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Innocence, in a sence
Is a beautiful thing
Though mature thoughts are not expressed
Our joyful hearts easily sing
The lad,for his lass picks a small flower
And we view a beautiful scene
But love, defiled, makes us cower
And View love, obscene
Innocence, in a sence
Is all lost
Society generalizes sex
And is shocked to pay the cost
Violence, murder, rape
Innocence painfully decays
With nowhere to go or escape
We must act upon another day.
| It was nothing ground breaking.... but I liked it. This is a good piece on the polarization of innocence had and then lost.|
Some of the punctuation was off and I think you over used the word "is" (actually, if you took them all out and read it... it would read differently). You could also remove some of the 'ands' such as 'And we view love as obscene'.. I would have said 'Love viewed as obscene'.
I also think you should reconsider some of your rhyme scheme (I always say this 'flow flow flow' it's all about flow) but it isn't the end of the world.
Try writing a poem without the words is, and and it. I'd like to read that. I'd also say, write one without a 1-3, 2-4 rhyme scheme (or break the mold and use no rhyme at all)... challenge yourself to be different and break the mold.
Keep up the good work and keep writing. I'll be around to read more of your work down the road.
|| Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by homeless | [ Reply to This ] || i really love this poem. it's so different than most. the rhyme scheme and everything. i really love it. sorry it's taken me so long to get back on here and check these out it's been hectic lately. well all i have to say is i love it!|
hearts and hugs!
|| Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by shayla8911 | [ Reply to This ] || Poems like these intrigue me because it's just so upsetting that our innocence disappears. And unfortunately, we can't ever get it back. I want so much to be a carefree child again, because I still remeber what it feels like.|
I liked the second stanza. Where you say how it's all lost, and how it painfully decays, which is all true.
|| Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ] || This reminds me of a poem by Yeates called "Adam's Curse". I love the sort of nostalgia in this poem, the way the two stanzas contradict each other just to hghlight their respective ups and downs. I think you have a lot of interesting things to say, and you say it in a beautiful way.|
|| Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by girl | [ Reply to This ] || I can't say that it was *really* that original - alright, nonetheless.|
Unless it was done on purpose, you might want to edit this to correct the typographical error you made.
Sence - sense.
That is, if you didn't do it on purpose.
|| Posted on 2006-08-04 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ] |