Description: Haha! I finally got this dang poem to how I like it enough to put it on here, lol. So I hope everyone enjoys it, I actually worked pretty hard on it..
"The Shadow's Descent" -------------------------------------------
'Twirl and twirl this midnight sky,
blur your words with the passage of time.
Run with us like the ancient wind,
We never stop until the end.
Feel the starlight heal your soul,
while begging the goddess to leave it alone.
Here we go once again,
leave your past along with all this sin.
Join me my brothers and sisters of the night,
for we flee the sun's touch of light.'
A pretty good vampire poem. One spelling correction needed for "goddess" and I am not sure if I like "ancient wind". Kind of seems like a disconnected way of expressing the wind. Just my personal taste there but I found it difficult to relate to. I think the rhyme is pretty good here, although it can be distracting in poetry, but you did a nice job with it here. Lots of vampire poems out there, and they seem to carry the same common theme. These two lines didnt seem to connect well with anything, perhaps too vague:
Here we go once again, leave your past along with all this sin.
Perhaps add a little more detail with these two lines to clarify the connection and the significance of them. Overall, a good write. A bit common in theme but pretty good nonetheless.
Nice vampire poem. Overall, it's really good, but I have a couple of things I want to ask about (sorry).
"Feel the starlight heal your soul, while begging the goddess to leave it alone."
I don't think I've ever seen any associations between vampires and a goddess. If a goddess is a deity, deities are (usually, maybe not always, I don't know) exclusive to religion, so does that make the vampires religious? Are we talking about vampires that already... "were", I guess, or are we talking about vampires that were "made", because then wouldn't their religion be that of the person who was turned?
"Here we go once again, leave your past along with all this sin."
How long have these vampires been alive, and what is the sin that they're leaving behind?
Sorry, I know the questions are very random, but I'm just curious. You did a good job though, I usually don't read vampire poems, so this is very rare for me. ...bb...
Right, this I really loved! It was not long, but each sentence carried so much info, that perhaps it is for the best! This was so good. I read the other comments, and the whole vampire thing.
I didnt get it at first, but of course the last two sentences really hinted to that.
What can I say? I loved it. It was not the average scribbeling, but something with a real sense of soul in it. Like if the words are not words at all, but a window to the unknown.
'Twirl and twirl this midnight sky, blur your words with the passage of time.
I loved those two sentences. The rythm of the poem, really was determined in a peticular way with them. I got this wierd picture of a woman dancing on clouds, under the dark heavens. Dancing so fast, almost faster than the earth that moved around itself underneath her.
Sometimes I discover pieces that I can sit and read outloud several times, and just feel the rythm and tone. This is exactly that kind of piece. Great job! Really! I might not have the brains at the moment it seems to analyze this as thourough as it deserves. Still, I hope that you understand the feeling!
Hope you write more of this, and I will be checking out the rest of your work!