Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: DAMN MEdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lost_Found
    ASL Info:    24/m/hmm?
    Elite Ratio:    2.31 - 8/32/28
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Rant/Serious
    Total Views: 737
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 360



    Description:
       I don't know?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDAMN MEdots
    -------------------------------------------


    For hoping.

    Hoping what we see and know.
    What we share and love.

    For hoping our world and the people who are in it will grow and evolve in harmony.
    DAMN ME
    For hoping to see compassion and love in my fellow man's heart.
    DAMN ME
    For hoping to see the same in myself.
    DAMN ME




    Submitted on 2006-08-21 23:26:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well, it is rather simple.

    Here's what I gather from it...
    It's either self-pitying regret towards someone you cared for. Not a bad thing always, most people do that.

    It could be a sarcastic poem. I imagine that if it were, it'd be in response to someone who would mock the idea that humans can change or be better.

    It could be sarcasm toward the general world population due to the sundry things occuring in the world.

    If I'm completely off then the poem is either about something I've never really experience/heard of. Or it's more personal than expected (not a bad thing, those are just more difficult to get into). Or it's not done well enough to convey what it's trying to put across.

    All I know is, I think it's rather basic.

    I do like how the title leads right into the first line.

    To improve (if you want to), I cannot suggest much. I would go with taking the premise (whatever it is) and trying to convey it with a completely new poem, though that may be drastic.

    Overall, I can only say that, as it is, it works, nothing spectacular (but that's rare anyway), nothing terrible.
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      damn me

    you know what... in my world i say "damn" ALL the time... damn the man save the empire, damn straight, damnit... damn damn damn
    and in my country that is completely acceptable but when i came to the US for a coupla months visiting friends and all i quickly found out that damn is a cuss word and i ought not be saying it here...

    so with that in mind i am aware that this isnt as funny as it sounds... that you are actually expressing some intense feelings and thoughts in this piece...

    your point... what you are trying to get across is a good one but i think it could be delivered better... in a more effective way so that when the reader has finished reading this piece they are like DAMN ME like this was their piece and their feelings and they realise they gotta change... you know...?

    personally i would take out some of the damn mes... i know that your trying to come across strong with that line but i think its power is wasted in repetion...
    i would suggest somethng like this:

    damn me
    For hoping.

    for hoping our world will grow,
    evolve in harmony.

    For hoping to see compassion,
    love in my fellow man's heart.

    damn me
    For hoping to see the same in myself.

    now you aint gotta do anything with that but yeah... the feeling and idea of the piece is still there its just structured differently i guess...

    as for what you are saying in your piece...
    never give up hope...
    theres a verse in the bible that says "and hope does not let us down" and i always liked that one... i guess sometimes the only thing we have left is hope... lets not damn hope.
    but i do understand how stupid it feels when you hope for something that there seems no chance of being or happening...
    hoping for world peace is a valid hope though... its a pretty big thing to ask for and it seems there are a lot of ppl hell bent on not having it... its really sad.

    i like the way this piece progresses from the world to fellow man to myself.
    you cant change the world unless you change yourself or something like that... be the change you want to see in the world... i dunno... i cant remember but yeah... i like how its bringing the responsibility onto yourself and admitting that while you hope for world peace you know that some days you dont live like thats what your striving for...

    good piece.


    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    115334

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry