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if you

Author: Deep Ace Thinks
ASL Info:    35/M/ Spring, TX
Elite Ratio:    2.75 - 124 /190 /60
Words: 166
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1930
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1016


Edited with the invaluable assistance of the Great Gobalata...thank you sir! You are the MAN!!!

if you

if you were an ocean
i would set sail toward your boundless horizon
weigh anchor and let your tides carry me away
explore distant shores unseen by eyes of others
and bask in your twilight at the end of each day

if you were a mountain
i’d pull myself up to your highest peak
breathe in the wind that has carved out your shape
with vision outstretched from your loftiest heights
embracing your blue sky in my greatest escape

if you were a star
i would traverse the distance to your celestial sea
to feel your warmth penetrating the deep cold of space
bathe in your glow, alive, warm and free
as your graceful orbit secures us in place

if you were the earth
i would plant in you a garden
and germinate the sweetest of flowers and vines
i'd water , and feed you with the utmost of care
an eternal beauty to weather the persistance of time

Submitted on 2004-05-20 11:44:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  ''eternal beauty to weather the persistance of time''-I must say that that line alone makes the whole poem worth reading. It has such a beautiful ring to it...what I really love about your poetry is the phraseology. You express yourself so cleary and well. The spacing is excellent and it leaves you thinking afterwards.
| Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Mimevas Lemqi | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi, Interpolation said you needed a melody and a beat. I'm not sure if that is the same as rhythm, but I don't get a sense of rhythm with the rhyme. The one solid suggestion I do have is in the first stanza. I don't think you mean to sail "across" the horizon. Perhaps to the horizon or towards the horizon. The piece wouldn't be diminished for me if you re wrote it as free verse instead of rhyme. They are lovely ideas, and the stanzas compliment each other. I did feel that it is not complete because of all the if's. Would you consider some final stanza of what you "will" vs "would" do to get some closure?
| Posted on 2004-05-20 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  awwww..... this is sincerely one of the sweetest things I have ever read, without being cliché. I have this sort of saying, that I picked up from a movie that teaches a valuable lesson, "we don't write poetry because its cute, we write poetry because we are the human race." -dead poets society. I don't know if you have heard of it, but you may have. I like this, and I can definantly say that I would give in the exception of that quote to this, because it is beautiful. nice work!
| Posted on 2004-05-20 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]
  i think that it is a great write and when i have a little bit of time i will read mor of your stuff it is great
| Posted on 2004-05-20 00:00:00 | by lili | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good, if there was an original, I didn't read it so i can't say whether it has improved. All I know is that this one's going to my favs list. I love the whole message of the poem and the descriptions are wonderful. I particularly like the stanza about the star and the line, 'i would traverse the distance to your celestial sea,' that's within it. Once again, great write.
| Posted on 2004-05-20 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]

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