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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: It's not goodbye, but its still hurtsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maki
    ASL Info:    17/ female/ home
    Elite Ratio:    5.04 - 208/210/69
    Words: 289
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 757
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1624



    Description:
       ** if you can think of a better title, please tell me ><::**

    Well, im still depressed, so sue me.

    Actually thought of the first line early in the morninng a few days ago and I decided to start on it while i was waiting for my friend to come back and i wrote this whole thing not ones stopping to see if this word fit or this sentance belonged.

    If you music guys/gals want to put these lyrics to music please PM and well see~ and if you hate the lyrics, tell me! in a nice way though ^__^


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIt's not goodbye, but its still hurtsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Those words taste bitter in my mouth
    Those words of a bittersweet farewell
    Just because it isnítí goodbye doesnít mean everythingís okay.

    I hate the feeling of a lump in my throat
    Unable to speak just incase the wrong word comes up
    So silent I remain, silent I remain

    **chorus**
    It hurts so bad to say I miss you
    It hurts so much when I canít see you when I need to. .
    It hurts so badly when I see you everywhere I donít want to.
    I canít believe itís been so long

    My sluggish footsteps never seem to pick up
    I thought I could handle the day to day commute,
    I thought wrongly once again as always

    My heart seems to beat heavily in my chest
    My heart seems to speed up when you speak
    Itís always a lopsided beat to my now sour chords, a lopsided beat. . .

    **chorus**
    It hurts so bad to say I miss you
    It hurts so much when I canít see you when I need to. .
    It hurts so badly when I see you everywhere I donít want to.
    I canít believe itís been so long

    **Bridge**
    and when I see your face in photographs Iíve taken
    I canít help but wonder
    What if you were here now (god if only you were here now)
    I canít help but wonder
    What the hell is in store for me (exactly, what the hell?)
    And . . . I canít help but miss you

    These words taste bitter in my mouth
    Every time we say good night
    Even though it isnít good bye doesnít mean its okay





    Submitted on 2006-08-15 16:53:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't know anything about modern lyrix & so my comment will be useless probably. Moving on to the revision ...
    | Posted on 2007-03-23 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      well...
    i was listening to the pop radio station today and i was listening to the lyrics and wondered how words as clichť as those could be taken seriously...
    clichť ideas put to music apparently sell well.
    theres always a market for a clichť song.
    anyways... im not saying this is clichť but i do think its a theme and these are words that have been sung by many a person before.
    but its a hard subject to sing in a new way...
    everyones got a someone that still hurts... i think its a condition of humanity that cant be escaped...

    now... its always hard trying to critique a song as the reader cant hear how the writer wants it played and so lines that seem out of place arent necessarily but because i cant see your vision for the piece i find that the way i would sing it means there are words in here that dont fit so well...
    so im kinda stuck for commenting really...

    its not goodbye but it still hurts...
    while its an idea that frank sinatra prolly sang about it is a worthy subject all the same.
    think your verses after the first chorus are your strongest here.

    your chorus...
    i like the progressive ideas in there...
    i miss you
    i need you
    i dont want you
    its interesting to me...

    so yeah...
    this isnt much of a comment...
    sorry...
    but good luck with the song thing...
    i hope you find some music for it!

    | Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      First stanza: If it taste bitter, where else would it be than in your mouth; cut "in my mouth". The repetition of bitter isn't cool; redundant. A hurtful but not everlasting seperation isn't a bittersweet thing. "Those words of a bittersweet farewell." That line is messed up; either go with "Those words of bittersweet farewell," "The words of a bittersweet farewell," or "Those words of farewell." Lastly, for the last verse you're missing a comma between "goodbye" and "doesn't" which would cut that verse into two verses.

    Second stanza: I think that if you replaced the with "that" and added "having" between of and A you'd reach to reader more, get more sympathy. Second verse, I'd replace Unable with Unwilling and drop the "just." And in the last verse, I'd cut it into two verse the second being "So silent..." instead of Silent I remain, to put more emphasis on the silence, instead of the self.

    Chorus/S3: Second line, I'd replace the first "when" with a "that," and drop the last "to" for a "you."

    Fourth stanza: in the second verse, I'd drop the first I and do " 'Thought I.." and drop day to day for "everyday." Last verse, I'd drop the "once" for "yet" and I'd cut the last two words and put them in a fourth verse.

    Fifth stanza: You have a, or two similar, contradiction: when you say "something seems..." it's not actually happening. Yet in your third verse you are saying that the things that seemed, are - don't mind my clarity. Again, cut the three last words and make them their own verse; Do you really want to put emphasis on the elongated beating of the heart, or on the sour emotional reaction?

    Seventh stanza: Drop photographs for pictures, less syllables = more melody. You're missing a ? after now in the third verse - are the words in parenthesis part of the words sang, or a lyrics only bonus? Last verse is beyond being too clichť.

    Last stanza: Opposing "These" and "Those," I'd go with replacing "These" with "Those" because in the second stanza you say "everytime we say it" indicating that it's not presently happening, therefore it should be Those. And there is absolutely no link between the second verse and the third.

    That's my generic assessment. Hope you appreciate this. Good read though, great efforts!

    Outlaw
    | Posted on 2006-08-16 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      This seemed to me to be a very generic lyric. Nothing really stands out to impress the reader but the strange rhythm. That threw me for a bit, when you seemingly added phrases that didn't really need to be there, and didn't really help anything or make anything clearer. Like in this line:

    It hurts so much when I canít see you (when I need to) .

    the part in parenthesis doesn't really need to be there, and it throw off a regular rhythm that some of the lyric conforms to. I'd say, if you're not going to throw this one out and start from scratch. Do a heavy rewrite and make it stand out somehow. Free verse is hard to make origional, because so many people do it. Do something to make your lyric origional, and it will benefit from many more readers.
    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2006-08-20 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Cinder7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I think by the way this is written I could imagine Staind singing that. Now that can be good or that can be bad depending on the person. I personally hate Staind, and when I am upset, I don't tend to morn or cry. I lash out insanely, until I am to tired to do anything else, and then I sleep for 13 hrs. or so. Now to each his own I suppose. None the less it was pretty good for a sad song, it did have it's moments, nothing that really wowed me, and I agree there is some repetion in it that need to be re worded, but then again, there's a lot of songs that have repetition. Look at Gone at Sixty Seconds "Low Rider" and "Green Salad"
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Cinder7 | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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