Info:    16. Female. Here
    Elite Ratio:    1.97 - 96/177/112
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Fuck it all
    Total Views: 1191
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 563



    Description:
       I feel it has good details but its not emotional enough for me. Im going to edit it whrn I find the time dont worry.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Wall Infront of Suicidedots
    -------------------------------------------


    With nothing but a gun,
    and one bullet for my head.
    When everyone hates me,
    and I wish I were dead.

    My dreams are on the trigger,
    my life is on the high wire.
    My soul is in the barrel,
    and my mind is in the fire.

    My heart turns against me,
    and I fall to the ground.
    Crying out all my pain,
    but not making a sound.

    I never got the chance,
    to shoot myself in the head.
    Because the only thing that was stopping me,
    is already being dead.




    Submitted on 2006-08-03 15:34:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i love this one. :)

    keep up the good work!

    -kathleen
    | Posted on 2007-01-02 00:00:00 | by kathleenbrennan | [ Reply to This ]
      This is my favourite of yours by far I love it. Don't change this one at all. It has excellent flow and the images created by this one were really strong. There was a lot of feeling in it.

    From a devoted fan,
    FreeBird
    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by FreeBird | [ Reply to This ]
      niceee again i like ur [censored] alot but quit the suicide [censored] man be happy
    | Posted on 2006-09-20 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]
      Jennifer
    I dont think you have to improve this write at all
    You did an excellent job of expressing the emotion you have inside
    This write carried well and left me feeling very sad for how sad you feel
    If you ever need someone to talk to just pm me im always here
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Rhythym's off. (Comments in parenthesis)

    May I...

    Nothing but a gun in hand,
    and one bullet for my head.
    Everyone is hating me,
    I'm wishing I were dead.

    My dreams are on the trigger,
    my whole life's on a high wire.
    My soul is in the barrel,
    my mind is in the fire.

    (a lot of "my's" here)

    My own heart turns against me,
    while I'm falling to the ground.
    Crying out in all my pain,
    yet making not a sound.

    I never did get the chance,
    to shoot myself in the head.
    The only thing that stopped me?
    I am already dead.

    (Those last four lines need some work.)

    All in all, this is definately from the heart. A good write. Can certainly feel your pain and anguish. Hope I haven't insulted your writing technique...I'm either a free writer, or critical with my own rhyming schemes...it's my own curse...hope you view my comment as gentle criticism...'cuz that's all it's meant to be.

    Great eye-catching title. Great picture, too.
    Peace to your spirit.
    Kimmy
    | Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by KimmyMim | [ Reply to This ]
      i realy liked this poem it just has this realy smooth flow to it as you read it just fits good pecie keep up the good work :)
    | Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by dark figure | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, a grade A suicide poem.
    Written a couple my self.
    But this one was among of the best.
    I really enjoyed the second paragraph.
    Well written.
    But i agree with one of the previous posters.
    The last paragraph needs some work.
    Well written.
    Write on.
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Valle_Siddious | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this poem. it didnt need to be more emotional. sometimes if it is too emotional it blocks the reader from getting the message. i liked the idea behind it but the end kinda confused me. i look forward to reading more of your work. good job and keep writing.
    ~Amberger
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by Amberger | [ Reply to This ]
      Well... If your spirit was already dead, you never would have taken the time to share your feelings with me.
    Great writing, in my opinion, but suicide is not all it's cracked up to be... i killed myself with an overdose when i was 18, but the marvels of medical science brought me back. I didn't go to hell either, i just stared at my dead face as the paramedics feebly fought to keep me breathing until i reached the hospital. that was a couple years ago... 3 and a half mos. ago i moved several states away, and now i'm back, because my "dad" as i call him, blew his [censored] brains out the day after talking me out of overdosing on heroin. I have no one in this world anymore, and i want to die, but i want to live to become more successful, happier, richer, much better off than ALL people who have anything against me. They can all suck my cock, and eat my ass too. :-)
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by psyko | [ Reply to This ]
      i really loved this poem. i think otherwise as far as amberger is concerned, i think you should always pour every bit of emotion into your writes and you did this well in this poem. keep writing...
    </3 lisa
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem. However, the last two lines threw me off when you changed tense in the same line.

    You wrote:

    Because the only thing that was stopping me,
    is already being dead.

    You went from past tense to present tense and it shakes it up a little.

    Suggestions:

    Because the only thing that was stopping me,
    was already being dead.

    It makes it a little more coherent.

    Good job.
    Robert P.
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by pugh7755 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is something I can relate to and porbably not only me. It was emotional but in a certain way. I really liked this poem, it's good it has certain details that make you...think. It's good that you can write, not always express, but have what your feelings or what you're thinking, written down and the way you wrote it is good. What I liked from the poem was:

    My hearts turns against me,
    and I fall to the ground.
    Crying out all my pain,
    but not making a sound.

    I know how that feels. Good job on the piece and keep writing. :)
    | Posted on 2006-08-03 00:00:00 | by Foreseer | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this. i love that it has a numbed feeling to it. i think i only like it because it is something i always have wanted to hear. not because i am some phycho who enjoys death but because my boyfriend commited suicide right after my birthday with a gun to his head and he was on drugs and stuff so it was like he was already dead.
    i like your writting. check out some of mine if you like. I'm going to look at more of yours
    XoXo
    4ever_numb
    | Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by 4ever_numb | [ Reply to This ]
      amazing!!!

    ~*Jackie*~
    | Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]
      cool twist at the end.

    I never got the chance,
    to shoot myself in the head.
    Because the only thing that was stopping me,
    is already being dead.


    sux being dead inside doesnt it.
    | Posted on 2006-09-29 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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