Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Better to be brokendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1045
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1005



    Description:
       ok so I wrote this after Reading "Rumor of A change" by someones epiphany. and I am posting it at her suggestion. However I think it needs some touching up and I will get to that at a later date.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetter to be brokendots
    -------------------------------------------


    [they tell you]
    Darling your
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    and they'll tell
    you why


    always chasing
    faded dreams
    there ain't no yellow brick
    and Toto's six feet
    under your backyard
    silly little day dreams
    can't fix the unsound mind


    [but I think]
    I should tell you
    [you're beautiful]
    but I don't know
    how


    b-efore you run away
    r-emeber how to dream
    o-r you will fade
    k-ill the demons of the day
    e-nd the charade
    n-ever look back

    [they told you]
    darling you're
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    but they're jealous


    it is in their eyes
    bitterness
    and lies
    let me tell you what
    you are beautiful

    so if that means
    you are broken
    than I'll look
    for the damage every time




    Submitted on 2006-08-11 11:22:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      like i said... this is stunning
    it feels worlds away from what i wrote and i do still wish i could have written this one...
    its just so beautifully raw and yet guarded at the same time... protective...

    sigh

    [they tell you]
    Darling your
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    and they'll tell
    you why

    they...
    i always hated they...
    you know the movie conspiracy theory with mel gibson and hes like "they they they" and julia roberts asks who "they" are and hes like " no one knows who "they" are... if someone did then "they" wouldnt be doing their job proply" or something like that...
    i always hated they...
    i once wrote a piece that had a line something like
    "they tell you your beautiful but then... they tell you a lot of things"
    anyways...
    what right do they have to tell you you are broken?
    shouldnt that come from someone who loves you if indeed you need to hear it...?
    damn they!

    always chasing
    faded dreams
    there ain't no yellow brick
    and Toto's six feet
    under your backyard
    silly little day dreams
    can't fix the unsound mind

    i guess you always gotta chase something...
    this stanza makes me sad... i guess its sposed to but well... being the wizard of oz fan i am (i quote that movie ALL the time... never in context and always in the weirdest situations but quote it all the same) the idea of there being no yellow brick road makes me think theres no place like home but home doesnt exist... or if it does theres no way to find it...
    and totos dead so he cant come back...

    [but I think]
    I should tell you
    [you're beautiful]
    but I don't know
    how

    not only does this feed into the first stanza well but it also plays into the idea of fizing unsound minds... almost as if you think telling her shes beautiful would help her sanity somehow... i think thats a wonderful idea right there...
    i like the uncertainty of this...
    i think i should tell you...
    theres some kind of compulsion there but theres no idea on how to follow through with it...
    you seen the movie empire records? one of my all time favourites... anyways... theres this dude AJ who wants to tell this girl he loves her and so he tells his boss "today is the day im gonna tell her i love her... by 12 or 1... by 1:37 exactly im gonna tell her i... uh... i uh... im gonna tell her i..." then the boss is like "you love her" and AJs like "yeah... now how do i do that?!" and the boss is like "you tell you "i love you"".... always struck me as a very useless suggestion and i feel thats the same way the narrative voice of this piece would feel too given that suggestion...
    the only solid fact of this stanza is that she is beautiful... thats the only certainty... everything else feels so lost and hazy which i think amplifies her beauty...

    b-efore you run away
    r-emeber how to dream
    o-r you will fade
    k-ill the demons of the day
    e-nd the charade
    n-ever look back

    this would have to be THE best acronym ive ever read and the way you employ it is stunning.. i really have nothing to say about it... its amazing.

    [they told you]
    darling you're
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    but they're jealous

    now see... if thats not reason enough to hate they then i dont know what is...
    why do we always listen to and allow ourselves to be controlled by they?
    why do we listen to their lies and call them truth...?
    i like this...
    if one didnt read any further they could think that "they" are jealous BECAUSE she is broken and well... there is such beauty in brokeness that jealousy could be well understood... it really could.

    it is in their eyes
    bitterness
    and lies
    let me tell you what
    you are beautiful

    i like this...
    the narrative voice is getting some brave...
    its kinda like (back to empire records) when AJ is on the roof trying to work out how to tell his girl he loves her... hes like "you know that feeling when you get out of a warm bath and you feel all relaxed and... you make me feel like a bath!?" haha... the stanza preceeding this one and the first three lines are practice runs for the "let me tell you what... you are beautiful"
    i love it! i really do!

