Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: obscene motherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: denial
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 119/82/34
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1169
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 885



    Description:
       something a little different. graphic japanese comic sense visualized and inspired.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsobscene motherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Obscene mother
    Lying spread eagle on her bed
    Waving a rubbish paper fan on a hot night.
    What do you make of running away?
    Ofcourse you don't like it.
    You're straight forward goodness in a air tight vent.
    threatworthy and hardworking.
    you taught me manipulation
    you were too easy.
    don't you just want to rip your uterus out?
    i don't think it's fair either.
    but
    wait.
    where were you when i was melting in my teenage acid trip?
    you were crying your eyes out
    your tear ducts are gone now
    so it's free fall
    and i free fall
    passed out on my own vomit
    at my own house party filled with criminals.
    because i won't phone you at night.
    so you can fuck my dad some more.




    Submitted on 2006-08-22 01:16:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I got pissed when i read this..imagine that. Well right from the start with that spread eagle statement, that just kinda told me that she pretty much is a slut and doesn't care about much else. Thats what i got from it. I did like that line..."don't you want to rip your uterus out?" cause man, sometimes you gotta wonder if they think that sometimes. Then there was the shift of tides when you battled back with her not being there for you when you were a teenager and the world was so horrible that you turned to drugs and FuCked yourself up. I feel a lot of angst and sarcasm...lol...which I like. nice work
    | Posted on 2007-01-29 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      "Obscene mother
    Lying spread eagle on her bed"

    You've set the scene very simply, good work.
    I get a really great image, that I can sort of elaborate alone without much prompting... what color the walls are, the state of the furniture and the clothes she is wearing...

    "What do you make of running away?
    Ofcourse you don't like it."

    I think these are my favorite lines.... I tend to like questions with answers that are sort of... clever. this is sort of clever. I can't find any suggestions for improvement thus far except maybe a little more spacing among the stanzas or the definition of those.

    "threatworthy"

    HEY you made that up. Impressed.

    "you taught me manipulation
    you were too easy.
    don't you just want to rip your uterus out?
    i don't think it's fair either.
    but
    wait."

    The spacing here is excellent. This is so raw and refreshing. Like being slapped across the face and then tasting blood.

    "where were you when i was melting in my teenage acid trip?"

    !!!! Gorgeoussssss. I want to say this line over and over. It holds very much power. You use the language well.

    "you were crying your eyes out
    your tear ducts are gone now"

    I love this too. I really like this piece overall, its doing something for me. I don't know how people can't feel this really. I feel it so much. All the gritting teeth hate in it.

    I suggest some spacing in the end to help add emphasis and drama... hahaha

    drama. like you need more of that.

    Overall, favorited.

    Cha-Chingg, I'm real tired.

    -wendy
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ]
      Obscene mother

    first off, the title really captured my attention. it could be a metephorical image of (human) nature having been corrupted or manipulated in on form or another.

    Lying spread eagle on her bed
    Waving a rubbish paper fan on a hot night.


    well, i believe there is alot more to this picture than what you're tell me... considering the clues you provided of a "bed" and at "night"... well, putting the peices togather, 2 & 2, i imagine this mother-figure to be nude posing in the manner while fanning herself off, well.. i just imagine she's not alone in the room.

    What do you make of running away?

    now, the question of who is speaking & to whome is being addressed.. and running away from what? i imagine a sort of abuse or corruption taking place to drive this person to desire running away.

    Ofcourse you don't like it.
    You're straight forward goodness in a air tight vent.


    i just sense a very strong sarcasism here.. perhaps the voice of the perpetrator in this situation. being filled like an "air tight vent" i imagine something that's about to explode. a walking time-bomb.

    threatworthy and hardworking.
    you taught me manipulation
    you were too easy.


    i assume this is the voice of the one who is being abused who is returning sarcasm as a form of defense mechanism.

    don't you just want to rip your uterus out?

    again, very strong sarcasm and deep hurt in this statement.

    i don't think it's fair either.

    perhaps the perpetrator is now trying to use guilt as a weapon in a sort of "how could you (hurt me by leaving)"-type of fashion...

    but
    wait.
    where were you when i was melting in my teenage acid trip?


    returning the question to the perpetrator "where were you wene i really needed you..." after all, were you not always there to satisfy his/her needs.. and do you not have needs as well?

    you were crying your eyes out
    your tear ducts are gone now
    so it's free fall
    and i free fall
    passed out on my own vomit
    at my own house party filled with criminals.


    it seems that the same cycle of distruction followed in your footsteps far after her selfish tears have dryed up..

    because i won't phone you at night.

    but it seems as though you blame yourself for the abuse.. that it is "my fault" it happened.

    so you can [censored] my dad more.

    well, i'm really sorry if it seemed like i pretty much ripped into this.. i'm not a psychologist & i could be totally off... that's just my impression that this was written by someone who was deeply hurt.

    sarah
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      well you are right when you say this is something different...
    it doesn really seem to have much of a point... well.. it does but it doesnt deliver what i thought it would...

    ok... so this is called obscene mother.
    you start this piece with a rather obscene image (well it would be if one was to think of it being their own mother lol) and so... it promises that this piece would be rather... tasteless...

    rubbish paper fan... tasteless...
    specially given the origins of inspiration for this piece... you can tell a lot about a woman by their fan in japan so yes... this line continues to head towards obscenity...

    then the questioning of running away comes up... theres sarcasm in there and bitterness too... why the bitterness? coz she wasnt there like you thought she should be? coz while you were off being all screwed up and experimental she wasnt trying to stop you? i wonder if you would have listened to her anyways (oh yup and i say you not as YOU but as in the you in this piece... just to clear that up...)

    the ripping out of the uterus part...
    thats VERY strong imagery right there...
    makes me think that the mother is completely disappoiinted in the way the child turned out and doesnt wanna have any more... whether they turned out the way they did because of the mothers nurturing or lack thereof it would seem with a comment like that shes got some pretty huge regrets... regrets arent obscene though...

    i liked the part about manipulation...
    you taught me everything i know though i dont seem to know anything good.

    but
    wait

    good way to subject change...
    it seems that this is a NO WAIT to stop her from walking away after a round of very very harsh words and a mirror held up to show iniquities...
    where were you...?
    i HATE this question...
    it is asked of so many people... parents, siblings, lovers, even god... where were you when this happened like anything they could have said or done would have changed anything
    and i get the idea from the tears of the mother that she was there in the best capacity she could be... broken hearted wiating for her child to come home... to change their life style... to stop trying to kill themself prematurely...

    i just dont get the ending...
    it doesnt seem to follow anything at all...
    fvck my dad more... isnt that what mothers are sposed to do...?
    it just seems redundant really... i dunno...

    so yeah... this piece overall doesnt really do anything for me and i think there is confusion in what it is about the mother that is obscene... maybe you might wanna think about it some more and rewrite... i dunno...
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    115338

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry