Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: all the things this could bedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silent_death12
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739/805/135
    Words: 328
    Class/Type: Poetry/Fuck it all
    Total Views: 3634
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2172



    Description:
       idk i just felt like writing.....I am thinking this will end up just being a rough draft and I know it needs cleaned up a bit...
    peace


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsall the things this could bedots
    -------------------------------------------


    As reflections dance off pools of crimson,
    and eyes of grey notice only black and white...
    'cause reflected shadows seem so much alive-
    and contorted branches will no longer choose to hide,
    concealing so much in an inkwell of blood,
    the words we never had the chance to say,
    seem to always become the most important script.

    it's so much easier to treat the symptoms,
    then discover any genuine cure...
    and it's easier to hold onto a dream;
    if you know that it won't come true.

    And this our twisted lullaby,
    welcomes death to follow sleep.
    as death sings our favorite song,
    we sing along; eternally grateful.
    as we find comfort in love's requiem,
    living out three tales of broken fate.
    but still, before death we must wonder:
    would any of this matter,
    if it were lived out by someone else?
    think of all the things my words could be,
    if I were only telling another story?
    look at the colors you could see...
    if you believed in something more,
    then this diluted dream of black and white.

    those living in the shadows,
    still remember feeling the light-
    that led them there in the first place.
    and those that reside within that light,
    try to ignore the shadows it casts;
    but even the most ignorant people;
    can't see anything without some contrast.

    and in this sea of mortal prosaic belief,
    with value held in possessions and rituals,
    I hover within myself searching-
    but for what I don't know just yet.
    should I be looking for some tangible reason?
    something I might decide to hold on to...
    between the screaming heartbeats,
    and the whisper of greedy bloodshed
    I wonder if we were all born so jaded,
    and I think I"ve lost my reason...
    I fell from the grace you wished me into,
    and I believe i was meant to fall,
    but does losing all trust in life-
    mean putting faith in death?





    Submitted on 2006-08-08 22:29:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      okay *tries to get back into mindset*

    uhhhhhh *skims*


    'kay. here we go.


    "inkwell of blood"=amazing wordage


    and i like this:
    "but still, before death we must wonder:
    would any of this matter,
    if it were lived out by someone else?"
    -it kinda makes one wonder





    You know what word i love? :)
    "Jaded"


    The word just makes me smile


    it's such a pretty word.


    Not such a pretty word when used in some contexts, but i really like it :]

    not JADE. i hate that word (and the color)

    but...jaded....so pretty!


    okay, i think that's all i had to say :)



    Nice :]



    kthxbye!


    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2008-04-09 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      *grins*

    Mmk, forgive me for picking on such an old piece, but i do things like that so if you don't like it....get over it :]P





    okay, here goes:


    i generally think pieces like this are so cliché` and they piss me off, what with the "crimson blood and greyness" stuff.


    but this was really good!


    some of the phrases you used were just exciting :]P


    like:
    "As reflections dance off pools of crimson,
    and eyes of grey notice only black and white..."

    i actually pretty much liked the wording of the whole first stanza, but this is my fave.

    black&white is my fave color.


    and i like the "reflections dancing"

    no

    i love it

    it looks cool in my mind!

    oh my! i will finish this later! bbye!


    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2008-04-07 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't like it. I couldnt keep my head in it. Sorry, but I can't think of any feedback because there really is nothing wrong with it... there are just some poems out there that I just don't like...

    But now that I think about it, it is quite good, just hard for me to focus on it now, maybe I'll read it later when I am not so lost and re-comment, I'm sorry for all of this.

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-04-28 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      omg.. wow. its really descriptive and i havent read anythign this good in so long. wow. you are awesome. i really do want to read more by your becasue you rock hard a$$ and i love it. omg. you are amazing. this is perfecr. i know a lot of people willr elate if they read it all the wayt hrough. we do hold on to dreams that we know wont come true. its like in our own fantasy world that we want to believe in but. something that takes us out of our mind and away from where we are. like a false hope. believing in false dreams is soemthing everyone does. no one admits to themselves that it wont happen. only int he back of their head do they knwo. i really like this a lot. keep posting.




    heart
    tina
    | Posted on 2007-04-09 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I'm back and right away, i'm f.ucking blown away by this... The category kinda threw me off though, cause when its something like "f.uck it all" i got this feeling that it was going to be one of those, "been-there-done-that" kinda poems. but It wasn't and i'm happy i read it. I'm kinda happy anyway, dancing on the table cause i can go on again "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" ok, sorry, back to the poem. I loved it, I didn't just read this though, I was like immersed in the vivid images ur able to write out. Did i ever tell u that. Ur F.UCKING amazing at churning out image after brilliant image. Let me show u what I mean

    "As reflections dance off pools of crimson,"

    *stands up and yells at the sky* F.UCKING BRILLIANT!!!!!! I loved this line beyond all words. the image of reflections dancing off the pools of blood, ooooooo so morbid yet so goooooooood. Sorry, i'm getting excited over nothing. Ok, heres another genius line

    "concealing so much in an inkwell of blood"

    Brilliant, brilliant and even more f.ucking brilliant. I loved this image so much!!! an inkwell of blood..... this got me thinking a lot and reminds me of personal experiences, first, this kinda sounds like ur trying to say how sometimes life is so damn s.hitty and full of cutting that u feel as if ur writing out your life using blood instead of ink and a razor for a pen, Got me thinking very seriously about this. Dammit, dammit, this was so good, i loved it, sorry if i sound overexcited but after reading s.hit poems for the past couple days, and then coming across something this good, u just can't help but stomp on the floor and yell "I F.UCKING FOUND IT" Ok, there, I'm so adding this to my favs.
    Peace
    | Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      Jess
    I for one am not afraid of the Death you describe
    To most People death is the end but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it isnt
    Even if A Person dosent believe in God or the Eternal Life he has promised us they are still destined to Live forever
    If the aNegativity of Hell is their desire are they not doomed to live forever in the fires of hell
    I guess all im trying to say is it is ignorant for someone to believe this life is it and when we die its over
    Because no matter how you look at it life is never over
    You did a really great job with this and worded this exceptionally well
    Im Proud of You!!!!
    I am making this a favorite!!!!

    If you get a chance Jess Please check out my New write A Clean Clear Consciebce
    This write came out of nowhere and I really think you will like it
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      hum, wasnt expecting thing , I kinda came to your profile before poem and didnt expect sumthing this good from a thirteen year old girl , well lesson learned, I loved it, altho it could use tweaks as said before I think it is great and uses fairly good imagery.

    keep them coming, :)
    | Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, the first thing that i noticed was this, this is a beautiful piece, even if a draft, but here goes one thing that could help improve this piece.

    ***i already see its a longer write, ill see if you should shorten this here in a few
    ***and in the first stanza (well, throughout this piece) you could try this, your lines seem a bit over-extended when read aloud. somethings you've said as well for example "inkwell of blood" could've been said "Morrigan's Kiss"...an inkwell of Blood, and a more figurative inkwell of Blood. morrigan, the succubi-*smiles and nods* you picture that kiss *although it'd be quite HOT*, her lips parting, each crack, crease and crevice in them lined in Blood...etc etc etc. your passion is sacrificed to this goddess of the lost, soul as well...then in your next line...

    and contorted branches will no longer choose to hide,
    concealing so much in Morrigan's Kiss,
    the words we never had the chance to say,
    seem to always become the most important script*

    the meaning changes ever so slightly, or not at real really, but is amplified/magnified x 10, and leave your reader sitting there, staring, contemplating, making and fashioning their own Morrigan, or succubi to put in her place, giving them their own interpretation of the poem instead of feeding their ideas from your literal context *sighs*

    that also helped shorten the line. when lines seem over-extended even slightly in poetry to the reader, the emotion and mood that was set they r taken out of slightly, for they are aware that the lines seem irregular *damn critics*.

    also shorter lines add an acuteness and point to your writes that hit the very core of imagination with that spear of awed inspiration, leaving the reader/critic speechless at points. improves your writing as well, because instead of using three words to say something you couldve used two, its cramming more imagination and creativity into a more confined space. like cramming more flavor into mac n cheese, it tastes better right? *rubs tummy*

    OK...next.

    i also noticed there was quite a bit of rhetoric in this piece as well. removing rhetoric might make your poem look like an Ethiopian yes, but better that than a Ron Jeremy *ugh...cringes* it also helps w/the clarity. i do the same, and i'm still workin on it, have been for years. poets and critics alike will say 'wow that was...amazing' *because they don't know what in the hell were talkin about LOL or *i'm speechless, tears, amazing, simply brillian, call you Shakespeare, or some other unintelligent response*.

    you want them to tell you what they think, feel, believe, see, and what this poem means and symbolizes within their OWN lives and walks of Emotion.

    ok...next...
    btw, second stanza was absolutely flawless...but this line
    then discover any genuine cure...
    something is unsettling about this line, and idk what it is yet...i leave that to you.

    O O O! and next technique! in the third stanza, that twist in the beginning was WOW, but try this

    but still, before death we must wonder:
    would any of this matter,

    but still, before death must we wonder:
    would any of this matter,

    ***you catch what i did? that twist in the beginning and spins effect on my whole interpretation of this piece was great, but read those two, and tell me doesn't that just fugg Interpretation's whole world up? *smiles and nods*

    told you i'd show up, i don't wanna scare others away from commenting, but just give me a ring if u'd like more *smiles and hugs* excellent job

    merry meet and blessed be
    Loquacious Mind
    | Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm not quite sure what to say about this...I think I'll take this stanza by stanza and see what I get out of it...