    so if that means
    you are broken
    than I'll look
    for the damage every time

    this is clearly what makes the piece john...
    the idea that whether she is broken or not she is still beautiful...
    the idea that whether or not she is broken he still loves her...
    the reinforcement that broken is beautiful
    that she shouldnt take their lies of broken as a bad thing...

    ugh!
    see... i REALLY like this piece...
    while i can see vague remnants of ideas from mine this is completely more stunning than mine worked out to be... your girl is a really lucky girl to have you...
    this is stunning john... absolutely stunning
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is fantastic. I agree with the following comments, and I would like to take out the same pieces that they did and compliment them loads but those are the ones I want to touch up on. I can't find anything wrong with this piece either, but I don't feel guilty flattering it.
    This is a magnificent piece of work in it's originality and in it's wording.
    I'd have to say that my favorite part is the ending.

    so if that means
    you are broken
    than I'll look
    for the damage every time

    It's beautiful.
    I'm in love with it.
    | Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by Venus | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, ive never really seen any like these. always wanted to write one, but never seen it. ive always been jelous of people like you and someones epiphany. you guys seem to be able to write so well, and all ive produced is the usually teen stuff. i wish i could wirte like this. there are so many meanings, and you put together the lines so well.

    [they tell you]
    Darling your
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    and they'll tell
    you why

    [but I think]
    I should tell you
    [you're beautiful]
    but I don't know
    how

    this part was cool, and also how you took [b-r-o-k-e-n] and did an acrostic poem with it. i love htose, not the dumb ones they have you do in school where you take your name and put discripeive words in it, but the ones that mean something.

    b-efore you run away
    r-emeber how to dream
    o-r you will fade
    k-ill the demons of the day
    e-nd the charade
    n-ever look back

    this was one of my favorate parts. how did you come up with it? sorry all im giving is praise...but i cant find any thing really wrong with this piece. the edits you were planning, did you already do them? the words flow together, and i agree with Loquacious Mind that changing too much might ruin the hidden meanings. i dont kow...some of them i didnt get, but at the same time i could feel the meanings. great job. ~Nichole
    | Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by butterfly_chi5 | [ Reply to This ]
      [they tell you]
    Darling your
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    and they'll tell
    you why

    [but I think]
    I should tell you
    [you're beautiful]
    but I don't know
    how

    They tell you broken, but i think you're beautiful...wow. that played well into the thrid stanza from the first. if you remove the unencapsulated lines from the third stanza, and reread-the poems meaning is altered ever so much.

    b-efore you run away
    r-emeber how to dream
    o-r you will fade
    k-ill the demons of the day
    e-nd the charade
    n-ever look back
    heh, i thought this was nice as well, the idea wasn't original-but its employment was to a certain extent, which is why this is going on my fave's list, and i must read some of your other works. i'm surprised this hasn't recieved a critique yet.

    now you said there were some things you wished to edit. i apologize for not being able to offer anything in that sector. i'm not too familiar w/this style, although simplistic in appearance, there are underlying workings that if i were to offer a suggestion to change something could completely alter the meaning of this piece.
    Better to be broken

    [they tell you]
    Darling your
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    and they'll tell
    you why

    [they told you]
    darling you're
    [b-r-o-k-e-n]
    but they're jealous
    i just loved the way you played off of these two lines as chords on the harp and reamined consistent w/the theme throughout this piece.

    yeah, a definite fav, but i will be skimming your other works ina few.

    great job, merry meet and blessed be
    Loquacious Mind
    | Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved it. There's not really much else I can say. I love how you incorporated the Wizard of Oz into it and everything. I'll have to read more of your work most definitely.

    I think what did it for me was the incorporation of the diferent lines in which the first letter spelled broken. It just kind of stood out ( I know it was supposed to ). But, the ending was so sweet in itself too. I hope I find somebody that will say something like tha to me someday. It kind of brought me a ray of hope. People always tell me I'm broken and will probably never be fixed so.

    Heh.

    BCute
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    114020

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Outlaw
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry