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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: repeated requiemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silent_death12
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739/805/135
    Words: 436
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1379
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2682



    Description:
       idfk. any thoughts I guess but don't bash it totally....please?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrepeated requiemdots
    -------------------------------------------


    burning city lights penetrate my mind's thoughts,
    as screams erupt throughout this time, this moment...
    and as cries shatter what could have been a genuine utopia...
    I just sit there and watch it fade. watch all that I could never save .
    taking in everything, feeling the lights and seeing the sound,
    and the empty promises of death.....as these sins are written in my blood
    and these lies engraved within my skin, piercing my soul, burning the core.
    as winds rage within my soul and I see the light escape your eyes,
    I'm cold and empty without these cries. I needed that dream to stay alive,
    life was only a dream, for those who know they're dead,
    and all this reality lusts into illusion from all the lies we've been fed.

    I just can't imagine walking away without shedding one tear,
    but what's so wrong with letting go, if nothing exists here?
    does anything really matter- if you're all already dead?
    what's left for me to say, that I haven't already said?
    and where am I supposed to go- I can't stay here anymore,
    you might understand if you saw the corpses on the floor.
    there's nothing for me to leave and still I need to stay,
    and I'm left here wondering why I was saved today?

    questions seem to beg for answers I just don't have,
    as reality slowly slips away, I lose all track of time.
    I saw their faces lose the last lights of life,
    saw death trace their listless eyes; fixed wide open.
    am i losing my mind? does happiness require sanity?
    countless faces soon to reside in unmarked graves,
    they haunt my every breath, they want my life,
    but I never asked to stay and I didn't try to live.
    and now i can't see anything, i can't live a moment,
    without seeing his face reflected in my tears,
    he'll never leave my mind, but I really did try,
    I couldn't save him and it wasn't fair....
    that the memory of him must hate me,
    and he has his own shallow grave within my heart.
    a piece of me died along with him but;
    who am i to blame? well no one comes to mind,
    I guess I'll keep this pain for myself...
    my own grave resting within my hands,
    this clock tormenting every moment I'm alive.
    reminding me that I don't deserve this anymore,
    but how much is too much?
    and where do you draw the line,
    between the one you want, and the one who needs you?





    Submitted on 2006-08-12 23:46:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well this is the first piece of work i read for you... and it just seems i'm gonna read alot for You...
    You're a talented girl, with an extreamly fertil imagination, and organized thougts !!
    I just loved it !!
    | Posted on 2007-11-13 00:00:00 | by Dying Young | [ Reply to This ]
      A classic interrogartory, makes the reader think of Dostoyevsky, his Brothers Karamatzov, or his The Possessed, and The Idiot... full of poetic phrasings and a great deal of passion ... bravo... bravo ... bravo ... michael
    | Posted on 2007-06-25 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi sis such gret piece of art here I liked this a great deal as alwys I enjoy your work you are so talented and improving all the time. this ws one of your best ones and I have a few believe me. This one is simply Brillnt sis love it.
    | Posted on 2007-05-29 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was an amazing write, and thus had some trouble responding to it. My only critique is

    and where am I supposed to go- I can't stay here anymore,
    you might understand if you saw the corpses on the floor.

    you might understand if you these
    corpses on the floor

    seems to fit better to me

    other than that, i'm not the type to make long comments, that's just me

    this piece symbolized the feeling of the world being lifeless, not feeling anything, wanting to feel but not wanting to, confusion/being upset, feeling hopless and isolated, pondering death while never wishing it

    i loved it

    my only complaint is the last bit got a little too "pain, pain" for me, but that's just for me, obviously tons of other people like that kind of thing, and so there isn't much wrong with it.
    | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is amazing. Ok. I just added it to my favorites. lol. This is extremely good. I love it.

    I cant even begin to describe how great this is. This is defiintely one of the better pieces of writing that I have read in a quite a while. Excellent job! Wow.

    The ONLY thing that seemed a little weird to me was in the second stanza:

    "does anything really matter- if you're all already dead?"

    It feels a little odd reading "all already"...
    But maybe thats just me. I dont know.

