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She's gone

Author: bbcherry
Elite Ratio:    3.07 - 79 /34 /16
Words: 182
Class/Type: Story /Death
Total Views: 1048
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 886


Another part to a story I'm trying to write.

She's gone

She's gone. All that is left is her flesh surrounding her bones, in a dark box. This box went underground today.
My hair wipped around my face slapping away the tears that I could no longer hold back. All I could do was stand there and watch as they lowered her coffin underground. An empty feeling took me, even though there were friends and family crowding all around me.
The ceramony came to an end. Loved ones hugged me, but I felt shame as my body was too stiff to hug them back.
I stood still, too stiff to move. I did nothing but watch, as all but one and myself were left.
He stood there with a single rose. With a solemn face he placed it upon the plack. I closed my eyes for a moment. Then when I opened them he was gone.
It was my turn to say good-bye but I could not. I could not think of anything to do but join her...

Submitted on 2006-08-13 18:06:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  i like this, i get most of my inspiration from my emotions, as you will notice if you read some of my work, pain, lonliness, guilt, shame, hatred, anger, sadness, depression all seem to be a big part of what people write.

This was great, I liked the way you wrote it, I felt like I was in your body, I certainly, in my minds eye, pictured myself standing in front of my friends grave, watching them lower the casket as the rain drenched me, i felt the pain of losing that friend and the sorrow of knowing that nothing i do will ever bring them back. In short I thought that this poem was so real, it definately gave me the sense that I was standing there myself.

Definiately one to add to my faves.

Good job

| Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
  you have perfectly described the emotions i felt when my friend commited suiside and i stood in the grave yard and couldnt do any thing especialy when you love that person more than any one in this world it hurts. the way you have wirten this poem seems as if you were talking to your self like a poetic diary entry which also adds to the effect becasue when you felt like that you were alone. i realy do know this feeling jenn and i can also see that your skills as a writer are improving dramaticly keep it up

Rak ^)
| Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by dark figure | [ Reply to This ]
  This was well expressed. I didn't see any emotions lacking, and everything in this was well done. Sorry I couldn't be of much help but I think this is nearly perfect.
The beginnning seems punctuation de-effiecient [maybe not but I had to write something bad] VERY well written

| Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]

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