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The Questioning

Author: LossOfHope03
ASL Info:    16/female/USA
Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 30 /29 /31
Words: 596
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Serious
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this is one of the most revealing/personal journals i've ever written.

The Questioning

Mood: Overwhelmed

"face down in the dirt she said this doesn't hurt, she said i've finally had enough"
i believe that's how the song goes. (i apologize if i'm wrong.) i connect with this song from my past. an ex-boyfriend, but as i listen to the song i wonder why it never occurred to me that what he was doing was wrong? at some point i did, i remember staying up late at night wondering why i didn't have the courage or the heart to break up with him. why did i still feel bad for him even though he was the one pushing me around? and why was it that on some level i felt like i deserved it? sometimes i still do feel like i brought his anger upon myself. i've always believed that in a relationship if you don't agree with the person or you feel differently about a certain controversy or whatever then you should express that, but the fights he and i had were never about disagreements about worldly things, or anything really worth getting so angry about. They were always about hanging out with friends and never calling and stuff. Things that in retrospect, were important but just not important enough.
I find myself stilling wondering if i had made the right decision. The first time we ever hung out was the first time i ever met him. We had been going out for two days. i know that doesn't make sense right? i never meet him in person but i still go out with him. anyway, the first time we ever hung out we were in my friend's basement and she was upstairs. He tried to get me to have sex with him. i had to fight him off. i had never felt so scared in my life, i had just turned 14 and i just wasn't ready. i didn't know how to make him understand, he just wasn't the kind of guy that was willing to listen to someone when he was horny. i went home that day with my sister, and i never told her what happened because i knew she would freak out at him because she's very overprotective of me. that night i lay awake on the phone with him but not really listening, thinking about what happened. i realized that i had made a mistake going out with him and i should get away from him as soon as possible, but everytime i decided i was going to do it, i decided not to. we'd been going out for two days and he had already tried to have sex with me, and i had to fight him off even after he threatened me with his stupid switchblade. what was it about him that made me stay? what was wrong with me? why didn't i listen to any of my friends? should i listen to them now? they say i should get back out there and try liking someone without being afraid. i do like someone but he's a friend and i really don't want to lose him cause i did once and i was really sad. he is the perfect guy though, everything i have ever looked for in a guy. but i can't find the courage to just tell people that i like someone. maybe one day, maybe soon, i'll find whatever it is i'm looking for, maybe i'll see whatever it is that everyone seems to see in me. maybe, just maybe, i'll learn to love like the best of them.

Submitted on 2006-08-13 23:49:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  i really appricate that you put your thoughts on this site.i really mean it.
see you don't have to apolodize for anything, people here understand the pain you are going through, we are here to support you, standing with you in painful times. You have everyright to express anything you feel or want to, believe me we are here to listen to you pain.
now that this time you are looking for a man who you think is what you want but maybe your friends are looking for a man who is worth having you, and the day he will be in your life you will see the change.
so just keep faith in life and remember these confussing days will end, nothing last for ever.

| Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by imagination | [ Reply to This ]

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