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My lonely heart and I

Author: MysterydarkPoet
ASL Info:    20/f/Aust
Elite Ratio:    3.13 - 157 /295 /173
Words: 199
Class/Type: Poetry /Dark
Total Views: 902
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 1275


My lonely heart and I

With one eye on the trigger
I hear them snigger
''She won't shoot, there's no way''
But they don't know what they say
They don't know me
A sad face is all they see
But inside sits a broken soul alone
A shattered heart covered in stone
Inside is me hiding from reality
trapped inside with my insanity
Inside is a crazy mind
that wants to leave the world behind
They don't know, but they hold the knife
they don't know, that i hate my life
In my dreams, they cut, they stab, the mawled
I shouted out , for help i called
But did anyone come?
Before the damage was done?
Now they wonder why, and so do you..
It's to late, there's nothing you can do
Now i hold my life in my hand
And think how no one ever did understand
What was behind this sad face
has merged to the surface
and you can snigger
but it's not your life on the trigger
Cuz no one ever really cared
That inside was just a little girl scared
I guess it's good-bye, good-bye to you
good-bye to the world, good-bye to everything i thought i knew

Submitted on 2006-08-05 01:46:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  i love the rythm and meter in this peice, i dont know if you intended to do this or not, but on the parts where the reader is supposed to pay closer attention to teh words to get the deeper meaning, the meter slows down a half beat, and on the more frantic manic parts it speeds up. excellent execution on that. other than a few gramatical errors it shouldnt be hard to turn into a song or spoken word peice, or to keep in your leaflet journal.
| Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by ryeker03 | [ Reply to This ]
  "It's to late, there's nothing you can do"
(to should be 'too')

"Now i hold my life in my hand"
(the 'I' should be capitalized)

Those were the only mistakes I could find, they're not big mistakes, but all the same, they're mistakes...
The subject under which this poem was written isn't an exactly an original subject, a bit cliché', but it was still a nice poem. I did like how you described how you really felt the moment before your death, but all-in-all they still don't understand, they just think you're being dramatic, so the just snigger themselves away. Kinda tragic if you really think about it....
The ending was a little too familiar...I can think of about three or more different poems I've read that end the same way. Try fixing that up a little...make it a bit different. That's the only main suggestion I have for you besides fix the mistakes I pointed out. Otherwise, nice job.

| Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good
as much as i know(which is very little)this is mainly a cry for help that didnt get answered
alot of though n it though.makes me remember how i felt about all of it .good lenght and all.overall good poem
| Posted on 2006-08-05 00:00:00 | by every48seconds | [ Reply to This ]

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