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once my world


Author: od9.1.04
ASL Info:    15/f/oh
Elite Ratio:    1.68 - 18 /38 /19
Words: 101
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 771
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 689



Description:




once my world



there's something
that i have to say

i hope that you can
understand someday

we had our ups
we had our downs

you gave me smiles
you gave me frowns

we can't pretend
that we got along

we had our love
and we held on too long

this is hard
for me too

i hope you can see
that i still love you

you know
we should be apart

please remember
that you'll be in my heart

find that one
special girl

just remember that
once you were my world




Submitted on 2006-08-09 17:42:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I'm sure just about everyone has felt this way once in their lives. It's a good topic. I don't know why but it sort of sounds like the individual has died, and wants her lover to carry on, to find someone else, to mary and have a happy life even though she's gone. It would be interesting if you specified the cause of the "breakup". It also sounds like she thinks he could find better than her even though she really loved him. It was probably the lines "Find that one special girl" Very sad.

Aside from the theme, I like the rythm on this poem. Short stanzas. Althought, sometimes the rhythm seems a little off. Lets take this as an example:

"You know
we should be appart"

Maybe adding some adjectives to make some lines longer, or just reformating the way you separate the sentence in lines. My suggestion for this one would be:

"You surely know
We should be appart."

Something of that sort. Little details.

All in all, this is a great poem but if you polish it up it could sound even better. Thanks for sharing this. :)
| Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by xmichellex | [ Reply to This ]
  awww.sad and sweet. i feel like this alot.you had one error that i saw first line. sumthing should be something.

well done, jenn
| Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by bbcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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