Description: This is an interesting little piece i did. (if i say so myself...) the events here are all very true, and the metaphors, though not deep, are also kept at mostly true. I was working with the idea of a triangle in which nobody knew anything about anyone, and about halfway through i got the song Schism stuck in my head, which actually fit great into what i was doing (thankyou tool...) so yes, the last stanza is a rendition of the chorus from that song, my thanks again to tool. Please comment, i really want to hear what y'all think on this and if you see any way i can improve it, i'd like to know
Black Magick -------------------------------------------
She loved him
But he loved another
Who he thought loved another
And none of them knew
She attempted suicide
So did he, but not for her
And the other loved him back
But no one knew
Buried under the canopy
In the backyard
She kept her feelings from him
Her communication skills were never great
He on the other hand
Killed his feelings for everything
He was always into emptiness
It kept him from telling the truth when he lied
The other did little
She did not know of this tragedy
Though she loved him without saying
She didn't want to appear aggressive.
The pieces never fit
Before they fell away
But after they crumbled
We began to rediscover
Ah Tool, the band that inspires many:) I was semi-frowning when I read the title, but I understood afterwards the error of jumping to conclusions, once again *sigh* you fooled me. This poem has a sad twisted marionette feeling to me. No one ever really getting what he or she wanted through never really saying what needed to be said, keep it up few have such a humor;)
P.s. I'm curious; did the first girl die in this piece? Lukewarm got me thinking in on this a little bit.... attempts don't always succeed you know;)
This was very well written. I liked it alot. It flowed well and the word choice and everything all together was great. I have to admit this made me think of how much it'd suck to be in a love triangle and not knowing anything. One question though, why did you title it "Black Magick" I don't see how that fits in with this poem. I read the title expecting a poem of hexes, witches, curses, and such. I'm glad it didn't turn out that way though. Great poem. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.
I do like the concept here- the love triangle, the lack of communication becoming the cause for hyperbolic metaphorical actions.
I like some of the lines you have written here very much- they speak openly and honestly about the characters, such as
"Her communication skills were never great,"
and
"He was always into emptiness,"
plus, "And the other loved him back/ But no one knew."
However, some times the openness and plain-talking voice of the narrator ceases to be so much poetic as much as someone giving a statement. Lines such as
"It kept him from telling the truth when he lied,"
and
"She did not know of this tragedy"
seemed sort of squeezed in, if you know what I mean. Plus, it's not really clear who died. I'd move the fifth stanza somewhere else- the only important line in it is "she didn't want to appear too aggressive," and that could be fit in earlier. Its placement makes it seem almost as an afterthought.
I do agree that Schism follows closely what you're talking about as far as the theme of a breakdown in communication, but Shism also has a metaphor for pieces that doesn't have any connection to the rest of your poem. I think you could re-word it, amke it your own, and it would work well as a conclusion.
Submission Name: Black Magick
