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Who am I ?


Author: elseibi
ASL Info:    20/f/uk
Elite Ratio:    3.13 - 228 /180 /38
Words: 113
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 751
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 631



Description:




Who am I ?



Am i the girl i was at four,
tantrums and paint spilt all over the floor.

Or am i the girl in the playground at ten,
grazing her knees but running again.

Could i be the new kid in school at eleven,
wondering if animals too went to heaven.

Maybe im the proud girl as she reached thirteen,
thinking herself as great as a queen.

I could be the fifteen year old girl in the park,
with friend telling stories of noises in the dark.

Im all of these now, and much more beside, but the on thing im sure of is im here, im alive !




Submitted on 2006-08-21 07:53:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This is remarkable! It lets the reader see the world through a young girl's eyes! And, alive you are! And, I might say, leaving all of us enchanted and breathless with your prescence!!
| Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked the style of this, the story the point of view how it flowd well the wording, how it was intriguing the title drew me in. I liked it alot

"Im all of these now, and much more beside, but the on thing im sure of is im here, im alive !"

I especially liked the ending how you set you selve in the view of the average girl and how it is to grow up, you made it soo beautiful in a simple way, its original and very well structured.

However I believe that u can make even more out of this idea to make it longer and fill more into it.

I loved how this stood out from the average poem in this subject, its very well written.

Keep it up..





| Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by -=Bass=- | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it, but the end came across as a bit too rhyme laced... maybe... I don't know, the end just seemed off.
| Posted on 2006-11-16 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
  It's so true. You look back and realize you've changed a lot over the years, but you always retain that childlike mentality and the memories. It's something noone can take away from you. You're personality. Who you are.
Katana
| Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
  I am quite sure that you will write about many more experiences as you go through your life.

Very perceptive of you and I really did enjoy reading it - well done.

Frank.
| Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I am not going to repeat what was already said, I am sure you get the message, but overall a wonderful poem. I like what you are trying to convey.

Keep writing it only helps to make future pieces better.

~unleashed.
| Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by unleashed | [ Reply to This ]
  This was cool, I'm pretty sure i've never read a poem like it. There was only a few typos, but a quick read over should be able to fix that.


Nice job,

Lia
| Posted on 2006-08-21 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
  
Am [] the [same] girl [I] was at four,
[T]antrums and [spilling [paint] all over the floor.

Or am [I] the girl in the playground at ten,
[G]razing her knees but running again.

Could [I] be the new kid in school at eleven,
[W]ondering if animals too went to heaven.**

Maybe [I'm] the proud girl as she reached thirteen,
Thinking [of] herself as great as a queen.

I could be the fifteen year old girl in the park,
With friend[s] telling stories of noises in the dark.

I[']m all of these now, and much more beside, []
[But the] on[e] thing [I'm] sure of is [that] I'm here and alive.


** these rhymes seemed very forced. I'd suggest changing them.



I have noticed that small differences such as punctuation can make a lot of difference to the impression of a poem. Some times, things may seem to have changed, but they actually haven't. You described well the free life of a child, and how you can maintain that when a teenager if you really want to. I liked the message in this, but the rhymes were on and off.



Abbas
| Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  Great poem. I really enjoyed reading this. The rhyming was good, and so were the words you used.

I can relate to this, and I'm sure a lot of others can also. We are all trying to find ourselves in this world, and it can be hard. I for one, have no idea who I am yet. I have been many different things in my life, just like you described in this.

But anyways, great work.

~Piper
| Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]


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