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    dots Submission Name: If you weredots

    Author: Kay
    ASL Info:    15/f/
    Elite Ratio:    3.72 - 216/197/68
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Misc/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 948
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1268

       yeah... don't you hate it when a boy asks if you would go out with him even tho he already has a girlfriend....


    so yeah.. tell me how to improve

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf you weredots

    a smile crosses my face
    wishing that the feeling will stay
    knowing the words mean nothing at all
    These emotions were razed

    its a heart at rebirth
    this time the pain
    doesnt even seem to hurt.
    and his memories seem to fade away

    as you speak with me
    its the same lovely feeling
    that will turn into an impasive; serenity
    that will slowy hurt me
    with out me showing it to you

    so if you were single
    yeah I'll be there to be your sweety

    its just that she is so much better then me
    and she is the one that deserves to be your baby
    she is the one that belongs in your hugs
    To me it seems she is the one your in love.. with

    so if you were single
    yeah i would...

    Its just that she is way much better than me
    and i'm not good enough to be in your dreams

    I am nothing compared to her
    and to see her cry... wouldn't it hurt?
    to see it would be your fault
    of why she had to fall?

    A smile crosses my face
    and the secret is...
    how would you know if its a fake?

    Submitted on 2006-08-14 10:57:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      K. I did enjoy this piece. Truely. You captured fickle teen relationships, we've all had them and will have them. Just gets better and better chicka. Keep your head up sweetie.

    | Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
    -Mistakes: It's, than
    -The "and" in the third last stanza just doesn't seem to belong there, nor does the of in the second last stanza.
    -Usually a semi-colon [;] ends a verse
    -Using the three consecutive dots to hang a thought doesn't work in poems, unless they are the ending note. Like the last one you used would be acceptable.

    Besides the grammatical stuff; personal advice: Never make compromises when it comes to loving a person. Love them wholy, and entirely for who they are. Never consider a guy "acceptable." Either he's it, or he isn't.
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

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