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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I've beendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 834
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1009



    Description:
       I wrote this sometime ago before my girlfriend and I got together. Durring this infatuation with a girl who would have bled my wallet and my heart dry, I cant even say why I found myself attracted to her but I was and in the worst way. I just found this piece collecting dust so I figured I would share it


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI've beendots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've been drowning
    my eyes in the incomplete
    praying for words
    to bring some relief


    and sex gets in the way
    more
    when you aint getting laid


    so I'll light another cigarette
    always saying this ones
    gonna be the last
    but that happens
    every time I find my
    fingers dialing you


    cause your always standing there
    just
    behind the thoughts I don't want


    I'm drowning my eyes
    in the curve of your hips
    praying I were stoic
    yet I'm stealing glances of your tits


    And sex gets in the way
    more
    when you aint getting laid



    So I call you
    swearing never again
    my fingers know what to do
    but this mouth
    never can say


    honey your bad news
    cause
    I can't help wanting you




    Submitted on 2006-08-14 19:58:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "my eyes in the incomplete"

    really like that...

    i like this poem...it is raw...sardonic in tone...and smart...

    it's got a beat---

    sex gets in the way when you ain't got it and often when you do got it...

    sometimes it's the longing for it..sometimes it is the only thing and the emotional relationship is missing...

    good piece.

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-12 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      You gave this an urban feel. You kind of reminded me of Eamon....you know...the R & B/hip hop singer.

    Okay...yeah...you may not know.....

    This was very cut throat and raw. But that really compliments the piece. You aren't afraid to speak exactly of what's on your mind. You show that you have no poetic boundaries. I really applaud that about you!

    The cigarette thing...yes....I can so much relate to that.....saying this is going to be my last one...but then....when you see there is only one left in the pack...you panic!

    I liked this one. Great talent!

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem is honest and open, there's nothing of your inner feelings, hopes and fears hidden in it, it's laid out for all to see.

    I had to giggle at the lines;

    And sex gets in the way
    more
    when you aint getting laid

    Let's face it, if you ain't getting sex, a moose could look attractive!

    I did like the lines;

    I'm drowning my eyes
    in the curve of your hips
    praying I were stoic
    yet I'm stealing glances of your tits

    It's honest and romantic and humerous all at the same time. How you do that I wish I knew! Brilliant blend.

    These lines;

    honey your bad news
    cause
    I can't help wanting you

    Just a personal oppinion, but I don't feel they are needed at all. It seemed to me, that those lines were almost thrown in to finish it off and yet, I felt it read better without them. Mel.
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
      so raw
    so honest
    wow...

    this feels like a different side of you somehow...
    i dont feel like ive seen this in your writings before...
    i liked it.

    and sex gets in the way
    more
    when you aint getting laid

    this refrain here...
    dunno what it is about it... perhaps its a universally known truth thats just been proclaimed out loud tonight i dunno... but it feels new... like something everyones thinking but no ones saying...
    i dunno... theres just something about this refrain that strikes me...

    so I'll light another cigarette
    always saying this ones
    gonna be the last
    but that happens
    every time I find my
    fingers dialing you

    sex and cigarettes...
    always seem to go hand in hand in movies...
    i love the always saying this is the last one here and then at the end always say this is the last time but well... they go hand in hand... cigarettes sex and her... you cannot have one with the other two present... its like fire... take away one of the elements there aint gonna be no burning... aint gonna be no destruction and well... while smoking and sleeping with someone for the hell of it (or coz your lonely or coz of one of the other million reasons people can give for doing so) can be self destructive your not ready to give either up yet... no matter how much you tell yourself you are... your just not.

    cause your always standing there
    just
    behind the thoughts I don't want

    you make her sound so evil right here...
    i dunno what it is about this line either but its like your always there... even when i dont want you...
    thoughts i dont want indicate you have tried to rid yourself of her... to make good on your 'never again' line but alas... it never quite works that way and shes always there somehow...

    I'm drowning my eyes
    in the curve of your hips
    praying I were stoic
    yet I'm stealing glances of your tits

    this is brilliant... thats all i have to say about that...
    stoic... what boy can resist tits?
    anyways... i digress

    honey your bad news
    cause
    I can't help wanting you

    you know what this is...
    this is the makings of a country music song right here...
    your bad news but i want you somehow all the same...

    yeah...
    this is a different sound or feel from what im used to from you but im glad you posted it.
    its prolly a good thing you said that this was before you met your girl though coz i woulda started to question you serverly it that wasnt the case...
    you deserve the best john... the veryy best and well... this girl in this write aint her!!
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      we all find outrselves drawn to bad people at some time or another. its just something that we grow with.
    the main dofficulty i found was the lack of punctuation, but that always finds its way into later drafts if you chose to draft this one again.
    excellent repetition on :And sex gets in the way
    more
    when you aint getting laid

    quite a true statement, one which i think that most people can relate to. this is quite an open piece, and that shows in how easy it was to read.

    interesting that you describe your infactuation as more of an addiction than anything else. i quite like it.

    honey your bad news
    cause
    I can't help wanting you

    perhaps would need rewqording, because i find that it breaks the flow a little, even when i am reading it out loud.

    i think that what makes this piece even more enjoyable is because it is written in that casual sort of english, which personally i cant get to work.

    a good write. well done.

    evelyn
    | Posted on 2006-08-14 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]


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