18 and older PLEASE!!!! What comes around... by manicsmuse

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Submission Name: 18 and older PLEASE!!!! What comes around... dots

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Author:	manicsmuse
ASL Info:	28
Elite Ratio:	3.69 - 146/161/55
Words:	100

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	176
Average Vote:	1.0000
Bytes:	717

Description:
No, this never really happened. I just could never think of a better way to get back at a man who ruined me. This could have been much more in-depth, but I was going for morbid humor here.

18 and older PLEASE!!!! What comes around... dots

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I have nothing for you.
Not even a ~fuck you~
See, that would give you
pride.
Like that stuff you raped me of,
remember that?

I ought to say "Kiss my ass"
But that won't do either.
You would mearly laugh.

But...wait, I do have this.

Last night,
when you were sleeping,
passed out rather.
I drove to that store,
down on fifth.
I met John there
Yes, John,
"OUR "best friend.

He was so understanding.
He even agreed, you are a dick.
Then he gave me his.
Dick, I mean.

And it was S-p-e-c-t-a-c-u-l-a-r.

Submitted on 2006-08-13 09:57:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  heh, i particularly liked this one. kinda ironic i wrote a piece, if not as heartfelt-w/similarities and the same intent. "Yesterday Cecelia, Later Lanette".

i thought that this piece was quite raw in effect yes, but that the language fit this perfectly, this is just one of those [censored] u's that comes from the bellows of "there r no words by which to describe how i feel about u right now".

a couple of things i thought could've been improved upon in this though...

I have nothing for you.
Not even a ~[censored] you~
See, that would give you
pride.
nicely formed w/nice tempo

Like that stuff you raped me of,
remember that?
***now thius, a few thoughts ran through my mind. this could have either been divided into two or three separate lines, such as...

A)
Like that stuff
You raped me of-
Remember?
***this preserved the tempo you had going in the first set of lines having this line displaced as such. i moved remember to a line of its own because it helped to further emphasize that feeling of detachment and emotional hollowing you created by saying Like That Stuff. the word stuff is nothing in particular, almost seems like the fluff from the inside of a pillow, but at the same time-being fluff, it fills that void inside of the pillow so you might sleep comfortably.

remember being on its own line with this tempo u've created just adds to that nostalgic haunty feel . i liked it much.

the comma was removed because it seemed out of place. your tempo here, was PERFECT, and adding a pause just disrupted that ever so slightly. ignore the dash, i put that there out of personal preference, and to indicate the separation of thought once more, as though u weren't asking a question at all, and merely were starting a new thought with Remember, which led on into the next stanzas, adding to that detachment.

or it couldve been written as so...

B)
Like that stuff
You raped me of;

R e m e m b er

H
o
w...

I ought to say "Kiss my ass"
But that wouldn't do either.
You would mearly laugh.

But...wait, I do have this.
and here i added the spatial styling to spice thigns up a bit, and to do a bit more for the smoothing of your transistion. it was a bit rough, and with the mood, emotion and lyrical intensity (gravity i meant) you generated in the first stanza, i thought for you to pull your reader deeper into that dreamlike trance...

blah blah blah i know im ranting but i see so much potential in this piece.
i spaced out how as a downward stairxase to convey that descent into laments fore...

and the spacing of remember to represent brokeness of spirit, trust in that which once was your haven and in thought (to provide an unsaid excuse for the brokeness of the transition

ill leave this comment at that. but yes, i saw much potential in this. and did enjoy. i look forward to reading more from you here soon, and hope that you do keep on posting.

i don't want to scare away the other critics, so *bows and takes his leave*

merry meet and blessed be
Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I always say the best revenge is good living...never really see a point in using sex as a weapon...but quite a few people do I guess. Blah...guess some just cant control their emotions or something.

Nice vent write though.

| Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  OMG...I LOVE the vindictiveness of this. As much as cheating is bad...sometimes people deserve to be cheated on...just so they can see how they have hurt someone so much that makes them turn to someone else of some 'consolation' so to speak. This is totally amazing hunny. I read your journal before I read this...and I hope that you can get past everything...or the stupid [censored]er disappears...

Anyways...this shall go on my favs...and I think I might just have to 'stalk' you...I like you work...
| Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh, this was priceless. I love the humor and bitterness at the same time.

By far, the best part was-
"He even agreed, you are a dick.
Then he gave me his.
Dick, I mean."

Great play in the lines. Keep writing!
| Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by Janelle | [ Reply to This ]
  heehee,
revenge is a dish served ice cold
is that what you say
cuz you just made it good served HOT!!!!
lol

Swanne
| Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]

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