Mood: Depressed
Is it right for me to be depressed? I mean I'm sure there are tons of people probably millions of people who have it far worse than I do...
Last night I hung out with my friend. We live in a small town so we spent a majority of the night lying in the middle of a road and talking about shit. And basically when I say shit I mean guys. I'm not at all saying that I hate guys or anything even remotely close to that. I just hate my taste in guys. My friend says that I'm afraid of going after someone who is good enough for me because somewhere along the way from childhood to teenage adolescence I lost basically all of my confidence. So now I go for guys that I don't even want to be with in the first place. But what really gives me the right to complain? Its my own fault. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed off about it in the first place.
Earlier this year I was in a bad relationship. It didn't last very long, but it was very intense, and not in a romantic way, in a frightening way. I knew from the beginning that our relationship wasn't going to be welcomed in the world of couples, but when was the last time I ever worried or cared about that? But that existance of people seemed to know more about my boyfriend than I did, which of course only made me question my decision even more. But I guess in a way I was even more attracted to him because I knew I shouldn't be with him. But now its been about a thousand months and everytime I feel myself want to get close to someone I make myself numb in anyway I can. I've even gone to such lengths as to spend hours talking myself out of liking someone. Its stupid I know. I probably sound like a third grader who still thinks guys have cooties, and compared to some people my relationship with this guy wasn't that bad. But being pushed around just isn't my thing. and now I'm scared to death at the thought of liking someone and not being able to talk myself out of it. I know this person doesn't like me though cause I'm definitely not his type at all, and we're friends which just adds a ton more complications to the situation which makes me extra happy. :( Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about? Sorry to waste your time. |