    Anyways, this is amazing.
    You rock!

    BTW--
    How do you set something as a featured piece?
    I cant quite figure it out.
    Im a noob!

    peace.
    -Kamerin
    | Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this alot, very clever words, gives me something to think about, had some great imagery, and that it is reflecting in what life is around us every day, that it is, to take a stand, what we could have been, what we will be, and what we are, very well expressed, and had a very distant fiction of what we are not.

    "burning city lights penetrate my mind's thoughts,
    as screams erupt throughout this time, this moment...
    and as cries shatter what could have been a genuine utopia...
    I just sit there and watch it fade. watch all that I could never save .
    taking in everything, feeling the lights and seeing the sound,
    and the empty promises of death.....as these sins are written in my blood
    and these lies engraved within my skin, piercing my soul, burning the core.
    as winds rage within my soul and I see the light escape your eyes,
    I'm cold and empty without these cries. I needed that dream to stay alive,
    life was only a dream, for those who know they're dead,
    and all this reality lusts into illusion from all the lies we've been fed."

    This as what the other one reflects as well, "hate" pure hate, within all of us, to what we are, what we are not, where we stand, and that in the long run, we are all dead, I use that line, cause I believe thats the true myself, I like the wording, very interesting, it seems more like a prose, reflecting on thoughts based on hate, and wonder, for what will come next.

    What I dont understand, the line,

    "seeing the sound"

    On how to see a sound, like a shockwawe of light for anstant sound of maybe depression, im not sure, but it just might be a metaphor for some pretty nice imagery within the line, but dont really get it, for how can u see a sound, a sound is something, u hear, u "can" see things associated with sound, like moving lips, pain, and so on, but which it can be tragedy or sorrow, or if its in disquice, or just pure imagery within fiction.

    "I just can't imagine walking away without shedding one tear,
    but what's so wrong with letting go, if nothing exists here?
    does anything really matter- if you're all already dead?
    what's left for me to say, that I haven't already said?
    and where am I supposed to go- I can't stay here anymore,
    you might understand if you saw the corpses on the floor.
    there's nothing for me to leave and still I need to stay,
    and I'm left here wondering why I was saved today?"

    This second stanza, feels nothing like a poem, this seems like a number of thoughts based on questions, saved then left, its good though, its a very important part of the message, and had some great imagery in it, excellent expressed.

    The changing length in each stanza, is a bit confusing, but it must be on purpose, for that , that, u write it, while thinking to let the one thought grow, so its your descesion, on when to end and begin a stanza. But remember, its the reader who judges how well it is.

    "questions seem to beg for answers I just don't have,
    as reality slowly slips away, I lose all track of time.
    I saw their faces lose the last lights of life,
    saw death trace their listless eyes; fixed wide open.
    am i losing my mind? does happiness require sanity?
    countless faces soon to reside in unmarked graves,
    they haunt my every breath, they want my life,
    but I never asked to stay and I didn't try to live.
    and now i can't see anything, i can't live a moment,
    without seeing his face reflected in my tears,
    he'll never leave my mind, but I really did try,
    I couldn't save him and it wasn't fair....
    that the memory of him must hate me,
    and he has his own shallow grave within my heart.
    a piece of me died along with him but;
    who am i to blame? well no one comes to mind,
    I guess I'll keep this pain for myself...
    my own grave resting within my hands,
    this clock tormenting every moment I'm alive.
    reminding me that I don't deserve this anymore,
    but how much is too much?
    and where do you draw the line,
    between the one you want, and the one who needs you?"

