What a Pity, My Last Memories by His goth child

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Submission Name: What a Pity, My Last Memories dots

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Author:	His goth child
ASL Info:	15/male/Loserville
Elite Ratio:	3.29 - 82/79/45
Words:	54

Class/Type:	Poetry/Trapped
Total Views:	891
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	367

Description:
This is more of a Sylum, Torture Instution type of poem where the person may be exagerating due to partial loss of consciousness. But the description are very convincing to me.

What a Pity, My Last Memories dots

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The cold steel stains my skin
And the frozen air numbs my senses,
Rusted chains secure my position
And dimmed lights slur my vision,
Injected poison impares my judgement
As sinful purpose glares upon me,
And their lighted charts predict my fate,
What a pity
That these are to be,
My last memories

Submitted on 2006-08-08 23:23:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  OH MY GOD

Thanks all we have another fave!!

VERY GOOD!

Absolutly flawless, in my eyes at least.

Great, the owrld would be nothing without this poem. This arrangement in words is beautiful and so.... dark....

I think your sexy for writing such a good piece.

(Gahhhh... Im taken though.... )

necrotic
| Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, This is good... Damn good. I love this so much! Its short and to the point yet leaves a little to the reader's imagination and stuff. The descriptions are perfect for this kinda topic, dark and full of hoplessness. I love this line here

"And their lighted charts predict my fate"

This is really good. This like drops the bomb that the narrator isn't getting out, there is no escape, and I think that is what can scare a person the most outta everything. That was really good. The ending is a little well... its good but lacks that sort of kick. Like the narrator is just like "oh this sucks that its going to end like this for me". If I was given that fate, psh, I'd be kicking and screaming and twisting and squirming desperate for escape. I dunno, i just that that could be improved, but other than that, i still liked it, mostly because its so short but full of detail. I'm adding this to my favs. Peace
| Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this one, it was short and it was direct. The title definitely caught my attention, and the ending was perfect for your poem. I really could feel and imagine what you described in it, the word choice was appropiate and it felt really original.

Great job!

Keep writing.

XoXo
Gaby
| Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by Lost_Delirious | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good piece, the only suggestion I have is to take the "and" 's out of the beginning of the sentences, for instance... "The cold steel stains my skin, And the frozen air numbs my senses," I think it would sound better without it, that's just a personal writing tip I learned a while ago. Overall I enjoyed this piece very much, keep up the good work! :)

~Cris
| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.