Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Seven Deadly Sinsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rhaine
    ASL Info:    25/Yes/An Alley
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 660/744/196
    Words: 244
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 808
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1611



    Description:
       inspired by another poet on here, wrote it very swiftly...please tell me whats weird with it...the first stanza is like great i think but i feel like i copied it throughout the whole thing


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeven Deadly Sinsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Crack my knuckles, again and again
    Spinning out red veins of fury
    instead of cords of gold
    i was wired for this wrath
    being controlled by mars
    he laughs as i'm dismembered alive
    by the red bear standing below me
    screaming.

    Relaxing and at ease
    my spiritual mind
    has come to a halt
    Saturn has betrayed me
    and now i must die
    to a snake pit i am conveyed
    by a goat of light blue
    he's crying.

    I see her there
    wanting to cause pain
    to take her place
    every filthy burning makes me
    one step closer to the moon
    He turns green with his demon dog growling
    submerging me in a freezing sea

    I require the best
    I need what they have
    Do you see jupiter now?
    I bet you do
    Little orange pigs
    shove rats down my throat
    she is smiling now

    Pampered little girl
    with all her toys and candies
    Avarice, Covetousness
    Mercury sighs as i am
    taking what is not mine
    He watches as i am boiled
    in hot oil by the frogs of yellow

    Pleasure to the body
    with the curtains wide open
    primrose path for my spirit
    turned blue
    venus smothers me in fire and brimstone
    for my aphrodisia
    Mother of all sins
    borderline righteousness-
    self righteousness
    where do they cross the violet line,
    guarded by the suns flaming horses?
    i will be broken on that raging wheel




    Submitted on 2006-08-16 14:46:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like it! Hay, U ever stop to think that the devil
    May not look Quite the way you may he looks?
    Rather than a flame breathing ugly, ect,ect.....
    Kinda Guy. But,..........................A sharply dressed everything u ever wanted, and dident
    even kno u wanted. ......... . Kinda guy. Its how
    he gets you in the end that matters.

    I do like dont get me wrong. But I tended to
    get a little lost. In the way you worded things.
    You kinda skipped around a lot. Your work is
    good but your flow is a little off. (On this piece)
    I will take another look @ yr other stuff. Turns out it may get pushed off till this weekend.
    Alright than.............................
    Joshua

    P.S. Take care
    | Posted on 2006-12-27 00:00:00 | by ooononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]
      Back for more eh? I love it. I really find it just right to describe the seven deadly ones. I don't precisely follow the frogs and rats and snakes and bears, maybe they are imagery that relate to these sins and I'm just too eneducated to know it. But either way, even if they come from anywhere, I think they fit in perfectly, just as the planetes do. Gooooood job! :)

    Outlaw
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    114634

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Carry written by saartha
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The World written by jjd
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry