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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Desertdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WolfStar
    ASL Info:    26/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.85 - 119/130/46
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 921
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1381



    Description:
       Not my best piece. My writing lately has been absolutely terrible. Which is why I would like any help you can give me on this one. I figure if I can get through one, I can get started up again.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDesertdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Golden eyes flecked with desert sand
    infused with amber threads of sunlight
    reach over the distant eastern winds
    to find me walking farther west,
    but never far enough
    before returning to where it began.

    There is a place where dust creeps
    where light is only a trick of mirror magic
    and there is a dryness so deep
    that the cracks and ravines
    provide a grave
    for all my silent wishes.

    There is a place
    where all the old familiar haunts reside
    where missed encounters rest
    until they are summoned
    for another bitter disappointment.

    And perhaps it is natural to live here
    where the seasons bear no harvest
    and corners once loved fade untended
    and the desert wind comes again
    bearing the sand that is your eyes
    again in a storm that forbids new flower.

    You are closed to me
    as the clouds close their eyes;
    closed, so no rain may ever fall here,
    no matter where I wander.
    And in the sand, little silver things
    have lost their luster
    without a breath to awaken them;
    there is a dryness
    that reaches so deep
    I cannot drink, I cannot drown;
    I am not graced with even enough water
    to purify my eyes again.




    Submitted on 2006-08-04 01:32:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I've always been one to prefer shorter poetry, over longer, because short poetry often lead to more hearty, open, provoking conclusions. Longer poetry seems to have that thirst to over-philosophize, or go too into detail about a particle of an atom's left corner or whatnot. It's too described, if I can say that.

    And that's what I think is the main weakness of this piece. Even if thoughts should flow and be part of the piece, you cannot let them flow too much, or without control. There are sections where your comparisons become more of a tangent than mere metaphors:

    "Golden eyes flecked with desert sand
    infused with amber threads of sunlight"

    This is what I would consider awry.

    "and there is a dryness so deep
    that the cracks and ravines
    provide a grave
    for all my silent wishes."

    The transition between natural environment and your own sanctuary is too abrupt, and maybe uncalled for, seeing that the connection is already very evident.

    "There is a place
    where all the old familiar haunts reside
    where missed encounters rest
    until they are summoned
    for another bitter disappointment."

    Not necessary. This is a tangent Stanza.

    "You are closed to me
    as the clouds close their eyes;
    closed, so no rain may ever fall here,
    no matter where I wander."

    Another tangent.

    The images are magnificient, so you are on the right track. Just try to control the feelings and maintain a balance.
    | Posted on 2007-07-29 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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