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    dots Submission Name: Enchantressdots

    Author: forestspirit
    ASL Info:    21/m/inside
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 58/45/27
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/Gothic
    Total Views: 1105
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1244


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    Sun setting on a bright new day
    Brightness fading into a dark alleyway
    The stranger walking away into the darkness
    Command all desires, focus on the empress

    The empress reining on your empire
    Roaming alone without a sire
    Stalking her prey by shadows of night
    Grasping for the kill in a flash of sight

    Smooth and swift, a ravishing blow
    Pin pricked precision, a continuous flow
    Crimson embrace in a moment of time
    Out of consciousness in the mind, sublime

    An eternity within a drop of curse
    Will to hold and secretly nurse
    Lover's touch and the moon may shine
    Pain and sorrow in a life combine

    She glides past the warmth, infallible lies
    Beckoning you to see the truth in those eyes
    A touch of frost, saying goodbye to life
    Peace with it all and the end of strife

    Clutching with claws sharp as blade
    Into a world of a fearful escapade
    She leads on to a flight of stairs
    Final words to the enchanted prayers

    "A beautiful madness in dark desire
    An enchantress swaying with the ceremonial fire"

    Submitted on 2006-08-08 14:11:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Maybe in "Crimson embrace in a moment off of time" you could instead say, "Crimson embrace in a moment of time" because it works out better with the meter. You definitely have a certain way with picking out the right kind of words for the feeling of your poem. Maybe I would cut it down a bit and take out some of the extra fluff, even though some of it is very nice! It would just make it easier to read, that's all!

    Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice additions to the original poem! My one critque would be that I believe "sorrow" would fit better in "Pain and sorry in a life combine" than "sorry." I would also probably omit "the" from the final line if it were me, but it's great regardless.
    | Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by mordrelaballe | [ Reply to This ]

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