Description: This one is sort of a description of, and a feeling after a waking dream(not day dream) that I had recently. I'm just now getting over it, as I haven't had one of these, let alone one so real, in quite some time. I don't even know what triggered it, but when I got back to reality, I was pissed, and would have probably jumped at any reason to fight. Fortunately(I think), when this dream came, it was two am, and I was on my way from home from work. I didn't actually see anybody that night.
As a piece, I think it sucks royally, disagree if you want, but I haven't conveyed the feeling, I need to. Eiter way, and as always, be honest before being kind, life's better that way.
My fist smashes into the plaster,
White shrapnel cutting to the bone,
As another outlet opens,
For these scarlet rivers of rage
To flow from my veins.
This resounding pain I reveal
Through my silent voice,
To your phantasmal faces,
May you feel the scathing fury
Of unspoken damnations.
Fires of lust blaze in watery eyes,
Exposing ecstasy in enmity.
Can you feel it in your beds?
Can you sense my ebbing wrath,
Forcing my rigid body near to convulsions.
Come to me, all of you.
Come to me and die.
Let me tear you a sunder,
As you beat me bloody,
Let us test the limits of my hate.
Lest I have to hide it once more,
To my docile side.
Let me bleed, let me break, let me fight on,
Forever more or never.
Wow Thomas, I really enjoyed this piece. when I was reading it I could see it coming alive in my head. And "sucks royally" Yeah thats a big NO. If you want something that sucks royally look at some of the writing I am going to be putting on here. I have little to no talent next to you, but thats great. I can learn from you, teach me. As for this part "As another outlet opens, For these scarlet rivers of rage To flow from my veins." Wow, that touched me a lot. I could see pure anger and hatred. But I also have to say that it is missing something, I don't know what but I do notice that "it" isn't there
royally sucks... i dont think so but there is something lacking somehow and im not sure what or how or why...
its almost like you have got distracted some part of writing this piece and it hasnt actually gone where it set out to go... kinda got sidetracked somehow...
theres a lot of anger and hate and blood in here and well... whenever you write with these three things you run the risk of not being taken seriously these days because everyone writes of these emotions and energies but very few do it well...
now i can see through this piece that you are not trying to convey how crap your world is and how much you wanna die or cut yourself but i think you need to try and think more about how you word this so that the power and effect is there without spelling it all out so clearly... however this is easier said than done really...
now i like the idea of a phantom fight... im not sure its conveyed as well as it could be though... this piece makes you sound made at the whole world... ready to take the whole world on and win... i dunno...
theres just something about this piece that doesnt work for me... the idea and inspiration is really good but the delievery doesnt live up to what i think it should... im sorry... this hasnt been a very constructive comment...
"sucks royally"? haha. you gotta be kidding me. I enjoyed this! :) It comes across me as one of those moments written at the spur of the moment. It's a sudden rush of emotion, and to successfully convert the experience into words isn't the most easy of things to do... I must say, even though I wouldn't call this piece extraordinary, you did quite an effort with it.
I think you did a good job expressing the emotions in the poem. I could really feel the immense anger and hate just bursting out in this poem - yet at the same time, (what I like about it is) the anger seems to be a product of restrained feelings. It appears to me as if you have drawn upon past experiences where you have suppressed those feelings - perhaps due to the circumstances, your responsibilities, who knows what - and utilised them in writing this, whether consciously or not.
And I absolutely loved these lines: "As you beat me bloody, Let us test the limits of my hate." I'm not quite sure why. There's a sense of originality and brutal honesty about it that really draws my attention to it, particularly the phrase "let us test the limits of my hate".
So I guess I do disagree with you that it sucks royally. Haha. Maybe it can be improved, but at the moment, I like it just the way it is.
No, this did not suck, but I have seen you do way better then this Thomas. Very creative wording, but like a dream, it did flowed abstractly with the way you worded it. I get the underline anger and fear here. I sense you are fighting some imaginary foe that really is some issues you refuse to deal with. Okay, now am I putting to much into this? It could use a little more tweaking here and there, but it is not a complete waste or sack of crap. Ever heard of anger management my friend? lol