    I loved the ending, very well expressed on your thoughts, that is wondering, for death, the answer of the question of life, and why, for your own grave that is so close, the tale of suicide, in your hands, that is hold, combined by the wonderous thoughts, your reality, your life, seemed in depression, the life of others, that is for you to beg in the depth of death, in your mind seemed to follow a pattern of thoughts a pattern that seemed controlled, lost but within reach, for you to control your depression for others, the pain of death for a loved one, a loved one that is to be loved by anyone, but for you to be in pain, not dead, for you stand up, among the rest that lie's down, wripped around in pain by the tortur of the being of the world, a saviour for you that has fallen, but lives one within your heart. lovely write,

    Extremely well expressed, a number of thoughts, answered by no answer. For you to reveal where you stand,

    Very well written..
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by -=Bass=- | [ Reply to This ]
      okay my turn. i picked this one sinc eits your featured poem, you're right about it being really good. the three parts work well together but are completely seperate at the same time. and they are easy to read through, i liked the distruction in the first part, the confusion in the second and the resolution of the thrird, and your ending, it breaks the rythem completely! the whole time theres a wall and all your thought are getting drawn on in then its blown to pieces! bam! (sorry if im being strange i just ate why more sugar then i should have) and the whole 'why is everyone looking at me' tone of it. laters!
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Saphire Twiligh | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this- it hit close to the heart, i think that whatever you went thru i can relate.


    very good write, and keep up the good work.
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by itsjustme22 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Jess this one is very imaginitive I can't really say alot about this one that hasn't already be covered by the other comment just a great piece I loved it as always.

    Wilma
    | Posted on 2006-09-21 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, you had great imagery throughout this entire piece.
    I can't really say much cuz the person below me left just about everything I can say, but I'll try and leave a good critique anyway, I'll take it by stanza, lol, here it goes....

    ......................................................................

    "burning city lights penetrate my mind's thoughts,
    as screams erupt throughout this time, this moment...
    and as cries shatter what could have been a genuine utopia...
    I just sit there and watch it fade. watch all that I could never save .
    taking in everything, feeling the lights and seeing the sound,
    and the empty promises of death.....as these sins are written in my blood
    and these lies engraved within my skin, piercing my soul, burning the core.
    as winds rage within my soul and I see the light escape your eyes,
    I'm cold and empty without these cries. I needed that dream to stay alive,
    life was only a dream, for those who know they're dead,
    and all this reality lusts into illusion from all the lies we've been fed"

    *Very nice, this stanza was swarming with imagery and an over all sense of losing everything you could ever hope not to lose. I understand about the whole wanting to save or help everybody who has problems, which is kind of the feeling I got from this, yet, I'm not sure if that's what you intended. Anyways, later on you say that you cannot live with these cries. That part reminded me of how people would look upon life as boring if there was no violence or gore in books, movies, on TV, in reality...think about it...if every book and every movie was violence and strife free, they would all be the same, but now every book and every movie has some kind of violence or suffering in it, so they're still quite the same.*

    "I just can't imagine walking away without shedding one tear,
    but what's so wrong with letting go, if nothing exists here?
    does anything really matter- if you're all already dead?
    what's left for me to say, that I haven't already said?
    and where am I supposed to go- I can't stay here anymore,
    you might understand if you saw the corpses on the floor.
    there's nothing for me to leave and still I need to stay,
    and I'm left here wondering why I was saved today?"

    *okay, one part sort of bugged me flow-wise. When you say, does anything matter-if you're already dead? What's left for me to say, that I haven't already said? Now, it not bad, but here's my suggestion on how to write that...

    'Does anything matter-if you're already dead?
    What's left to say, that's not already said'
    Then again, that might be a little worse...hmmm, just a suggestion, take it if you wish, if not, leave it.*

    "questions seem to beg for answers I just don't have,
    as reality slowly slips away, I lose all track of time.
    I saw their faces lose the last lights of life,
    saw death trace their listless eyes; fixed wide open.
    am i losing my mind? does happiness require sanity?
    countless faces soon to reside in unmarked graves,
    they haunt my every breath, they want my life,
    but I never asked to stay and I didn't try to live.
    and now i can't see anything, i can't live a moment,
    without seeing his face reflected in my tears,
    he'll never leave my mind, but I really did try,
    I couldn't save him and it wasn't fair....
    that the memory of him must hate me,
    and he has his own shallow grave within my heart.
    a piece of me died along with him but;
    who am i to blame? well no one comes to mind,
    I guess I'll keep this pain for myself...
    my own grave resting within my hands,
    this clock tormenting every moment I'm alive.
    reminding me that I don't deserve this anymore,
    but how much is too much?
    and where do you draw the line,
    between the one you want, and the one who needs you?"

