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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shattered Slavedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: giventofly
    ASL Info:    19/M/Seattle, Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 74/75/27
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 108
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1130



    Description:
       This is a story of someone who was very close to me, and the odyssey that her death sent me on. The message is complex and rather personal, so don't expect to understand everything. With that being said, any advice would not be without my appreciation.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShattered Slavedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tragedy takes the highway
    and arrives too soon
    to it’s dire destination.
    She kills with her eyes,
    yet she’ll never see it.

    She stays her hand all too often
    and never frees the unwanted slave.
    What’s he left to do,
    or lose,
    once she’s landed in her sheol?

    So he sits and waits,
    broken as the pottery
    with which to scrape the sores…
    The tears,
    coursing like ichor
    from some wicked wound,
    burst in the dust
    with his fallen intentions.

    An idle thing, this shattered slave,
    pasting her face to the next passerby
    was never enough.
    She didn’t exist
    to quell the silent sunsets.
    They warmed and soothed
    those ones in the past…
    While the fire refused to kill.

    And as he prays, this lie lives on
    with his neck shackled still.
    All the while her perfection, consumed
    in crimes against that one
    she answered to, fades
    with a photograph.

    …and he still knows not what he’ll say.




    Submitted on 2006-08-10 21:42:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The sorrow that this intones is so intense that I can not swim through it. It is tragic when someone so close dies. I know that I could never understand fully the way others grieve. It is a very personal process. I always found that writing helped when I mourned.

    "The tears,
    coursing like ichor
    from some wicked wound,
    burst in the dust
    with his fallen intentions."

    That part was wonderful. I loved the picture it formed. It also draws me in to wonder what exactly you intended, but that of course is between yourself and the deceased. Your language through the entire thing is so strong. It makes it all the more intrancing to read and I admit I had to look up the word "Sheol". I had never heard it before. Thank you for the vocab lesson.

    I thank you for sharing with me. I really enjoyed reading your writing.

    Briannan
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
      
    She didn’t exist
    to quell the silent sunsets.
    They warmed and soothed
    those ones in the past…
    While the fire refused to kill.

    This was my favorite part. "to quell the silent sunsets" I found peticularly pleasing. and "while the fire refused to kill."

    Some of your language is slightly akward
    like

    "…and he still knows not what he’ll say"

    Its more poetic, I suppose, then how it would normally be said- he still does not know what he'll say- but it reads akwardly. Sorry, I dont have any good sugjestions.

    She stays her hand all too often

    I also found this line akward. the all is superfluous- I like too often she stays her hand - better myself but just removing the all is better I think.

    You have some good parts though, it was an interesting read, just need to be tightened up a bit.
    | Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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