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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: HOLD ON!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 202
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 965
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1528



    Description:
       each time my ex lover and i see eachother i can see something that i miss so much... it seems that she's holding it back, but i still can see it... idk if it my own ambitions, or if it really is her love she once showed me?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHOLD ON!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    (speaking softly)am i dreaming?
    are you leaving?
    or is it that your already gone?(end)

    why is it?
    that i can't be...
    with you...

    when we promse...
    that we'd be together...
    forever...

    i hear you,
    and your one lie,

    i miss you,
    so i cry,

    i miss you,
    i wish you'd

    *chorus*
    hold-on!
    to that loved we had...
    for it was,
    so-strong!
    charish the moments we shared...
    they were,
    so-long!

    (end)

    those eyes speak the truth,
    everytime they glance at me,

    it's you feelings your hiding,
    everytime you look at me,

    i can see it in your eyes,
    the strugle i reconize,

    your trying so hard,
    to hold back and not to...

    *chorus*
    hold-on!
    to that loved we had...
    for it was,
    so-strong!
    charish the moments we shared...
    they were,
    so-long!

    i can see you want to...

    hold-on!
    to that loved we had...
    for it was,
    so-strong!
    charish the moments we shared...
    they were...
    the best things that we had!

    so i will go on,
    wishing you were by myside,

    hopeing for this dream,
    just to come true,

    i await those words,
    i love you...




    Submitted on 2006-08-11 21:25:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      heh heh, and you say that my poetry is superior to anythign you ever could write *shakes finger*. i wish i could write in this style u used here.

    its just so light in appearance, and when reading, its not overencumbered in complex vocab-but is rather simple and understandable, as not to be misinterpreted.

    *sighs again* i did have a few gripes.

    i felt that the title might not have been as fitting as it should.

    just my opinion. and secondly, this piece was well formed, and i know this cliché is overused over-much, but there's a diamond in the rough here, it just needs some organization and help with punctuation.

    because of the aesthetics and form in styling u used, this piece was written-and in appearance seems light, which carries over into the undertones and affect this piece has on the reader throughout the read.

    but the punctuation, so many commas and semicolons, and the elipses...those are meant to lead into another thought, ie one person speaks, and another speaks the continued thoughts of the first, or to lead into something.

    why is it?
    that i can't be...
    with you...

    when we promse...
    that we'd be together...
    forever...
    i understand this was more of a song, and the elipses were meant to indicate a pause and stress the holding of a certain note or word at the end of each sentence, and to give a drifting feeling to this write, but try this...

    Why is it
    That I can't be
    With you-

    When we promse
    That we would Be
    Forever?
    i removed the question mark first off, because your question carried on til the end of the sixth line, the 3rd line 1st stanza what a break in that question on to another facet of that same thought yes, but the question nonetheless ended on the 6th line, so i put it there.

    since this piece was light, and really had 4 or less words per stanza in parts, i capitalized the beginning of each line to give them volume, and not seem as though these lines were missing something to the reader's subconscious.

    the elipses were removed, for since...

    (speaking softly)am i dreaming?
    are you leaving?
    or is it that your already gone?(end)

    *****YOU START OFF HEAVY, MEANING YOUR LINES WERE ELONGATED IN THE INTRO TO THIS

    why is it?
    that i can't be...
    with you...

    when we promse...
    that we'd be together...
    forever...

    *****YOU GO LIGHT, WITH LESS WORDS PER LINE

    i hear you,
    and your one lie,

    i miss you,
    so i cry,

    i miss you,
    i wish you'd

    *****AND EVEN LIGHTER

    *chorus*
    hold-on!
    to that loved we had...
    for it was,
    so-strong!
    charish the moments we shared...
    they were,
    so-long!

    *****AND BACK TO A LIGHT HEAVY MODE HERE, WITH MROE WORD CONCENTRATION

    the styling you used for this piece in other words ALREADY has the inherent effect of causing the reader to catch the tempo in the beginning, slow down after the intro because the word concentration per line was reduced drastically, and SUBCONSCIOUSLY add in those emphatical pauses where needed.

    then you moved back to a light-heavy mode in the chorus, where they can pick the tempo back up.

    also to removal of those elipses gives a open-spatial feel, a void to those lines, even moreso highlighting that emotional void stated and voiced in those lines...highlights the meaning and undertone so your reader can be like (this kids nice he put the effort into this write to create and set that mood )

    like i said just some things i saw, and i didn't mean to belittle your work, that wasn't my intent, id just love to see this piece shine a bit more than it already has .

    ill be checking out some mroe of your works here soon k? alright then...

    merry meet and blessed be
    Loquacious Mind
    | Posted on 2006-08-12 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very well written. I could hear it playing in my head. I could feel the yearning the was so very well portrayed in this poem. I thought it was very sweet and loving. The feeling of being loved is always nice. I am sorry though that you have to yearn to hear those words. But hey the yearning brought on some great lyrics! Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

    Sweet Blood Vampire
    | Posted on 2006-08-11 00:00:00 | by SweetX_XBlood | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



    114115

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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