Description: ok, for one, I write when I'm deppressed, so most of my stuff will probally be like this, and for two, NONE of my stuff is sucidal notes or any stuff like that, thank you for reading my writing, have a nice day.
"The tearfull scream,
the halting breath,
the place I find scared in my mind.
Run with me,
to this end,
for I'm growing o so weary.
I'm traped in this cage,
which we call a life,
I'll leave it with wisdom and death at my side.
why should I,
even bother with it,
for you'll all leave me in the end.
So why are we,
trying to,
hold on to something thats not even there."
o.o; Yes, as a matter of fact, you are.. Though I VERY wish to kill some people, this wasn't for that, I was just under alot of stress and deprsion at that time.
i like this a lot. when we feel lost or depressed we do feel alone and trapped, you captured that feeling nicely. i would like to read more from you, so plz, get posting. you said you write when you're depressed, which is good, it gets all the feelings out there, but you really should try and write something 'lighter', you do have talent and i think it would be good for you,also. jus my personal thoughts, whirl**
This is a pretty good poem. You express your feelings well with your words. My only suggestion for you would be maybe a bit more description. This allows the reader to feel the depth of despair with comparisons and such and the reader will connect more with the words if they can feel it. Sort of like walking in your shoes. Try not just stating facts, but work a little deeper inside the feelings. Just a suggestion for you. Good to hear you write when you are depressed because it is an excellent way to get those feelings out. This is a good poem and with a little work, could be stronger. Welcome to Elite.
I would have to agree with Lorna, I really didn't get the feel for the depths of your despair, a little more description would help alot, but good start, Dean
Submission Name: 'Reckoning'
