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Shelby


Author: manicsmuse
ASL Info:    28
Elite Ratio:    3.69 - 146 /161 /55
Words: 76
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 984
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 514



Description:


A freind who is addicted, beyond addicted. Forerver mutated to a ghastly mirage of herself.. Sadness overwhelms me now.....


Shelby




Oh Shelby
I can hear you
Yesterday-
I long to hear the laugh
And rolling giggle
That threw us both sailing
To the floor-
Please Shelby,
Come home.

Everyone would smile
And we would lie-
We would hold you
Never ask why:

But that in itself is the lie
For I hunger for a reason,
Lack the depth to really see
Why did you not
Turn out just like me?
Oh Shebly, Please...




Submitted on 2006-08-09 22:07:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  This touched me deep down. I too, had a friend I lost to drugs and I too, wondered the same thing. There is nothing I would change about this. It made an impact just how it stands.


Swanne
| Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh Shelby.
I can hear you.
Yesterday.
I long to hear the laugh.
The rolling giggle
that threw us both sailing
to the floor.
Please Shelby,
come home.
Everyone would smile and
we would lie.
We would hold you
never ask why.
But that in itself is the lie.
For I hunger for a reason.
Lack the depth to really see.
Why you did not turn out just like me.
Oh Shebly....please
***another wow. startin a trend of being Loquacious I see .

i see what you meant about raw emotion now. but i did have one gripe, the punctuation...*shakes head*.

it was the periods, here, check this out...

Oh Shelby
I can hear you
Yesterday-
I long to hear the laugh
And rolling giggle
That threw us both sailing
To the floor-
Please Shelby,
Come home.

Everyone would smile
And we would lie-
We would hold you
Never ask why:

But that in itself is the lie
For I hunger for a reason,
Lack the depth to really see
Why did you not
Turn out just like me?
Oh Shebly, Please...

A bit easier on the eyes, the subconscious aesthetic factor of this piece as well, and doesn't sound as choppy when read aloud, it flows. i added colons to indicate Never ask why and that whole stanza as an implied question, and the stanza following as the answer, semicolons to separate thoughts which led to another puzzle piece of this, and a question mark in the second to last line, switched did and you around to turn this into one milling question, because before you and did was in the tense of Explanation, but you didn't have one, it was as though a child at the debate competition was trying to explain why he called out of turn, and now its liek you're standing there in front of that spot where you used to roll and giggle, tracing that question into the hardwood floor with your tears mingled with what scent of her was left...posing this question.

the dashes indicate where you could've ended a sentence and started a new one, and indicates the same to the reader w/o confusing them.

periods in poetry indicate the end of a stanza or a poem, or a whole thought, when this was one continuous flow of emotion, you wouldn't want to end this more than twice.

and in the last stanza also i switched the elipse around to give this piece a more haunting and lingering feel to it when read aloud, emphatically capitalized Please as though you were tugging at the back of her shirt asking with the last thread of will inside you could muster as she drifted off into the arms of Abadon...

*sighs*. another fave i suppose. i look forward to reading more of this caliber from you here in the near future.

Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-08-10 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]


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