Description: i really didnt want to post this or show it to anyone but someone i respect asked me to post it so... here it is...
it doesnt feel coherrant to me... i couldnt say any of this out loud last night and writing it was even harder... yup...
rumours of change -------------------------------------------
[i think]
i should be more
[b-r-o-k-e-n]
but i dont know
why
sun chasing the moon
reflecting the sun
thoughts circling and circling
with nowhere to go
like a butterfly trapped in a jar
like a church bell benediction
that resonates long after being struck
[i think]
i should be more
[beautiful]
but i dont know
how
sun chasing the moon
chasing the sun
there's no subject to change yet
only rumours of one
out right beauty so broken
though indirectly of course
You never made another suggestion so I looked into your list and read a few and decided to comment on this one. I do love the way you 'place' words in brackets or add dashes to better illustrate the meaning of the word.
I don't know why, but I think the second chase should be "sun chasing the moon catching the sun" or something like that, not just the two chasing each other.
By the way, did you know that the Sun and the Moon are both visible together during approximately half of the days of the month? But no one has ever seen them together at night! (Kind of makes you wonder doesn’t it)
I too enjoy manipulating words to enhance my poetry and I am trying to find ways to make the reader 'Hear' the poem too. "Hen House Rap was one of those audio-visual experiments.
Hey, the Grape says he appreciates your concern, but you'll have to wait ‘til tomorrow for more.
I think you have made the right choice in posting this online. Not only do you free free yourself from any worries when you wrote this and what you thought when you wrote this but also you give others insight on the readers life... I took your words to heart from your point of view but also i got to examine my own life through your words. There are things that i am still unclear of and although i didn't pay attention to it right away, it brought me to some understanding of myself when i read this.
Anyhow, you don't get tempted not to show your emotions here on ES...We're all here for you despite what you might think.... Don't change a thing and keep posting.... Take care.... ~Irina
Let me also say that I love this, and add another WOW! to the collection. There is a beauty to this, in how it reads, how it develops, and how it ends. There is internal questioning going on here. Alia pulled a few lines that demonstrate this, but also look at what is left behind in those strophes:
"i should be more but i dont know why"
"i should be more but i dont know how"
We're talking self-esteem here, questioning the Id. Two words are focused on: "b-r-o-k-e-n (I question the use of dashes. Are they necessary? What do they add? "broken" is obvious, no need to hammer it home) and "beautiful." But before we analyze those stanzas I ask, "Why no apostrophes in 'dont?'"
Broken - I read this as time passing, "Sun chasing moon" etc. and then internal thinking "thoughts circling and circling / with nowhere to go" and then two similes "like a butterfly trapped in a jar" ( which works wonderfully, a thing of beauty (foreshadowing)circling with nowhere to go ) and "a church bell benediction / that resonates long after being struck". This is where I feel some improvement could be made. I don't see a thing of beauty, circling (though resonates attempts to capture this) with nowhere to go. I think a more human comparison is needed, something not material. It should be some human thing trapped somewhere without release. A trite, sappy, example would be "a song in the shower", but maybe it draws out my point. A human thing of beauty, trapped without hope. I feel this will amplify the internal struggle being waged.
Beautiful - Now we're questioning our beauty. Again a passage of time. Then "There's no subject to change yet." Now, although this is a great twist on a phrase, I don't see the power in it to carry this strophe about beauty. There is a bit about change, but that's all. When I saw the word "subject" I thought about fine art, a metaphor for beauty, and wondered " There's no model to paint yet"? This adds a powerful reference to beauty. In the first strophe we ended in two similes, I think that would help here. "out right (shouldn't it be 'outright'?") beauty so broken / though indirectly of course" adds nothing to the culmination of this piece. In fact I have trouble getting meaning from it. I suggest a couple of similes about "broken beauty", maybe in the form of abstract art There is no model yet, so they paint mental images in the abstract, thus "broken beauty." I hope I'm making sense here. You might say,'like outright beauty is broken by_____" ( some famous abstract artist, say Dali.) or splattered by _______(let's say Pollock). Something along those lines. And then I believe this poem becomes more powerful, more complete.
And all this leads to that wonderful concluding strophe that fades away and leaves us wanting more, knowing we've been entertained and dealt a powerful lesson. I love it!
Wow Jaydee, I love this. The flow to me was amazing and it just went togethet connecting the sun and moon to yourself and how others see you and you want to be.
If its not asking too much, can I ask why this was hard for you to say?
ok so I really loved this piece and yet again I read something of yours and found myself writing something. Jaydee your writing as of late has been inspirational for me! I don;t really know what I think of the piece I wrote so I am gonna om it to you. this piece isa kick in the pants in a good way and Im gonna chew it over a bit more and give you a better responce
I think brokenness is beautifull. I have the word broken tatooed on my leg. I dont know if I told you that before or not. Anyways. It was the first tat I got. I got it when I was like 18 and it is all faded now. Im gonna get it touched up eventually but anyways.
I definitly feel this IS coherent. Sometimes when you write something personal you are to close to it to get a good feel on it. This IS coherent, and very much so, and more than that.
I love the poem the parinthesis make too, as SOB pointed out already.
I love the way you start this. Such a great statement. I think I should be more broken but I dont know why. So telling too.
Its like (to me) knowing your not what you should/could be, not being satisfied with yourself as you are but not maybe knowing why or how to be different then exactly what you are.
And it is such a haunting feeling, such an echoeing thought
be more moremoremoremoremoemore more more...
wow. yup. loved it. You actually just inspired a poem for me. It popped into my head as I read this. I started writting it before I typed this comment. I am going to use a line from this in it. I am going to finish it right now. Hopefully. This may be one of those ones that I get half done and never finish too. Will see. Thought you should know though. I am glad you posted this.
that bob dylan once wrote "a poem is a naked person" and this seems one shaking with unease whispering in a moonsilver room cracked and starry wet eyes staring through intimacy and it's like the awkwardness of reading an old friend's diary and recognising more of yourself than you'd wish was there and just wanting to cry and really hug them but distance and time has slipped between the lines and you want to leave but the gaze holds and reflects you.
as mentioned before - thank you for posting this. it felt as though i had a breif understanding of why my life was falling apart - for a moment, after i read this. but i needed abit more time to let it sink in before i commented. basically i guess all i wanted to say was that i loved this.
[i think] i should be more [b-r-o-k-e-n] but i dont know why
the brackets are a perfect strategy used to inflict pause and thought and emotion. it draws me in.. you know. the magic of poetry is truely, to see through the poets eyes - to feel and connect.
so many times i've noticed when i read poetry is that i stumble over it. i know i can't blame the poet.. it's just the way my mind functions, i guess. i feel as though your style kind of coaxes in a way but leaving the necessary gap open to "fill in the blank" i guess you could say. sun chasing the moon reflecting the sun
the moon reflecting the sun chasing the stars.. and on and on and on.. there's so many ways you could read this.
about the preceeding lines.. i feel as though the "church bells" have quite a significance. a "trapped butterfly" - i don't know. i just feel as though something tramatic has happened.
i'm quite glad you did post this by the way. i feel as though it is a form of healing. the beginning of a rennaisance - as some might describe.
i know i've read pretty much the majority of your writing.. but i just feel like this is one that is - abit more set apart by intimacy.
i do not know why you did not want to post it in the first place, feelings of insecurity maybe or feelings that you of all people should not be thinking like this or feeling like this since you know what the truth is.? all the same, it had wonderful flow, the choruses were nice especially the first one, this one
[i think] i should be more [b-r-o-k-e-n] but i dont know why
the breaking up of broken really brings it to life i think. however i sense a sadness in it, oh sadness... from here i am thinking that when you were writing it, something intense must have been going through your mind.
Hi, Well, you’re right. It doesn’t sound coherent, and frankly, it shouldn’t. The thought expressed here is that of someone lacking confidence – I should be this, I should be that. This is insecurity, and the voice and style here are correct. Also, while I usually nit-pick punctuation, your lack of same is exactly correct – the style matches the message. One nit: in stanza 4, I believe “out right” should be a single word. I might also suggest for the end of S2, “long after striking”. I think “being” weakens both idea and meter, and the technically incorrect transitive would be easily understood (poetic license). And your friend is right. I’m glad you posted it. fred
well I'm glad you decided to post this. I find this quite interresting .. a quite sort of open and vulnerable poem rather than the ..strong cynical one I read before.
what I particularly like about this poem is the bracketing of think and the breaking up of words in the first stanza .. I was wondering if you would consider doing more of that .. play around with breaking up words and positioning them around the place .. for instance .. one thing that popped to mind was beautiful .. beauti-full ..or maybe beauty-full which has a slightly different connotation .. or association I think than the word beautiful .. I would love to see you have a go .. either with this poem or a new one .. with more breaking up and word play ..
the sun chasing the moon reflecting the sun is a brilliant image .. not so sure about your later more standard sun chasing the moon chasing the sun thing .. still works though ..
An interesting piece and interesting thought behind it.
You mention in the description that it seems incoherent and it does, but that's exactly it's charm. You somehow captured the incoherence of "that melancholy feeling". The feeling that you somehow should be better, stronger, prettier than you are, that can be so strong and yet at the same time, so intangible.
The bracketed words contrast with the non-bracketed words very well (although I think the words are strong enough to stand without the brackets). The larger stanzas speak of time passing, the sun, the moon, the sun, the moon..., thoughts circling, no subject to change. Life goes on around you and in you, but today seems just like yesterday.
The smaller stanzas speak of your insecurities. You feel like you should be more this, more that, even more something that you can't define. You just feel something lacking overall.
The poem is really good and it's going in the faves list.
Maybe it's grabbing me so much, because I feel the same feelings myself. I'm 41 and I'm honestly almost exactly where I was 7-8 years ago. I have the same loving wife, the same loving family, the same job (at almost the same exact pay), the same minuscule bank account and bills to pay. I have nothing to complain about, and I'm content, but sometimes it seems like I should be farther along, more money, more style, more confidence.
Maybe the important thing is that you've managed to put into words insecurities that we all share.
Very powerful. I read this like 8 times, and I really don't know what to say. I think I understand why you didn't want to share it, but I am just glad that you did. I have several interpretations of this but I won't bore you with them. I found this very meaningful and enjoyed reading it the many times that I did.
Submission Name: rumours of change