    .......................................................................

    *As reflections dance off pools of crimson,
    and eyes of grey notice only black and white...
    'cause reflected shadows seem so much alive-
    and contorted branches will no longer choose to hide,
    concealing so much in an inkwell of blood,
    the words we never had the chance to say,
    seem to always become the most important script*

    (My favorite part in this stanza was towards the end where you said, 'the words we never had the chance to say, seem to always be the most important script'. That just really shocked me, not only because of your decription, or its truth, but of this underlying meaning in it. You chose the word script, of all words to choose from. Script, as in the lines of a play, something that has to be said, a cliché' or part of life. What that over-all meant for me was that everyone goes through a time like that at least once or twice in their life. Everyone loses someone, and so many words that you should have said are forever left un-said, and therefore un-heard. I liked that.)

    *it's so much easier to treat the symptoms,
    then discover any genuine cure...
    and it's easier to hold onto a dream;
    if you know that it won't come true*

    (Very raw and truthful. I liked the part about the symptoms and cure the most. There's two ways of looking at it, as far as I could see. One way is that it's about treating the crippling emotions you're feeling with a temporary crutch, but before long, that crutch will break and you move on to another 'treatment' for your symptom[s]. Kind of like young love, stay with a boyfriend for a little bit, he makes you happy, but then it's over with and you move on to another guy. But people keep going for these crutches instead of finding an overall cure, like finding the guy of your dreams that will stay by your side no mater what.
    Another way to look at it is medical wise. Doctors only seem to want to treat your symptoms, rather than cure them, because they get more cash out of you that way.
    As for the dream part, it reminded me of a myspace icon...not a totally bad thing, but I've seen an icon like it before that said almost the exact same thing, lol. But your words are very true on that subject, it's easier to hold on to something you know will never come true, trying to make it come true, than hold on to something that you're positive will come true, only to move onto another dream.)

    *And this our twisted lullaby,
    welcomes death to follow sleep.
    as death sings our favorite song,
    we sing along; eternally grateful.
    as we find comfort in love's requiem,
    living out three tales of broken fate.
    but still, before death we must wonder:
    would any of this matter,
    if it were lived out by someone else?
    think of all the things my words could be,
    if I were only telling another story?
    look at the colors you could see...
    if you believed in something more,
    then this diluted dream of black and white.*

    (Nice one. It's so much easier to lull yourself into the twisted song of death in which we fear, but once we hear it, it sounds so beautiful, does it not? And it probably would not matter as much if all of this was being experienced by someone other than ourselves, for we could never grasp the concept if it was so.)

    *those living in the shadows,
    still remember feeling the light-
    the led them there in the first place.
    and those that reside within the light,
    try to ignore the shadows it casts;
    but even the most ignorant people;
    can't see anything without some contrast*

    (okay, a few mistakes and suggestions here. I think that in your third line, first word, I think you meant 'they' or 'that' instead of 'the'. Also, I think you used light too much in too close of a proximity, so use another word for light by looking one up in the thesaraus.
    Otherwise, I pretty much agree with what you're saying, only I think that ignorant people can't see their own faults or anything that they do not wish to understand at all.)

    *and in this sea of mortal prosaic belief,
    with value held in possessions and rituals,
    I hover within myself searching-
    but for what I don't know just yet.
    should I be looking for some tangible reason?
    something I might decide to hold on to...
    between the screaming heartbeats,
    and the whisper of greedy bloodshed
    I wonder if we were all born so jaded,
    and I think I"ve lost my reason...
    I fell from the grace you wished me into,
    and I believe i was meant to fall,
    but does losing all trust in life-
    mean putting faith in death?*

    ( I think we're all born jaded, but eventually, some of us learn better and learn to me open minded and to see with clarity rather than with ignorance)

    ......................................................................

    Okay, great write, I throughouly enjoyed this one, please keep it up.

    *tox*
    | Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      Jess, how? What, when, where; how? What happened that you jumped from moderate novice to;...THIS!? This is amazing. I don't really think all that much on my writes to begin with, but; I should be learning from you now. Not the other way around. I can't believe you've grown so much in such a short amount of time; I'm flabbergasted and impressed! You're writes seem so deep and passionate, and you're alliteration is where I'd like mine to be! I"ve never seen anyone grow so expenentially in such a short period of time. And you are by all means diversifying your own style. Great, just [censored]in great!
    | Posted on 2006-08-19 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    113716

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    A bit of Pain written by teika5

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry