sick by eowyn

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Submission Name: sick dots

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Author:	eowyn
ASL Info:	18/f/australia
Elite Ratio:	5.47 - 227/153/76
Words:	144

Class/Type:	Poetry/Angry
Total Views:	195
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	883

Description:
a rewrite. i took some of the original ideas i had, and decided to try and rewrite it now that i am a little detached from it all.

sick

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Boasting you slit your throat
After some temporary high.
(You make me sick)
Thinking popularity will win out
And you will never be alone.
(Lonely after that high)
Have I got news for you.
You are sorely mistaken.
(You don’t know how wrong you are)
People laugh at you behind your back
And I laugh with them.
(You’re a joke to us all)
I am not a seraphim,
I am merely one who seeks revenge.
(Why should I be an angel for you)
You stole my life, my loves.
You took my pain and made it yours.
(Thief, you make me sick)
I cannot fight your fire with fire
But I have others, an army to aid me
As you slit your throat.
(I’m watching the show)
We will not weep for you.
You make us sick.
(Your gone, we are no longer sick)

Submitted on 2006-08-04 00:53:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Very emotionally charged as the others have said. In terms of actual pieces of writing, I have seen better, even among the angsts. It's hard to write a good angst poem, especially since they're all over. The language was simplistic, and in some places it feels more like a prose bit than a poem. The emotion is intoxicating, but reliance on feeling isn't a good habit to get into.

I also agree on the parentheticals, those could probably stand to be taken out.

Thanks for sharing this though. I'll read some of your more recent poetry to get a better idea of where you're at now, but I saw the title and couldn't pass it up. So, look forward to another comment soonish.
| Posted on 2007-01-16 00:00:00 | by Zabriel | [ Reply to This ]
  And wow again...another emotionally charged piece. I liked the way this was written (though I might have to agree with Andrew about the parentheses, I wasn't exactly sure of their purpose).

One tiny thing that I should point out to you. "Seraphim" is plural of "seraph." That means that "a seraphim" is grammatically incorrect.... use "a seraph."

Once again, good job!

~Doh
| Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by rememberplaydoh | [ Reply to This ]
  sounds as though youve had a very bad encounter with someone you used to trust... i like the style, i wouldnt never wish death upon anyone but ive been in your postition so i understand the concept of this context. it was aiiight.
| Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by naynay9_90 | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm...This was okay. I've seen better. I didn't think the parentheses really added much to the effectiveness of the piece. You could probably do without them. I think I understand the premise. Not sure, though.

I don't know, though. The more I look at it, the more I like it. I guess it's just because I've written a lot of these types of poems (although the majority are not on eliteskills). It's the vapidness that gets me angry. Vapidness in people. I don't know if that's where you were going. But whatever. I dislike useless humans who are more conerned with petty trifles than than actual problems. Because if most people really knew what life was about, they wouldn't have problems. Most of the time, anyway.

Well, anyway, that probably wasn't what you were going for in the least bit. But there's a dysfunctional mini-rant for you.

-Andrew
| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by gargleafg | [ Reply to This ]

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