Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Understatementdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: yellow balloons
    ASL Info:    16
    Elite Ratio:    3 - 7/3/9
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 501
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1124



    Description:
       missyoudownhere.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnderstatementdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beautiful Lacey,



    My pretty baby.



    Where did you go, sweet little lady?
    Iím humming this song and hoping that maybe
    My voice will travel through the sky
    (A little too hopeful, but I have to try)

    So lay down on your pillow of clouds,
    Strain to hear
    Iím looking for your haven, but the sky is clear
    Where is your kingdom?
    They said it would get easier
    But the day hasn't come







    I wake up to the smell of grass
    Cut, so fresh
    But the scent wonít last
    You passed

    So fast





    The stains stay green
    But memories fade
    We rolled in circles on that hill
    Too old to play, too young to kill
    And you loved that smell
    So I canít sit still

    ďMissing youĒ
    Such a worn-out lament
    And missing you








    Is an understatement




    Submitted on 2006-08-15 00:44:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ahh, the bittersweet memories that are evoked in this... it's very touching and pure...

    I like how you've spaced this out, to provide breath for the reader to accomodate thoughts in between... it works well.

    Clouds and grass... the innocence and laughter of a previous home? One can only guess.

    The only line I'm not too keen on is:
    'But memories fade'
    -- It's a bit... um... over-used in my opinion, and could probably be deleted with no detriment to the overall message. It's already said silently, so why say it? At least, I already get this feeling... but that's just what I think.

    Overall, I like this. It's... an aching piece.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-08-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    114450

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Genesis written by saartha
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Stretto written by saartha
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Incubus written by monad
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    A Fire! A Knife! A Black Crow Calls! written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry