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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Elegy of Skyedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 443
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1350
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 4038



    Description:
        I guess the ellegy is a secret...but it may be in parenthesis...not sure...just tell me what you think, bash it, love it, whatever.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Elegy of Skyedots
    -------------------------------------------


    This tired old heart which beats within,

    is slowing down, and giving in

    Eyes that once sparkled, now grow dim

    Thoughts once pure, now turn grim

    Was this ever my world?

    Can I ever exist in a land that hates us,

    and slits our wrists?


    "I may be lost, but I'll be found in a place that

    holds no light or sound."


    Turning now to a place inside...

    A place known, by no other than I...

    Where the song-bird caged sings in vain,

    and light dances mockery around your pain

    Where you leave yourself to eternal sleep,

    leaving others to the dreams they keep


    Black wings, now bound and broken

    tales of love and hope unspoken

    Voices speak unwritten laws,

    as wolves are shorn of all their claws

    Skeletal ravens taint red skies,

    tracing cloud rifts of silent bled lies


    "I may be lost, but I'll be found in a land void of

    solid ground."


    Hiding now to a place inside...

    A place known, by no other than I...

    Where the serpent crushed cries in vain,

    and angels dance around our pain

    Where you leave yourself to eternal sleep,

    as others leave to the dreams they keep


    I fear no death,

    I fear no hate,

    but lonliness is a monster,

    I cannot abate


    Time to fade away...

    shed this skin another day...

    humming a song from someone' past...

    born to die...

    and living fast...


    "I may be lost, but i'll be found by the broken corpse of the 'king' you crowned."


    It's the abscence of emptiness,

    yet empty of abscence

    The only feeling that ever made sense...

    To a place known by no other than I...

    a place I call, the realm of Skye


    How do you break, what's already broken?

    Destroy it to shards, then create a fine dust


    "Only when you kill me, will you finally earn...

    my trust"





    Submitted on 2006-08-17 22:39:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It appears that cutting, or at least the release it provides is a prominent part of either your life or your past. This saddens me more than it probably should, I just hate the idea of solitary struggles, and prefer people who deal with their problems through other means of support. I enjoy how you can make such a twisted truth so realistically beautiful, but at the same time so sad at the same time. The theme is growing a little old, but you do it justice for sure. I would break it down section by section and give my opinions, but its simply just too long. I will however give a couple scattered feelings I got while reading the piece.

    This is probably the best poem of your i've read in terms of rhyme and tempo control, nothing really seems forced, and the sing-songy-ness seems to be intentional.

    You have a very strong way with adjectives and adverbs, you are able to bring nouns and verbs to life.

    I like your version of a safe haven, or special place reserved for you and only you.

    Or the way you make mention of happiness appearing to mock or scorn you and your remorse.

    "I fear no death,

    I fear no hate,

    but lonliness is a monster,

    I cannot abate"

    that stanza is the most reflective of me out of this entire poem, that monster of a loneliness is what eats away at me.

    Anyways, much enjoyed the poem.

    Kudos.



    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      Excuse me, Dr. Suess:

    within
    giving in
    dim
    grim
    inside
    than I
    vain
    pain
    sleep
    keep
    broken
    unspoken
    laws
    claws
    skies
    lies
    inside
    I
    vain
    pain
    sleep
    keep
    away
    day
    past
    fast
    dust
    trust

    HERE'S A COUPLE FOR YOU:
    [censored]
    SUCKS

    Love,
    Cherub
    | Posted on 2006-10-31 00:00:00 | by Cherub | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy crap. This is what I must say. I'm astounded by the power of this one--very lengthy, but very smart. However, the "slit wrists" thing has appeared in at least five other poems I've seen today. Otherwise, sharp.

    I actually liked the quotation sections, since they seem to set apart the thoughts of the narrator from their surroundings.

