[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Understatementdots

    Author: yellow balloons
    ASL Info:    16
    Elite Ratio:    3 - 7/3/9
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 441
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1124


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Beautiful Lacey,

    My pretty baby.

    Where did you go, sweet little lady?
    I’m humming this song and hoping that maybe
    My voice will travel through the sky
    (A little too hopeful, but I have to try)

    So lay down on your pillow of clouds,
    Strain to hear
    I’m looking for your haven, but the sky is clear
    Where is your kingdom?
    They said it would get easier
    But the day hasn't come

    I wake up to the smell of grass
    Cut, so fresh
    But the scent won’t last
    You passed

    So fast

    The stains stay green
    But memories fade
    We rolled in circles on that hill
    Too old to play, too young to kill
    And you loved that smell
    So I can’t sit still

    “Missing you”
    Such a worn-out lament
    And missing you

    Is an understatement

    Submitted on 2006-08-15 00:44:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Ahh, the bittersweet memories that are evoked in this... it's very touching and pure...

    I like how you've spaced this out, to provide breath for the reader to accomodate thoughts in between... it works well.

    Clouds and grass... the innocence and laughter of a previous home? One can only guess.

    The only line I'm not too keen on is:
    'But memories fade'
    -- It's a bit... um... over-used in my opinion, and could probably be deleted with no detriment to the overall message. It's already said silently, so why say it? At least, I already get this feeling... but that's just what I think.

    Overall, I like this. It's... an aching piece.


    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]