    *You asked if happiness required sanity...personally I'd think that if someone were insanely happy, it would require sanity...and if I were insane I'd be laughing all the time hahahahahaha! lol ;)
    Very hard question at the end, easy answer, but only an easy answer coming from another person. I would choose the one who needs me any day over the person I want, but people tend to be a bit selfish by nature and they make the things that they want into the things that they so desperately need.*

    .......................................................................

    Okay, over-all, I thought this was great, I couldn't really bash it if I tried to. Keep hanging in there.

    *tox*



    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      well, you keep saying that i never come through, but i always do *hurts my integrity a bit*-i had plenty of errands to run yesterday, as you can see i wasn't online, trying to get by finances back in order, priority before pleasure *sighs*.

    i'm not going to interpret this one, ill leave that for you to spill to me, for i always seem to misinterpret your poetry.

    your poetry ina way is as mine, we write-and what we envision, sure we know what our writing is about, but others struggle in its light-for our vocab and grand metaphor which we call our poetry-we leave open to a field of roaming, and allow our thoughts to wander, and the reader is instantly taken to this plane of thought upon reading, and lost there in mind as well...

    i leave you with this...

    "...if the whole man be trained perfectly, and his mind calm, consistent, and powerful, the vision which comes to him is seen as in a perfect mirror, serenly, and in consistence with the rational power; but if the mind be imperfect and ill trained, the vision is seen as in a broken mirror, with strange distortions and discrepancies, all the passions of the heart breathing upon it in cross ripples, till hardly a trace of it remains unbroken. So that, strictly speaking the imagination is never governed; it is always the ruling and Divine power..." --Ruskin

    ***always remember those words.

    now for this piece.

    burning city lights penetrate my mind's thoughts,
    as screams erupt throughout this time, this moment...
    and as cries shatter what could have been a genuine utopia...
    I just sit there and watch it fade. watch all that I could never save .
    taking in everything, feeling the lights and seeing the sound,
    and the empty promises of death.....as these sins are written in my blood
    and these lies engraved within my skin, piercing my soul, burning the core.
    as winds rage within my soul and I see the light escape your eyes,
    I'm cold and empty without these cries. I needed that dream to stay alive,
    life was only a dream, for those who know they're dead,
    and all this reality lusts into illusion from all the lies we've been fed.

    ***some deep thoughts and imagery here. like i said i won't interpret this piece, for i'd enjoy not having my limbs torn for misinterpretation of something that might've been more sensitive to you than it was to i (personal would've been more proper)...

    the one gripe that i had about this stanza was not the elongated lines, it was the recurrent use of "A" "And" "THE" and rhetoric "AND THE" "AS THE" "FOR ALL"...and other etceteras.

    words and word combinations such as those are fine in moderation, but when used over-much, they tend to take away the strength in tempo of your writing. yes they at times can add a bit of flourish, but their overuse can take the same away as quickly as was granted.

    i would've liked to see you remove just a few of those, and you had a rhyme going on, but is was somewhat distorted do to the rhetoric i spoke of earlier, and all the "ANDS" THES...amd etc.

    the elipses i thought as well were oddly misplaced. some of those could've been replaced w/commas. it wasn't as tough you were trailing off into a dreamstate or trailing off into another narrator picking up where one stanza/line/thought left off, so i couldn't see their purpose.

    if you wanted an emphatical pause, a comma wouldve served the same purpose.

    QUESTION: and I'm left here wondering why I was saved today?
    ***saved in a religious sense or the posessive sense?

    questions seem to beg for answers I just don't have,
    as reality slowly slips away, I lose all track of time.
    I saw their faces lose the last lights of life,
    saw death trace their listless eyes; fixed wide open.
    am i losing my mind? does happiness require sanity?
    countless faces soon to reside in unmarked graves,
    they haunt my every breath, they want my life,
    but I never asked to stay and I didn't try to live.
    and now i can't see anything, i can't live a moment,
    without seeing his face reflected in my tears,
    he'll never leave my mind, but I really did try,
    I couldn't save him and it wasn't fair....
    that the memory of him must hate me,
    and he has his own shallow grave within my heart.
    a piece of me died along with him but;
    who am i to blame? well no one comes to mind,
    I guess I'll keep this pain for myself...
    my own grave resting within my hands,
    this clock tormenting every moment I'm alive.
    reminding me that I don't deserve this anymore,
    but how much is too much?
    and where do you draw the line,
    between the one you want, and the one who needs you?

    ***other gripes since i dont want to interpret...the repeated use of "I" here became a bit redundant over time.

    ***the capitalization got to me after some time as well, if devided into stanzas, and organized a bit, that would work, but i see what you were going for here so just disregard that. personal preference.

    ***but other than that an excellent write which is going on my favs list. listen...this is coming from experience.

    when you tell others that they may have misinterpreted your writing, THAT'S ABSOLUTELY FINE! ie: i write to be misinterpreted so i can learn what spiritual journey my writing takes my reader on...so that i might learn the secrets of my prowess more fluently, and be able to later more masterfully guide their journey through consciousness, instead of them becoming lost and wandering aimlessly...

    if a poem means that much to you, THEN DON'T POST IT HERE! cuz that's all you're gonna get if you do, is misntepretation.

    picture this, 3000 members...all from 3000 different walks of life. that's already 9,000,000 possible interpreations to this one piece, then theres the half whos experienced this emotion, haven't experienced this emotion, have experienced this emotion, but in a different light. 1000, 1000, and 1,000,000 different subvariations, multiply that by what 9,000,000 walks of life we already have...and you can see where this is going.

    there are those who enjoy literal intepretation, and those who might not be able to stomach your interpretation, so they generate one of their own, those who respond better to truth, and those who might lie and say they've been through this just for acceptance...

    i mena there are so many different variations, you'd have a better chance of winning the lottery x 100 on any given day than to find someone who will interpret your works just as you see fit.

    too many factors. there are members from different countries on here as well, where one tense of a word you might have used means one definition to them, and another to u, misinterpretation right there.

    so i learned to get over that real quick. yes im being a bit harsh jess, but i thought that if no one else broke this down to ya, it should be me over all.

    a life lesson. did i ask my grandparents to both die of lung cancer? no, but just imagine the many ways they couldve been killed on a day to day basis at 60-70 years old.

    did i ask to be de-virginized at age 14 by that 37 yr old woman? no, but just iomagine what else she could've done to me...

    its a game of life. live and learn i guess *hugs*.

    Loquacious Mind <-- *goes to meditate a bit on his own words*
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      IN ONE WORD........ WHEW,

    I REALLY DON'T BELEIVE YOU'RE ONLY THIRTEEN. WHEN i WAS YOUR AGE I USED TO TRY TO WRITE ALL DEEP BUT IT WAS OBVISIOUSLY A REACH. YOU PUT YOUR THOUGHTS TOGETHER SO WELL YOU MUST HAVE BEEN BORN TO DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH i REALLY REALLY LOVED THIS WRITE.

    GREAT WRITE
    LLCOLLINS
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      To me it seems like the 2nd commentor rambled & babbled more than anything else.

    A writing like yours is meant to be studied like the writings from famous poets. Whether peep misinterpret or not. It's one of our jobs as writers to give peep something to think about/study.

    It's a beautiful write that is emotional, deep, and creative. Keep up the great work. :)
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by EseanB | [ Reply to This ]
      OMG Jess! Just wow. I, . i'm not sure what to say. You've left me both breathless and speechless. I know that's cliché, but there's no other way to put it. I, just; wow Jess, wow! Aamazing job, i really believe this is the best thing i"ve ever read. I don't even feel worthy to comment on it, seriousily; it's that good!
    | Posted on 2006-08-19 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
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    5. Which parts?
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    8. What does it remind you of?
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    10. What would you have done differently?
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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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