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2006-10-31 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok here goes.
    Ever heard of a guy called Edgar Allan Poe? he was a writer a couple of years back (don't really know when but it was a while back) and this poem just remids me of his poetry. in other words I love it.
    I have only a few suggestions and that's on the stanzas with quotation marks. the first one (keep in mind this is just a suggestion) I would see like this:

    "I may be lost, but I will be found
    in a place
    that holds neither light nor sound"

    the second quotation stanza:

    "I may be lost, but I will be found
    in a land
    void of solid ground."

    The third:

    "I may be lost, but I will be found
    by the broken corpse
    of the 'king' you crowned."

    I think this ads more melody and flow to the poem. otherwise it's pure perfection.
    | Posted on 2006-10-27 00:00:00 | by Wolfie | [ Reply to This ]
      God damn Girl! You, this piece, both fuckin' rock. YOu completely draw the reaer in, I was completely lost to all oblivion there was only me and this write, and it was beautiful. This is beyond excellent, the allogry, simple conplexities, and an array of interpretation! Magfuckinificant!
    | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow.... That was fantastic! You write beautifully! I can make no criticism. Everything you expressed was done in a flowing manner than I couldn't help but continue to read. Congrats on a wonderful peace of art!

    Peace V

    Ren
    | Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      Tox,

    This was great. It makes you really think about everything.

    "Time to fade away...
    shed this skin another day...
    humming a song from someone' past...
    born to die...
    and living fast..."

    This was in my opinion the best lines in it. The truth is in these words. We are here to live and die, and as soon as we feel like we are living we start dying.

    Anyway, Great Write.

    Kara
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by Crescent | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm long poem but I like it. It gives very much details good write hope to read more from you keep up the good work peace & stay safe...
    | Posted on 2006-08-17 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
      im not sure what to say about this one...it's good as far as structure, rhyme, flow, imagery...and its not cliché or anything...and so i think it should be said that it is a good write...but it seems like there might be somethign missing from it...from the first half that is...i like the last half how it is tho...idk first half just sorta flat...keep writing!

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I honestly don't know what to say about this poem. It is awesome in my eyes, but then again I am no professional writter or anything. I absolutely love this stanza::

    "I fear no death,
    I fear no hate,
    but lonliness is a monster,
    I cannot abate"

    It gives a feeling loniless being everywhere and how it can't just dissappear.

    Keep Up the good write tox!

    R.bayden
    | Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by remedy bayden | [ Reply to This ]
      I do agree with most of the comments. It does give details, and It evoked emotions that I can relate to. The whole ending of the poem just kinda smacked me in the face and made me realize....that's probably what I'll wish I could tell a whole helluva lotta people when I die.

    Good write!

    BCute<3
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this write in deep detail for an unexplained reason and these lines spoke out to me and set it up a bit to me.

    "A place known, by no other than I...
    Where the song-bird caged sings in vain,"


    I think it could have been more focused but it stuck quite well to plot, and stayed a single course, atleast you arent jumping back and fourth like so many here do.

    I foudn that a few of the rhymes had seemed to have been forced but might not have been , I understand sumtimes people dont mean to rhyme just happens lol.

    overall I think you did quite a good job and should keep the work up to help your skills grow even more and beyond this.

    your a soon to be great writter, and seemingly growing fast.
    | Posted on 2006-08-18 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is really a good peice. I think it is probably the best I've read of your's. It ignited emotions inside of me, and kept me reading. I have often thought about the concept of us being born to die, and I agree with that. In the past, I thought I life was going good, but then I got brought down from that euphoria, and realised that we never really live, we're always a day closer to dieing.
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow toxic. I didn't expect something like this. the rhyme scheme was good and the flow was like water coursing down a open stream. the words spoke out and made themselv'es known of the thougts and emotions you feel and how your closing in on yourself into a world in which only you can exist and only the ones you trust, are the ones that put you there.

    Thats what I got out of it. Probably way off, but I like it.


    Zach
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      I've nothing really helpful to say except...

    *Elegy.

    "This tired old heart which beats within,
    is slowing down, and giving in
    Eyes that once sparkled, now grow dim
    Thoughts once pure, now turn grim"

    I like that bit.

    ... Umm... yes. There's nothing else to say.

    Yours truly,
    Nobody.
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    114859

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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