The Suburb Down the Hill by charmedidentity

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Submission Name: The Suburb Down the Hill dots

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Author:	charmedidentity
ASL Info:	21/F/Canada
Elite Ratio:	7.19 - 814/801/346
Words:	160

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	223
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1062

Description:
This is about a guy who doesn't have much but what makes him a hero is the smallest thing he does makes a difference.
Tell me what you think.
~Irina

The Suburb Down the Hill dots

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In the suburb down the hill
Underneath the golden town
Lives a worker with his folks,
Lives a dream left unknown.
He’s familiar with all the tales
Of the lucky stars in the sky,
Chosen talents leave this life,
Others remain to struggle.

Dropping out of school
His dad couldn’t pay the bills,
His mom couldn’t stay sober,
His brothers jailed for drugs
His sisters couldn’t shut their legs;
The pressure became stronger.
He sees this in his household,
Hates every minute out of it
But knows it is happening.
He’s the last one in the family
Not doomed by the poverty cycle,
Sure that the bottom is the start.

In the suburb down the hill
Walking in the golden town
Lives a worker with his folks,
From scratch is building a dream.
He knows the money isn’t much
Yet he’s learning all he can
And smiles with all his heart
Knowing he is making a difference.

Submitted on 2006-08-08 14:17:49 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Very interesting and beautiful at the same time sweetie.. I found myself entranced from the very beginning by the simplicity of the story, yet it also holds deep meanings for all to interpret how they so choose.. I did see a few problems with mixing past and present tense that made me stumble through reading this extraordinary work and you also needed to choose whether you wanted it to rhyme or not or whether you were trying to use iempic pentameter or not.. That did make it a little confusing but i still adored the feel of the piece.. Wonderful job sweetie..
| Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by Maskannai | [ Reply to This ]
  In the suburb down the hill
Underneath the golden town
Lives a worker with his folks,
(With his dreams largely) unknown.
(He's familiar with) the tales
Of the lucky stars in the sky,
Chosen talents leave this life,
Others struggle (and remain).

(Dropping) out of school
His dad couldn’t pay the bills,
His mom couldn’t stay sober,
His brothers jailed for drugs
His sisters couldn’t shut their legs;
The pressure (became) stronger.
He (saw) this in his household,
(Hated every second of each day)
(For the madness that) was happening;
(As) the last one in the family
(He'd not be doomed to poverty),
Sure that the bottom is the start.

In the suburb down the hill
Walking in the golden town
Lives a worker with his folks,
(Building dreams from scratch).
He knows the money isn’t much
(Yet he's learning) all he can
And (smiling) with all his heart
Knowing he (will make) a difference.

Nicely written, Irina. I enjoy watching you grow as a writer of more mature themes willing to experiment with lineation and rhythm at the expense of rhyme. Of course, I've made a few tweaks to give you some idea of how to smooth the awkward sentence structure (but, as always, you may use these suggestions or discard them as you see fit).

Dreams are the coin of the realm, young lady. It's a privelege to watch you fulfill yours.

Take care.
Bill.
| Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this poem. The repitition of the first lines at the end really made my stomach drop-much like going down a steep hill to the suburbs...
The Hero archetype is apparent- (such as acts alone, etc).
Your message is good. Nice to see poets doing that instead of getting mired in negativity/ or narcississm.
Please keep writing!

-az
| Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by azure_warrior | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, i loved this piece for one reason, the sentiment behind the words.

i'm glad that you've had the opportunity to meet and be able to hold on to someone such as this. its a wonderful thing that most take for granted.

the world in which we live today is so materialistic and self centered, object-oriented that we at times overlook these fallen stars, and grab those ahnds extended from the one who have everything yet nothing at all, no aspirations, no goals, have never felt pain or who have become ignorant to it, only know of lust-never experienced true love, when what we need to do is to take the converses of the latter, set them on a platter and allow our fallen stars to eat-so they can once shine again...

and not burn eternally to fade, perhaps i shall write a poem to compliment this piece. i added this to my fav's list so ill remember your name. ill let you know when its completed.

cheers, thanks for the read and for inspiring me to write once more

merry meet and blessed be
Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-08-08 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]

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