Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Vampire Mind - Ch 1


Author: DrunkOnShadows
ASL Info:    16/F/Ont
Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 66 /84 /49
Words: 472
Class/Type: Story /Vampire
Total Views: 1462
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2761



Description:


I have a good feeling about this story.


Vampire Mind - Ch 1



Chapter One - Bloody Dreams

Full moon. It was a bright and beautiful night, and Camille was at the camp ground she always camped at every summer with her mother and a friend. This time she took her new friend, Teia. They walked up the dirt path, then turned off, and went into the part of the park that was littered with many trees. They kept going until they were well hidden from all eyes, and then Teia stopped to face her. She was so beautiful in the shimmering moon light, Camille thought, her beautiful shape luminescent against the trees. She was so delicate, so innocent. She told Camille that she's ready, that she's made a choice. She held out her left arm, wrist up, took the blade she had with her in her right hand, and made a cut. Then she offered herself to Camille, the blood just started to flow a perfect contrast to her porcelain skin...

And then she woke up.

Camille looked around. Her room was dark, and silent, save the ticking of the fan hanging in the middle of her stippled ceiling. Her heart beat sounded in her chest like a drum, so loud she feared it would wake her parents. "Why am I having these dreams?" she thought to herself, because they disturbed her. They were not nightmares, not scary at all; they disturbed Camille because she liked these dreams... Loved them... Wished to have these dreams about Teia every night, and when she was awake during the day, she would wish for them to be real, to come true. It was a fantasy that Camille could not stop, and could not ignore.

She didn't want to hurt Teia, not at all. These weren't violent dreams, they were sensual, and intimate. Everyday and night, Camille found herself desiring more and more what happens in the dream. Not wanting Teia, but wanting the blood. No, needing the blood.

Lying awake in her bed, Camille slipped into herself, just thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. She's always been strange, for as long as she could remember. She's always been overly sensitive to light, could never stand found sounds or smells, and would always get rashes from the sun. But ever since the near death experience she had when the car accident happened six months ago, she's been constantly changing, not in normal ways, and strange unexplainable things have been happening to her, more so than ever.

Her friends had always called her "Vampire" when she was young, but now she was even starting to feel like one.

It took only a few minutes of struggling with her unorganized thought until Camille slipped back into sleep, hoping for more dreams of Teia and the life that flowed within her.




Submitted on 2006-08-12 20:56:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  i thinks its a good beginning to a good short storybook. the reason i say short is because there isnt alot of detail in the intro. i would add some comparisons of what the camp is like...

"Camille was at the camp ground she always camped at every summer..."

how is the path dirty...

"They walked up the dirt path, then turned off..."

the following line is really good...

"She was so beautiful in the shimmering moon light, Camille thought, her beautiful shape luminescent against the trees."

it shows contrast between her figure and the trees and says what about her makes her beautiful in the sentences following.
I see it important to write things that the readers will be able to relate to or compare it to. The story is really good in the way that it goes straight to the point, a bit of action i guess. the scenes in camille's dreams are vivid and feed the reader's senses. over all i like it and would actually take the time to read more of it... which is not usuall when the writing is broken down into chapters. i would like to add you just find out how the strory ends... good job and hope to see more from you.
| Posted on 2006-08-13 00:00:00 | by ibelikeso | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



114216