longingly staring through the void held between the seemingly known, and unexplored.
what lies beneath the grasp of the mystery that holds us to its darkness?
nothing and everything all rolled into one.
loving and hating,
laughing and crying.
corrupting dark and cleansing light.
shadowing deceit clouds the vision of those ignorantly walking a repetitive path, [a path] chosen by those before them.
| longingly staring through the void |
the seemingly known and the unexplored
what lies beneath
the whispered mystery
that clasps our feet to its darkness?
nothing and everything living as one
love and hatred
laughter and tears
and cleansing light
shadowy deceit clouds the vision
of those ignorantly pacing a repetitive path
Ok, VP, I saw a theme in this post and I ran with it (and it was a much darker, more serious theme than you may have considered when you posted this write; the muse can be surprising). I find the concept of questioning both the positive and negative aspects of life refreshing (and the sparse use of punctuation and lack of capitalization tightened the overall stoicism of the piece). With that in mind, I obeyed the mantra of the poem, gutted it of all but the most essential phrases and kept only the question marks as punctuation.
Whether you realize it or not, nicely done.
|| Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] || Hey,|
Well you got to ask yourself one question "Where is this going?" I'm just kidding. I think you wrote it even though you didn't know why you wrote because something clicked in you subconsciously the day you wrote it or when you were thinking something.
I honestly think you need to divide your thoughts a bit more so that you can understand precisely what you are dealing with...Mabye even find one word so that you wouldn't have a harder time understanding the sentences (but if you get the sentences, then it saves you a bit of trouble by cutting up time). Then when you're done with that, expand your thoughts and focus only on that direction.
You have good ideas here but it needs more description, more information and more emotions. i think you need to connect yourself to the piece before others can connect to it.
Try and view this piece from a different perspective and see what happens.
I don't know if i made sense or not but i really hoped i could have helped you out. Tell me how things turn up.
|| Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] || It has a good feel to it, but yes it needs some work. What you have leaves me with questions: the phrase "chosen by those before them" alone leaves me wondering who "those" are and who the "them" are. |
In the beginning, you say "longingly staring through the void," but at what? Do you long for the void itself?
I love the phrase "corrupting dark and cleansing light," perhaps you could elaborate on this idea. You could even tie it in as a theme for the poem: the "seemingly known" could be viewed as the light of knowledge, but as I see it, those "ignorantly walking the path" think they know where they are going, so perhaps the light is hidden in the unexplored? Or maybe the light is a glaring, sterile light, and not such a good thing at all?
I'm sorry if I've left you with more questions than help, but I hope I gave you somethings to think about. Overall, again, I like the idea, and if you elaborate some it could be very good.
|| Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by mordrelaballe | [ Reply to This ] |