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The narrative begins to crumble
And the heroine can no longer continue.
The author’s words no longer hold the potential
To bestow life on her hollow outline.
He was such a talented poet
With the ability to spin mere words
Into sheets of silken gold.
And she waited and waited and waited
For someone to rescue her from Imagination.
The sky cracked and smiled at her
On the day he arrived to slay her keeper.
She was perfect for art
As she embodied poetry
And all things magical about words.
He slew Imagination and she took on Critics.
Together they were simply immortal.
Until the day his narrative broke down
And she could no longer continue.
| I like this! Kind of a story, with three characters, one of which is "Imagination" (that's cool), another "the heroine" is not real (again, way cool), and the third is the narrator/author. Great premise to build on, a place we, here, know all too well. You say raw, so I have several suggestions:|
S1 - L1 Add the word "author's" before narrative. L2 Change "And the" to "His." L3 Begin with "Words."
S2 - L1 Change "was" to "is" and drop "such." L2 Drop "mere words." L3 Drop "into."
S3 - L1 Drop "and" and "and waited and waited" Add ". . . waited"
"She waited. . .waited"
S4 - L2 Change "as she embodied" to "The embodiment of"
S5 - L1 Drop "He slew." After "Imagination" add "was slain." L2 Drop "simply."
Now, I hope these help. Use what you will, dispose of the rest.
Enjoyed this very much. Nice story and very original thinking. An author (you) writing about an author. Very cool!!!
|| Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] || Reading your descriptions page, I continued to read your actual poem with caution. I thought I might find many mispelled words, wrong word usage or something- that usually drives me nuts- but I found I liked it. |
I didn't really care for the first two stanzas. Nor the first line of the third. The repetitiveness of the "and she waited 3x" annoyed me.
However, from then on I started to notice the fairytale flavor you've sprinkled over this one. With words like "slay," "keeper," "immortal" this wasn't so hard to achieve.
I mentioned that I didn't really care for the first two stanzas, but when I read the last stanza, it all came tumbling down. I love songs, poems, stories that have these kind of twists to them.
Using the seemingly insignificant earlier elements of the piece and tying it to make a grand ending. --that's how it seemed to me. It started with the heroine not being able to continue and it ended that way as well.
-Not the most positive note, but that's writing, that's life.
|| Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ] |