I can see it
I can see it in my head
as I put the pen to paper I feel a frostic shard shatter my heart
fighting to just let it free
the sensation through my legs
like a thousand stakes of flame tearing tendons
decapitated by fear
squirming like a headless chicken
move... I feel a high pitch ringing my ears
I’m in my room numbed by fear
defend by the shrieks of my pain
a sense of confusion
of how this happened
as the violin of sins plays
I feel this god forsaken reality drifting into the cosmos
I hear the call
its my time.... to say good bye
I personally feel apathetic as to your theme, and the one grammar misfit that really threw me off was .d.defend which should be deafened but otherwise is was alright. The one analogy I liked the most of was the burning legiments, because that's actually a disease... a classical tragedy if you ask me. I, personally have come a few millionth of a meter away from suicide - the underlying circumstances required a full heartfelt commitment which I was exagerating in a hopelessly romantic sense... And gee, it wasn't this bad; it was a lot worse. But of course, the beauty in simplicity is that is leaves room for adversity, or what is left in the wake thereof, when it comes to your opinion and interpretation. Anyhow, this is feeling like another useless, and garrulous comment, so: Yours truely!
This is a unique style all your own and the words portray your crappy feeeling, Not everyone can understand suicide nor why asomeone might want tto kill themsselves, But I know there is alot of people that do and have succeeded in it as well, For me this write was missing something can't quite say whgat but it is.
I hope that you will rewrite this one one day when you are not in a crapopy mood, I am the same can't say I liked it but can't say I didn't either.
Everyone thinks their poetry is crappy, and that's probably healthy. This was G-R-E-A-T ! I liked a few particular things about this. Firstly, there are thousands of 'depressing' writes on this site and yet you managed to remain original and sound very realistic. Second, I liked how you wrote in present tense, and as though you were saying it to someone. And third, this was pretty descriptive. The only two things I would suggest you improve would be the flow; which changed levels a little too often, and the punctuation which would make this easier for the reader; and possibly fix up the flow problem. Overall, I enjoyed reading this greatly
I like it. I disagree with those who said it lacks descriptions. It's descriptive, but still leaves room for people to relate in different ways. You know? In my opinion, the best poetry is the kind that just comes out, without the writer trying to make sure it's "perfect." There's something very natural about this, and thats awesome.
"as the violin of sins plays"
I think thats my favorite part. I really love that line.
And on the bright side, at least feeling crappy inspires nice poetry
i think i get it, your writing about, writing about suicide.this poem is not bad, just misunderstood.this is your poem and wether they get it or not its your feelings that are put into it so it's not always important that your readers get it.as long as you understand why you wrote it.and it's the reason for commenting is not for telling the writer 'i don't get it make so i can understand it.all in all this poem can staight from the heat. also if you say its finished, your thoughts finished flowing for that moment, meaning it's finished it isn't undone it's complete to your saticfaction.
just me thinking for ya and those who don't get it Jenn
i liked it but the tittle and poem don't fit..the tittle is miss leading in the fact that your work doesn't do justice to the subject at hand...your poem seems unfinnished...where's all the deep struggling heart broken feelings and descriptions? honey this isn't using all your ability and thats too bad...
Ok, I won't say I hated it, but I won't say I liked it. It was just really neutral for me. It didn't even do anything for me. But then again, it could have been the numbfeeling that doesn't get across to anyone when they're trying or going to kill themselves. I'm not sure, but this was really lacking something, try working on it a bit, it has some potential.
I can tell you felt crappy when you wrote it. Besides a few spelling and grammar stuff, I loved it. I mean I think that it is great that you are able to get your emotions out on paper like this. That means that you're not so far down that you have shut down.
Don't feel the need to comment on my work I'm trying to get to +30 I'd taken a leave from the site for a while and now I'm back to get my reciprocation up. So, don't feel like you have to comment back. I'm just doing everyone a favor. Thanks for the read!