Feeling stupid
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i wrote this as a journal when i first came here but i wanted them to be on the list of writings that i have because i want people to see what i'm thinking even though sometimes i regret these things.
Feeling stupid
Mood: Depressed Is it right for me to be depressed? I mean I'm sure there are tons of people probably millions of people who have it far worse than I do... Last night I hung out with my friend. We live in a small town so we spent a majority of the night lying in the middle of a road and talking about shit. And basically when I say shit I mean guys. I'm not at all saying that I hate guys or anything even remotely close to that. I just hate my taste in guys. My friend says that I'm afraid of going after someone who is good enough for me because somewhere along the way from childhood to teenage adolescence I lost basically all of my confidence. So now I go for guys that I don't even want to be with in the first place. But what really gives me the right to complain? Its my own fault. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed off about it in the first place. Earlier this year I was in a bad relationship. It didn't last very long, but it was very intense, and not in a romantic way, in a frightening way. I knew from the beginning that our relationship wasn't going to be welcomed in the world of couples, but when was the last time I ever worried or cared about that? But that existance of people seemed to know more about my boyfriend than I did, which of course only made me question my decision even more. But I guess in a way I was even more attracted to him because I knew I shouldn't be with him. But now its been about a thousand months and everytime I feel myself want to get close to someone I make myself numb in anyway I can. I've even gone to such lengths as to spend hours talking myself out of liking someone. Its stupid I know. I probably sound like a third grader who still thinks guys have cooties, and compared to some people my relationship with this guy wasn't that bad. But being pushed around just isn't my thing. and now I'm scared to death at the thought of liking someone and not being able to talk myself out of it. I know this person doesn't like me though cause I'm definitely not his type at all, and we're friends which just adds a ton more complications to the situation which makes me extra happy. :( Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about? Sorry to waste your time. |
Submitted on 2006-08-13 23:47:29 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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There is so much information in your writing that it almost needs disecting line by line to give you my take. So overall, I got the impression that for some reason, you don't feel that you deserve anyone nice because you don't see yourself as nice, like your friend said, it sounds like you have self-esteem issues. Perhaps you know where these issues come from? Self esteem is something we learn from throughout our lives and often if someone has low self esteem, there has been an unsettling time in their early life. I can think of a number of things that can trigger low self-esteem; abuse sexual/mental/physical, lack of parental affection, bullying, being told you are worthless, made to feel you are worthless. I got the feeling that you find it difficult to trust anyone. It made me wonder if you had experienced trusting someone and being hurt so badly by that person, that you don't even trust yourself to make the right decision any more. You seem very strong though, at least on the outside! And loyal but maybe to people who perhaps don't deserve that loyalty. Wow, listen to me going on and on lol. Your thoughts have made me think! If you can learn to trust yourself again, maybe you will find it easier to trust other people. Take care. Mel| | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ] | ok, my advise, and this may sound cliché' like a freakin chic magazine, but you need to stay away from dude's all together. Hang out with nothing but chicks and I mean nothing. Do what chicks do, go to starbucks, or movie's. Go shopping together, and keep busy. I'm telling, you after awhile you will be so busy with arrangments that you've made with other people, you won't have time for men, and then we are your so damn busy hanging out with your friends that your heads going to explode, and realy great guy is going to appear from now where, and your going to think oh [censored] I'm to busy for this, but do it anyways! Please take my advise on this. It worked for me, my fiancee and I have been together for 5 years, and getting married in September. I am only 21 years old | | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Cinder7 | [ Reply to This ] | |
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