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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: GASP! Cigarettes! More!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: azure_warrior
    ASL Info:    42 /m/ in my mind.
    Elite Ratio:    5.43 - 44/43/32
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 740
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1080



    Description:
       Wasn't it W.C. Fields who said "Quitting is easy. I've done it thousands of times...."
    I quit smoking on August 6, 2000. So today, on my 6th anniversary from smoking, I thought it would be appropos (sp.) to try to write a poem about it.I hope the choppy rhythm approximates a smoker's gasp for breath...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGASP! Cigarettes! More!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Marlboro cowboys smoke in the cold.
    People who just will not be told...

    Gasp!
    Out on the ledge! Don't look down!
    See the pollyannas wearing a frown.

    Cough!
    You start your days in satisfaction.
    You end your pleasure with smoke.

    Wheeze.
    And you will go to the ends of the world,
    And through the all-night crime in the 'Hood.

    Gasp!
    Every cigarette erases 8 minutes,
    Of your life, they say...

    How do you stay supplied these days?
    Your lifestyle rivals the national debt.

    I take it for granted, I'm a non-smoker,
    I've been for many years...

    Of course I'm glad I can breathe again.
    No more cough or chest pain.

    I hear reverberating in the air,
    "Yeah, it'll kill us, but it's worth it."

    When you unconverted,
    See me out in the day,

    Please blow a little cigarette smoke my way!





    Submitted on 2006-08-07 00:54:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hahaha. This is not funny, because smoking is not funny it kills, but t he last stanza just made me laugh, I apologize. This is actually a really great poem, and it is inspiring for all the people who smoke, to know that someone else is behind them, and has the same smoking problem also. This is also a good write, because it came from personal experience, and it's my experience, but the best writing comes from your heart, if you don't mind me sounding a bit cliché'd. Anyhow, the poem is a really great one, I'm glad to have read it.
    Walk in Love and Light,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like both the style of narration and the topic ( I really hate smoking). Another good thing was this is just on the verge of becoming cryptic,but didn't cross over, so you have to use just the right amount of brain to understand it...(I sometimes get frustated by those I can't)

    What is "pollyanna"? I can't find it in the dictonary...

    What is the Hood?

    Anyways, here are some things I would have changed:

    Take your 8 minutes,
    Towards your end.

    "Yeah it'll kill us, but it's worth it."

    The quotations seems a bit abrupt and shocked me when I first read it!

    How about:
    Take your 8 minutes,
    Towards your end.

    For I hear it, reverberating, in the air
    "Yeah it'll kill us, but it's worth it."

    Perhaps the original one sounds more natural to you and I must admit it's growing on me the more I reread it, but for the first read I think the changed one sounds better.

    Similar thing with I Quit! At first read you can't identify where it fits into the previous line...maybe a change of stanza?

    I'm confused... is it better to let the reader not grasp it at his first go? Or perhaps to each his own...

    I like the meter too...fluctuating, rhymed and unrhymed...maybe its just me!

    Adios!
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the ending. it shows how hard it can be after so long.
    my coach was a smoker. i use past tense, because i had to quit my sport, bnot because he dided. any way. he used to say "people tell me smoking will kill me. i say 'yeah but it hurts a helluva lot less than getting hit by a bus"' then he does this goofy smile, and takes another drag.
    i personally cant stand smokers. my entire family smokes, and i never realised it affected me so much, as i did when i moved away from them. it took a while for me to get used to clear air, and for my wheeze to go away. i didnt even realise i wheezed until then.

    sorry. i completely got side tracked.

    you kept to the topic, which is always a good start. there were a few problems in the flow, the word pattern sort of jumping a bit.
    i think that perhaps it might have been the on off rhyming that did it.

    regardless, for such a personal piece, good work.
    | Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]


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