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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thank You For The Poisondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Liv2LoveThePain
    ASL Info:    19 - F - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.23 - 1527/1515/256
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 969
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1148



    Description:
       Just another random conversation with myself.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThank You For The Poisondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Teach me your bad habits.
    Tell me what you mean.
    Prove that you are everything
    I never want to be.
    Speak of true devotion,
    your immortality;
    even how you stab yourself
    to feel more close to me.

    What a sick, sad sight,
    this mirror of deceit.
    Your voice will always mock my own
    'til I admit defeat.
    Ask me if you're breathing.
    Leave me incomplete.
    Tell me how you scream all day
    with loves songs on repeat.

    Thank you for the poison.
    Thank you for the pills.
    Smile through those clenching teeth,
    while begging, "Make me ill."
    Promise that you're leaving
    after one more kill.
    Beauty's in the silent scene
    upon your window sill.

    Tell me that you're innocent.
    Swear you're not obsessed.
    Promise that you'd slit your throat
    to differ from the rest.
    Walk toward deep denial.
    Stagger on "possessed."
    You might have mastered dying, dear,
    but I am still the best.




    Submitted on 2006-08-06 23:17:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      god damn you and your awesomeness!

    dude, im so flippin jealous! i havent been able to write anything post-worthy in months and you churn out like 20 masterpeices in a week! you re the f***ing super poet.

    The setup, the flow, the rhyme scheme, all were slpendid.

    A few parts that really stood out tome were:
    "Ask me if you're breathing.
    Leave me incomplete.
    Tell me how you scream all day
    with loves songs on repeat."
    &
    "Tell me that you're innocent.
    Swear you're not obsessed.
    Promise that you'd slit your throat
    to differ from the rest.
    Walk toward deep denial.
    Stagger on "possessed."
    You might have mastered dying, dear,
    but I am still the best."

    and i like this part
    "Beauty's in the silent scene
    upon your window sill."
    so much that i'm thinkin about writing it somewhere in my room.

    (insert spicket metaphor here)

    i'm off to comment some more.

    -your darling dance partner
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by MyFairCalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...you're good *duhhhhh* lol.

    i know i sound like a fanboy, but you're nice. i haven't seen many poets of your caliber here on ES.

    *climbs of your jock now* ok, the only thing that deterred me from marrying this one would be the over extension in certain lines, kind of bothered the aesthetics ever so slightly. but nothing that would place this poem in jeopardy of not going on my fav's list *^_^*

    What a sick, sad sight,
    this mirror of deceit.
    EXTENDED-Your voice will always mock my own
    'til I admit defeat.
    Ask me if you're breathing.
    Leave me incomplete.
    Tell me how you scream all day
    with loves songs on repeat.

    Thank you for the poison.
    Thank you for the pills.
    EXTENDED-Smile through those clenching teeth,
    while begging, "Make me ill."
    Promise that you're leaving
    after one more kill.
    Beauty's in the silent scene
    upon your window sill.

    Tell me that you're innocent.
    Swear you're not obsessed.
    Promise that you'd slit your throat
    to differ from the rest.
    Walk toward deep denial.
    Stagger on "possessed."
    EXTENDED-You might have mastered dying, dear,
    but I am still the best.

    ***just the lines i thought were over-extended, but then changing them might harm the meter you had going on here, it was catchy.

    ***You might have mastered dying, dear,
    the comma between dying and dear, i racked my brain trying to find the reason that it was put there, but couldn't find one at all. its unecessary...i understand what you were trying to do though, convey that pause to the reader-but a dash or set of elipses would've worked better w/no comams in that line at all.

    something else, the periods. i felt you had quite a bit of those and the commas in this one. periods discontinue a sentence, and end a thought, when this was more of a stream of consciousness in the way one thought spurred another as opposed to a continuation. and the periods, both when reading silently and aloud kinda messed me up. id wish they werent so recurrent.

    i thought that Dear in the final stanza couldve been emphatically capaitalized (since this peice was already haunting) to give even more of that feel to the reader, leaving them guessing was there anymore to this mysterious dear character that they are reading about that perhaps they might have missed, or were they looking too deeply.

    i didn't mean to rant, or try and belittle your work-for that wasn't my intent at all, just saw some things...

    and everyone who commented on your poems was just like WOW OMFG UM UR GREAT...or im at a loss of words so ill comment the poet.

    compliments mean well, but don't always help to improve if others are two fearful of defining our imperfectiosn for us and bringing light to them, we surely won't...*sighs and takes a step back*.

    but i will be reading your poems, and ill have to see if theres an open slot on my stalk list for ya...like i said, u might turn into one of those i look up to here at es...

    merry meet and blessed be
    Loquacious Mind
    | Posted on 2006-08-12 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      Seriously, how do you keep getting more and more talented. this whole think was indescribalble. so great. my favorite part were:

    "What a sick, sad sight,
    this mirror of deceit.
    Your voice will always mock my own
    'til I admit defeat.
    Ask me if you're breathing.
    Leave me incomplete.
    Tell me how you scream all day
    with loves songs on repeat."

    and:

    "Tell me that you're innocent.
    Swear you're not obsessed.
    Promise that you'd slit your throat
    to differ from the rest.
    Walk toward deep denial.
    Stagger on "possessed."
    You might have mastered dying, dear,
    but I am still the best."

    ur so talented. absolutely amazing. you are the wind beneath my wings.


    love,

    meeee

    | Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      Thats funny anytime i try to engage ina a conversation with myself, i always ignore me, i guess i dont have the kind of relationship you have with you or the talents you have either, this is amazing i especially loved the last sentence, i had to read it over and over like i was stuck on repeat oooh gotta gotheir trying to put me in the straightjacket again.

    Crazed,
    Jay.
    | Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      Real sad... for me anyways... It is like people putting themselves through pain and everyday more and more just for that other person just so they keep hurting to make the other person try to out do them and do something worse... that last line was the hit though the power line... Do whatever you want, I already know what will go on... I could care less about what you do and how you do it anymore... this game is over... or at least that is how I read it... nice poem like always great work.

    Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      It might just be me, but reading this made me cry. Maybe it's because it was something that I can relate to so much, maybe just because I understand and sympathise. I don't know. But man... nobody gets to make me cry!
    It's a favourite Nikki. One of your best in the way of conveying something.
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      this is deeeeeeeeep lol really good but hey i love all your poems (",) the only thing i didnt really understand was the end "but i am still the best" best at what?? anyway good poem tons of big words lol
    -Sarah
    (yay im first lol)
    | Posted on 2006-08-06 00:00:00 | by Brat05 | [ Reply to This ]


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