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Serenity


Author: manicsmuse
ASL Info:    28
Elite Ratio:    3.69 - 146 /161 /55
Words: 93
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1066
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 547



Description:


I am having difficulty bringing this piece together. it is lacking in something I cannot put a finger on. Flow? The whole piece leaves me unsettled... Give me some help please!!


Serenity



Oh how I miss the wispering willow that leaped into my heart.
It rained it's indiference down on me from the very start.

When the wind was shallow and the vastness cried,
I could not seem to follow.

When everything seemed so untrue and nothing was quite fair,
I hollared to the falling sun
who did not seem to care.

Oh how I seek that calmness to wrap around my soul.
Then I could rest my knees and swing all day,
When I have lost which way to go.




Submitted on 2006-08-08 09:59:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  My critique is much the same as hyproglo.

I would make it a little easier on the eyes and shave off a couple of the's and and's.


Oh, how I miss the wispering willow
that leaped into my heart.
It rained it's indiference down
on me from the very start.

When the wind was shallow,
the vastness cried,
I could not seem to follow.

When everything seemed so untrue,
nothing was quite fair,
I hollared to the falling sun
who did not seem to care.

Oh, how I seek that calmness,
to wrap around my soul.
Then I could rest my knees and swing all day,
When I have lost which way to go.

something like that..

thanks for sharing,
Swanne
| Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I dont see where you come off saying you have a flow problem with this. Heck, I dont even see any problem with this except for a few spelling and grammatical errors...and believe me...when you can only be critiqued on spelling and grammatical errors...you have a good write.




Oh how I miss the whispering willow that leaped into my heart.
It rained it's indifference on me from the very start.

When the wind was shallow and the vastness cried,
I could not seem to follow
Because of the tears in my eyes

When everything seemed so untrue and nothing was quite fair,
I hollared at the falling sun
It did not seem to care.

Oh how I seek that calmness to wrap around my soul
So I could rest my knees and swing all day,
When I have lost which way to go


O.k....so I critiqued it a bit. *shrugs* Not gonna stop me from adding it to my faves list though.

This one may leave you unsettled, but I bet it will leave most that read it just like me...smiling.

Thanks for sharing Angela.
| Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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