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    dots Submission Name: Understatementdots

    Author: yellow balloons
    ASL Info:    16
    Elite Ratio:    3 - 7/3/9
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 447
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1124


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    Beautiful Lacey,

    My pretty baby.

    Where did you go, sweet little lady?
    Iím humming this song and hoping that maybe
    My voice will travel through the sky
    (A little too hopeful, but I have to try)

    So lay down on your pillow of clouds,
    Strain to hear
    Iím looking for your haven, but the sky is clear
    Where is your kingdom?
    They said it would get easier
    But the day hasn't come

    I wake up to the smell of grass
    Cut, so fresh
    But the scent wonít last
    You passed

    So fast

    The stains stay green
    But memories fade
    We rolled in circles on that hill
    Too old to play, too young to kill
    And you loved that smell
    So I canít sit still

    ďMissing youĒ
    Such a worn-out lament
    And missing you

    Is an understatement

    Submitted on 2006-08-15 00:44:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ahh, the bittersweet memories that are evoked in this... it's very touching and pure...

    I like how you've spaced this out, to provide breath for the reader to accomodate thoughts in between... it works well.

    Clouds and grass... the innocence and laughter of a previous home? One can only guess.

    The only line I'm not too keen on is:
    'But memories fade'
    -- It's a bit... um... over-used in my opinion, and could probably be deleted with no detriment to the overall message. It's already said silently, so why say it? At least, I already get this feeling... but that's just what I think.

    Overall, I like this. It's... an aching piece.


    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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