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Hope


Author: manicsmuse
ASL Info:    28
Elite Ratio:    3.69 - 146 /161 /55
Words: 190
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 939
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1160



Description:


This is an attempt at a song. I have a buddie that is going to put it to an acoustic guitar. so we will see I guess, tell me what you think!!!


Hope



Well I've been down before
but today it seems like aliitle more
I have nobody to talk to, but I got you
which is nothing

It is everything I have heared of
and all I ever dreamed
but today it just seems like something
in between

I want to lean on your solid ground
I want you to wipe away all the tears
I wish today wasn't just another cliché'
I depend on

There is sadness I can place
memories that I can simply erase
But today the hurt is larger than I could ever see
And it's something


I have the fear of knowing it is me
I have the hope that it goes away
But today just isn't going my own way
I'm afraid

That even you will turn your back on me
When tomorrow turns into gone
This is just another sad, sad song
I can rely on

I wish today wasn't just another cliché'
I depend on
I want you to wipe away all the tears
But I am afraid
And that has got to be something




Submitted on 2006-08-07 00:01:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I want to lean on your solid ground
I want you to wipe away all the tears
I wish today wasn't just another cliché'
I depend on
I thought this was repetitive first of all, i understand that its a song, but the continuous I...I...I...I...like...

I want to lean on your solid ground
Wipe away all the tears, all those years
I wish today wasn't just another cliché'
That I'm relivin'

or SOMETHING. it was just that repitition became redundant to a certain extent. yeah don't take my change literally since i love changing the meaning of other person's writes O_O...but something, anythign would've been better to transition more smoothly between the second stanza and this.

There is sadness I can place
memories that I can simply erase
But today the hurt is larger than I could ever see
And it's something


I have the fear of knowing it is me
I have the hope that it goes away
But today just isn't going my own way
I'm afraid
kk two things, first off there's a two line spacing between these stanzas, don't know if this was intentional or not, but if it was, i don't see the purpose behind it, sitting here racking my brain for some kind of explanation, was a bit annoying to the aesthetic sector...

and also, notice the second stanza in this lead, absolutely beautiful, because there was not the repetitive I...I...I...that'll leave the guitarist saying "I...I...I...wish she would stop, wish I would just die, pouring lighter fluid while she isn't lookin, set this soul afire..." lol you know? but that's what i was looking for in the other stanza, seemless transition.

That even you will turn your back on me
When tomorrow turns into gone
This is just another sad, sad song
I can rely on
I thought you could've tried a bit harder in this stanza. the emotion and meaning moreso seems...nonexistant you know. this is just another sad, sad song i can rely on. what is it about the song that enables you to be able to rely on it?

now i'm not slow or anything, but it could've been worded better to give it a bit more meaning and significance. if you removed these last 2 lines, the meaning of the poem will be helped ever so slightly. kinda takes you out of the mood reading them because they seem irregular.

when he turns his back you'll have this tome of his existence sure i understand that...

That even you will turn your back on me
When tomorrow turns into gone
***absolutely powerful here in these two lines...
This is just another sad, sad song
I can rely on
***what it was for me was the fact you lost momentum when you added these last 2 lines. they aren't as powerful as the first two, for they are symbolic and embody the emotion of the latter stanzas, whereas these 2 merely explain the purpose of the song, don't compliment the first two, and they rhyme, that's it...

*sighs* i know i stayed on those two lines for the longest, but this poem had me up til that point.

well, other than those gripes and complaints i thought this was a decent song for starters. and i'm no song writer, but lyrics in song and song in poetry share the same similarities...

so i hope to see more from you here soon, maybe even another song .

you asked me to holla back, so i did...

*so what it wasn't i holla, i screamed, big deal *
merry meet and blessed be friend
Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this would make a great song and wish I could hear the music. I am not sure how this person is just another cliché but I like the overall lyrics and the feeling of sadness in this. You might be able to tighten it up a bit once it's put to music and it will be something very lovely.
| Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


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